Introducing: The While We Were Away Files

During our hiatus, some news did occur, and as the apex of journalism, we thought we ought to clear out or backlog and fill you in.

Item 1: August 26, 2011—Gordon Ramsay’s Porn Dwarf Double Eaten by Badger

This item came as a shock to us in that it is—and forever will be—the perfect news story. While the August 26, 2011 news cycle was otherwise dominated by debt talks, the archdiocese of Boston outing more diddling priests, and Mitt Romney's surge in the polls, the tale of Percy Foster, celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay's dwarf porn double, was found dead, partially eaten, and 6 feet (2 metres) deep in a badger sett. Take out any one—or arguably two—of the elements of this story: adult film, dwarves, wild animals, celebrity look-alikes, tiny tents, and you STILL have a bang-up story. Imagine a parallel story with as many amazing facets as this one. Go ahead…

You can't can you?! No surprise there. But, seeing as how this was a british tabloid story, some major details of this story remain unresolved: how did someone know to look 6 feet down in the badget sett? is "sett" the british word for "hole"? has anyone seen any of Percy Foster's films? and do the british police always have tiny tents on hand for protecting the bodies of tiny, partially-eaten, celebrity look-alike adult film stars?

These questions and other details will hopefully be relayed to us through the news web. Until then, we'll keep you abreast of any twists and turns in this story.

–Cub Reporter

Thanks For Your Help In Ruining Snacking for the Whole World! Here's Your Bonus.

Hostess is asking a federal bankruptcy judge to protect $1.8 million in assets so it can give bonuses to 19 executives.  The delicious company has said that the bonuses are necessary incentives to keep the managers on the job throughout the liquidation of the rest of the company's assets.

The GTB would like to officially offer to help liquidate those assets for HALF that price tag.  We will need one really comfortable couch and 5,000 gallons of 2% milk.

In other news, why do people get bonuses for failure? Every dog training manual we have ever read says that rewarding failure reinforces bad behavior.

p.s. That twinkie graphic is a GTB ORIGINAL.

Jessica Simpson up to Her Old Procreating Tricks

Joy to the world, Jessica Simpson has spawned...AGAIN!  Just 7 months after giving birth to baby Maxi, a source close to the "star" ("singer"?) reported that Jess is knocked up with an unexpected bundle of joy.  If you remember (which you probably do because it was seriously like yesterday) Jessica gestated her first born for approximately 17 months.  That is good news for you Dear Readers! I'm sure this is where you will ask, "why? Is she using her uterus to pressure cook coal into 70 lbs. of diamonds that she will distribute exclusively to GTB readers?" NOPE!  BETTER! Get excited because Jessica Simpson gets even more ridiculous when she is pregnant.  Here's a gem to get you psyched for the next 18-34 months of Jessica's 2nd Pregnancy:

I just started calling myself Swamp Ass. Like, I have 'swamp ass' right now. I had major swamp ass because I was wearing these Spanx to hold in my gut. It's like the bayou up in that region. —The Tonight Show With Jay Leno 

Andres Serrano was a friend of mine. Glenn Beck, you are no Andres Serrano

What a handsome, clever boy you are Glenn! And your successes since leaving Fox News have been manyfold. Every time an ad for your channel shows up on the side bar of a questionable live-streaming website I'm on, I think to myself "this guy is GOING PLACES!" And man did ol' Glenn push the envelope the other day when he submerged an Obama bobblehead into a mason jar of off-colored "urine". I haven't seen that much pee since college when my lab mate managed to drink a whole 2-liter bottle of diet 7-up and nearly overflowed the graduated cylinder for an experiment that was later deemed a human health hazard. Now, I literally got goosepimples and my hair stood on end when Glenn donned a faux French accent and said "I like to call this 'Flobama'," then confusingly re-titled his artwork "Obama in Pee Pee." Très magnifique!

Glenn then elegantly juxtaposed his artwork with the portrayals of Islam's Prophet Muhammad, and Michael D'Antuono's "Truth" which combines the imagery of the embattled, tortured, innocent Christ on the cross with that of president Obama, pointing out the hypocrisy in the reaction of the Muslim world. Sure, some public complaint led D'Antuono's work to be shown at a Boston community college instead of in a NYC gallery (read: the civilized route), but a unified reaction by the Muslim world and beyond to the portrayal of their Prophet as a pedophile, a terrorist, or an adulterer…wellsir, that might as well be a terror act unto itself.

One thing that gets me is the basic ordinal math of this. Beck is basing his argument on the logical assumption that a defacement of Christ = defacement of Muhammad. And that his defacement of Obama = a defacement of Christ. So is he elevating Obama to the level of a deity, or is he cutting down two deities of some of the world's major religions to that of a mortal—albeit powerful—man?

Glenn, if you're reading this, please respond ASAP. Our cell number is (301) 588-900. Call us anytime!

Double Congrats Supreme Leader

Anyone who reads the GTB has already heard the incredible news!  Kim Jong Un, the newest member of our Top 5 Dictators Hot List, was named The Onion's Sexiest Man Alive for 2012.  To celebrate the win, People's Daily Online (the Official Paper of the Communist Party of China) put together a 55-IMAGE spread of some of Kim Jong Un's hottest looks!  
 
We are worried about two things.  

Our first concern is that People's Daily really seemed to jump on this "See, Dictatorships can not only be a 'perfectly "ok" form of government' but Dictators themselves can also Super Sexxxxy" news piece. I mean...a 55 photo spread about the (satirical) accomplishment of another country's Supreme Leader?  It is walking a thin line between propaganda and Bunny Boiler if you ask us. 

Second, we are a little worried that they are going to figure out that The Onion isn't a "real" source for "news" (it will take awhile as China isn't known as a country with "outstanding access to a wide-variety of international news sources"), get embarrassed and take the whole thing down (Don't feel bad People's Daily! There is an entire Tumblr dedicated to idiots who post Onion stories as fact!). As such we have gone ahead and archived the photo spread for you, our Supreme Readers.  No small task considering that they found 55 pictures of KJU looking simply dashing.

Click here to see the gallery.

Since you and I both know you won't look at the gallery, we will share with you, our all-time favorite KJU picture (so far). We call this one "Terrified Citizens Pose With Completely Unaware, but Also Super Sexxxy Dictator"

Travis Monroe Hawkins Jr. Beats Up Girls at Thanksgiving Dinner

This is Travis Monroe Hawkins, Jr.  He is 18 years old and lives in Mobile, Alabama.  

 On Thanksgiving, he did this to his sister's 23 year old girlfriend, Mallory Owens. 

 

Yeah, we realize you come here because our posts are hilarious.  This story isn't hilarious.  But part of our mission here at the GTB is to give publicity to stories that might get buried. Stories that you might miss if we weren't here to point you in the right direction.  We aim to be one more google hit when somebody, somewhere, someday, searches for Travis Monroe Hawkins, Jr (if you search for Travis Monroe Hawkins, SENIOR he was arrested last year for shooting his son, age 17, who we can only assume is Travis Monroe Hawkins, Jr....so...you can go ahead and guess how the younger Travis Monroe Hawkins ended up being a horrible person).  

Feeling terrible about the state of our world? Sign this Petition. It will make you feel better.

Christmas is Coming!

Looking for a Christmas gift that for your co-worker who spends more time talking about 80's hair bands on Facebook than on work? Hoping to find a solid argument for why the government should provide free birth control (and maybe MANDATORY birth control to anyone with lip implants) to toss at your super conservative uncle this Thanksgiving? Allow me to present to you, the Roctuplets!

"Who are the Roctuplets?" you ask?  They are Nadya "Octomom" Suleman's kids (all 8 of the octuplets plus 5 of their additional siblings for a total of 13.  Nadya's 14th child, Aiden, is Autistic and was not included in production of the song or video) and they are releasing a Christmas single!

Penned by rapper Romeo Holloway, "I'm Ready for Christmas" is a jaunty romp that stops just short of making you want to punch yourself right in the ears.  The song is available on iTunes, but the video is available for free! If you are sad that network television doesn't show enough footage of dead eyed children being forced to wear Santa hats and sing a really awful "Christmas" song (off key)*, this video is exactly what you need to fill that void (Click HERE to view).

Nadya Suleman has done a lot over the last few years to try to make ends meet.  Most recently she appeared in the adult film Octomom Uncovered (produced by Wicked Pictures),  scored a fairly successful gig as a dancer at the Playhouse Gentleman's Club in (classy) Hallandale, FL, and kicked butt in the ring on Celebrity Boxing (until she was banned for life for bad behavior.  Seriously.  Banned from CELEBRITY BOXING for being irresponsible...yep, true story).  Last month though, Nadya checked into rehab for treatment of "stress and anxiety" (to be read Xanax) and it looks like it is now up to her kids to put food on the table. 

Give it a go.  They are like a less talented, much sadder, Partridge Family or the Brady Bunch if Carol and Mike had 8 more children and then started an amateur porn site so they could pay Alice's salary.

* For the record, we aren't bashing these poor children.  We are bashing their mother for exploiting them.  Because she is terrible.

Well, That's One Way to Handle It

As a country, Egypt generally garners a lot of (mostly well-deserved) criticism for its treatment of women.  That being said, we have to give credit to the citizens who are making an attempt to improve the situation for the women of Egypt.

Now, as a general rule, the GTB doesn't encourage vigilantism, but in some circumstances you can't argue that it isn't warranted.  In this case, a group of Egyptian men has taken it upon themselves to address the rampant sexual harassment that has reached epidemic proportions in Egypt.  Sexual harassment is so out of control that men will board women only train cars just to get their grope on.  The situation is ridiculous and largely unregulated by police.

At a recent festival in Cairo an anti-harassment group that calls itself "Be a Man" dawned neon vests and went on patrol for harassers.  When they witnessed an infraction, they tackled the offender and spray painted "I am a harasser" on his person.  Sometimes on his face.

While the group's tactics weren't well received by the police, here at the GTB we salute your efforts vigilantes!  When asked why they decided on this course of action, a representative from the group answered "Because, in our society, a girl blames herself when she gets harassed. When she speaks out to her family about it, they blame her. Sometimes they prevent her from going to school or going outside because they think that sexual harassment is the girl’s problem, not the harasser’s problem. So, when our group attacks the harasser, the girl feels confident in herself. She feels like she was right, she feels like the street is supporting her. She'll have the confidence to walk in the street without fear and she won’t be afraid to speak out if it happens again."

America could probably benefit, at least a little, from the revival of public shaming.  Maybe it is time we take some moves from the Egyptian Vigilante Playbook (now available for Kindle). 

Press Release: World Celebrates, US Rejoices at the Triumphant Return of The Good Times Blog

With the pomp and circumstance regularly afforded only to visiting dignitaries and the season finale of American Idol, The Good Times Blog announced today its triumphant return to the internet.   Following years of speculation on when, if ever, the infamous tome would find its way back into the limelight it once held so dear, GTB founders said simply, “Now. Now is the time.” 

“You know, we didn’t mean to be away for so long.” said Lulu, GTB’s Editor-in-Chief “we just ran out of things to talk about.  Shit got real with the war on terror and everybody seemed to be keepin’ it in their pants.  Twitter took off and breaking the story on 2^nd hand celebrity gossip quickly became harder and harder to do.  We aren’t a blog run by ambitious or innovative people.  We recycle stories and add our opinion (as fact) somewhere towards the end.  In an age where ‘news’ travels so quickly, we just couldn’t keep up.” 

But still their loyal follows clamored for more.  “At least once a year, somebody would ask me what ‘happened to that blog you started’ and wonder if it was a ‘phase’ like that time I ‘dressed like Clarissa Explains it All’ for a few days when I was 12. Our fans really seemed dedicated to reading it when they remembered that it was there.” Said Lulu. 

So what brought the world’s best source for 2^nd hand celebrity gossip and half-assed political commentary back from the grave? “That’s simple. Petraeus. The love octagon is just too good to pass up and should easily fuel at least 3 days of easy stories. Once it gets hard again, we will probably go away (that's what she said). We are happy to be back and we look forward to bringing you all the news you could get more accurately somewhere else!” So do we GTB, so do we.