Andres Serrano was a friend of mine. Glenn Beck, you are no Andres Serrano

What a handsome, clever boy you are Glenn! And your successes since leaving Fox News have been manyfold. Every time an ad for your channel shows up on the side bar of a questionable live-streaming website I'm on, I think to myself "this guy is GOING PLACES!" And man did ol' Glenn push the envelope the other day when he submerged an Obama bobblehead into a mason jar of off-colored "urine". I haven't seen that much pee since college when my lab mate managed to drink a whole 2-liter bottle of diet 7-up and nearly overflowed the graduated cylinder for an experiment that was later deemed a human health hazard. Now, I literally got goosepimples and my hair stood on end when Glenn donned a faux French accent and said "I like to call this 'Flobama'," then confusingly re-titled his artwork "Obama in Pee Pee." Très magnifique!

Glenn then elegantly juxtaposed his artwork with the portrayals of Islam's Prophet Muhammad, and Michael D'Antuono's "Truth" which combines the imagery of the embattled, tortured, innocent Christ on the cross with that of president Obama, pointing out the hypocrisy in the reaction of the Muslim world. Sure, some public complaint led D'Antuono's work to be shown at a Boston community college instead of in a NYC gallery (read: the civilized route), but a unified reaction by the Muslim world and beyond to the portrayal of their Prophet as a pedophile, a terrorist, or an adulterer…wellsir, that might as well be a terror act unto itself.

One thing that gets me is the basic ordinal math of this. Beck is basing his argument on the logical assumption that a defacement of Christ = defacement of Muhammad. And that his defacement of Obama = a defacement of Christ. So is he elevating Obama to the level of a deity, or is he cutting down two deities of some of the world's major religions to that of a mortal—albeit powerful—man?

Glenn, if you're reading this, please respond ASAP. Our cell number is (301) 588-900. Call us anytime!

God Bless America! (My God, Not Yours)

The residents of the quiet town of Walkersville, MD, have found themselves at the center of a now widely publicized controversy. A Muslim group, the Ahmadiyya Muslim Community USA, based in Silver Spring, MD, would like to buy 224-acres of land to build a mosque and meeting center in Walkersville. The plan met so much resistance from the local community that a town commissioner drafted a zoning amendment that would prohibit the building of places of worship, schools and private clubs on land zoned for agriculture.

In an attempt to win over the community, the group’s leaders have gone door to door talking to residents. In an interview, Syed Ahmad, a Federal economist who is working on the Walkersville project for the group spoke of the understanding he has for the town’s apprehension, ''They hear 'Muslims,' and they don't know anything beyond that. To me, it's natural until they get a chance to ask questions what our beliefs are -- and then they realize these are good people.''

Over 200 people showed up to the town hall meeting to support the amendment that would keep the group from going forward with their plans to build. The group says they will not go where they are not wanted. One resident spoke for his community saying, “We don’t know too much about these Muslims, but we know they did 9/11 and we’re kind of not sure they’re the right kind of people for our community”.

The really ironic part is that Ahmadiyya Muslims have been, and in some parts of the world continue to be, severely persecuted by OTHER MUSLIMS because of their belief that there was another prophet who came after Muhammad.

I honestly don’t know what to say about this one. In general at the GTB, we try to keep things hilarious or at least fired up, but this just makes me sad. Not angry, not surprised, just sad and frankly disappointed. This is where America is today. It is 2007 and it is ok for 200 people to attend a town hall meeting where they don’t feel the slightest pressure to veil their bigotry, no need to hide the fact that they are gathered there specifically to discriminate against a particular group based solely on that group’s religion, and no moment of pause to consider if their words or actions towards their fellow human beings are right or fair or just. Probably not really the direction our Forefathers were aiming for.

It has only been 6 years since 9/11. Americans are still healing and that part will take time, probably longer than I'll be around, but I can't imagine that a path paved with bigotry and intolerance is the best way to get there.

I am disheartened, but since this is the GOOD Times Blog, I’m going to buck up and suggest we play a game of “How far can YOU paint with a broad brushstroke of prejudice?” What group HASN’T had some bad ideas or some bad eggs (think the Crusades or the Trail of Tears or the KKK)? I’ll start! If all Muslims are terrorists, all white males are serial killers and all Catholics are child molesters. Wait, I’m Catholic! I seem to have gotten some of that paint on myself. I guess that’s what they mean by that thing about glass houses.

Thou Shall Not Drive Recklessly

In acknowledgement of the shift of the world’s main form of transportation from horses to cars, the Vatican has released a document called the “Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road”.

The Vatican's Office for Migrants and Itinerant People compiled the document in light of the ever-increasing volume of vehicles on the road worldwide and the correlated increase in incidents of road rage and automobile related deaths. Cardinal Renato Martino who heads the office said in a news conference held for the document’s release, “We know that as a consequence of transgressions and negligence, 1.2 million people die each year on the roads. That's a sad reality, and at the same time, a great challenge for society and the church."

So for all you drivers out there, here they are, the “10 Commandments of Driving” straight from the Vatican:

1. You shall not kill.
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.
   
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.
7. Support the families of accident victims.
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
10. Feel responsible toward others.

The document also suggests you pray for a safe journey before you even begin driving and recite the rosary with your passengers to keep your mind free from other distractions.

I have to give the Vatican props for recognizing a current and enormous problem and doing what they can to help. Now if they could just acknowledge that condoms CAN help to stem the spread of HIV, maybe there are another 3 million lives a year that they could help save!

A Bittersweet Victory

The U.S. House of Representatives has voted to pass the Matthew Shephard Hate Crimes Act, a bill that would expand the federal hate crimes act to include the categories of gender and sexual orientation. Putting a damper on the celebration, the White House has indicated it will veto the bill if it makes it through the Senate. The statement issued by the Executive Office reads as follows:

"The Administration favors strong criminal penalties for violent crime, including crime based on personal characteristics, such as race, color, religion, or national origin. However, the Administration believes that H.R. 1592 is unnecessary and constitutionally questionable...there has been no persuasive demonstration of any need to federalize such a potentially large range of violent crime enforcement."

Focus on the Family founder James Dobson stated that he believed the bill's real intent was to “to muzzle people of faith who dare to express their moral and biblical concerns about homosexuality”.

Well, dare I say that if people of faith are expressing their moral and biblical concerns about homosexuality by committing violent crimes against gay people, then perhaps they should be muzzled.

*In other sad news, Rose, the most famous goat in Sudan, has died. Rose became famous a few months back after her husband, a human male named Charles, was forced by local elders to marry her after they were caught engaging in sexual relations. Rose is believed to have died after choking on a plastic bag she was eating. Rose is survived by her son (a goat) and her husband Charles (a man, not the father of her son). Rest in Peace Rose. Thanks to Luke for the tip.

Science to Religion: Can't We All Just Get Along

The good news keeps pouring in. Yesterday the Supreme Court rule that the federal government should (ok, could) enforce greenhouse gas emissions from cars and today there is this article that AIDS has finally been cured.

There is only one minor problem, it hasn't. Climbing 10,000 feet above sea level individuals in Ethiopia with HIV/AIDS have been risking their lives to make it to the remote church of Saint Marys on Mount Entoto in order to receive the miracle cure; holy water.

But in order to seek out this treatment there are a few rules you have to follow. First off, no menstruating women, no women with wigs, and no recent sex. The biggie, the one that really gets my goat as Father Geberemedhen states, "We don't allow patients to take medication if they want to receive holy water". In other words, the one treatment that we all KNOW works must be ceased in order to seek out this miracle cure.

The point here isn't to ridicule or disapprove of those who turn to religion for help and healing. Rather the issue comes with the way in which those who turn to faith are abused, exploited, and misinformed.

Sky News correspondent Ian Woods seems to agree: "It was a scene which reminded me of the holocaust. Naked men, women and children, some of them in chains to prevent them escaping, cower in front of the men in charge in a dimly-lit room in the church of St Mary on Mount Entoto."

Chains? Excuse me? What are they escaping from?

Ted Haggard Pronounced "Heterosexual", PHEW!

It has been a tense few months, but you can rest easy, Ted Haggard has been declared "Completely Heterosexual" by a board of four ministers who oversaw his 3 weeks of intense therapy aimed at modifying his behavioral issues. For those who don't remember, Reverend Haggard is the former president of the National Association of Evangelicals. He resigned last year after a male prostitute named Mike Jones alleged that Haggard had paid him for sex, almost monthly, for the last 3 years. In addition, Jones accused Haggard of methamphetamine abuse. I'm sure you all remember the story, but it is really too good to not tell over and over and over again (kind of like that time Aaron Carter ran over the mattress in his SUV and it caught on fire).

Yesterday, the panel overseeing Haggard's "recovery" released its findings that Haggard is not gay. On the small matter of his involvement with a male prostitute, the panel had this to say:

''He is completely heterosexual. That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing. If we're going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly. We're into this thing over 90 days and it hasn't happened.'' (Who knew that 90 days was the statute of limitation for 'He's gay' allegations against an evangelical? Mental note.)

I had to read this 8 times, but I think what they are saying is:

"He was only gay when he was actually having sex with that male prostitute every month for 3 years. When he wasn't having sex with that male prostitute, he wasn't gay. If no other men have come forward to say that they have had sex with him, then there are probably no other men, which means that he's not gay. Paying another man for sex monthly for 3 years doesn't make you gay, it just makes you rebellious."

Well, I'm glad we got this sorted out. Haggard and his wife have announced that they both plan to go back to school to pursue Master's degrees in Psychology which will presumably help them both to further investigate Haggard's “acting out" and maybe come to some conclusions about how to prevent further indiscretions.

It is good that Haggard didn’t have an affair with say, another evangelical from his church. If he had, and that man had as much to lose as Haggard did, that guy probably would have never come forward. Then Haggard never would have been exposed and never would have gotten the help he needed. I shudder to think that there might be other men out there who aren’t coming forward and aren’t getting the help that Haggard has, but it has been 90 days so I guess they are in the clear! Phew!*

*Thanks to Jackie and Jenny for the tip!

Bishops to Gays: Welcome to our church!

Guidelines adopted by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops on Tuesday acknowledged that gays and lesbians do not choose their sexual orientation and gay and lesbian "inclinations" are not sinful.

Wow! That's Fantastic! I finally feel welcomed in the Catholic Church again.

Wait.....

Hold on a second....

I forgot to read the entire article......

My bad, they still hate gays. According to the church's new policy being gay and being attracted to men is fine and you are born that way. Regardless of that, shut the hell up. If you have to, you can tell your close friends and family, but that's the extent of it. Oh, and of course, you can't act on your God given feelings(Gross. Disgusting) as such acts "cannot fulfill the natural end of human sexuality" (that tired old line again).

If you follow all of the above, then you are welcomed in the Catholic Church. Now THAT'S Christianity.

For all our right-leaning GTB fans out there, please spare me the we "hate the sin, not the sinner" B.S. I don't buy it. Hating me for my "sin" is just as hurtful as hating me. Plain and Simple.

-Scooter