Pat Robertson Has Tickets To the Gun Show

So I was working out with my trainer this week and I asked her “Can you leg press 2,000 pounds?” and she said “Uh, no.” and I replied, “Does it make you angry that Pat Robertson could kick your ass?” She seemed a little shocked by this question, but then again she may have simply been distracted by my incredible athletic prowess, which is often the case, given how incredibly fit I am.

Now, I know that it has been a few weeks since Pat Robertson, age 73, founder of the Christian Coalition, the Christian Broadcasting Network, host of the 700 club…the list goes on and on...announced on his website that back in February 2003 he was able to leg press 2,000 lbs, but I decided to hold off until now to give Pat a chance to retract his assertion.

Don’t get me wrong here; I have a REAL soft spot for Pat Robertson. My super Socialist friends are going to kill me for this, but I just can’t help myself. He’s so old and crazy. I watch his show, under the guise of observing my nemesis, but I really just can’t get enough of him. He’s like Cookie Monster, if Cookie Monster was incredibly judgmental and sort of a bigot. Ok, now that we have cleared up any ideas you had about me hating Pat Robertson, given his age, and recent proclivity towards saying CRAZY stuff (like that time he suggested the US assassinate the President of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez…or that other time that he said God told him that in 2006 the US would be “lashed by storms…may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest.”…um, that wasn’t God Pat…those were Scientists, and they were talking about Global Warming), I thought I should give the man a break and wait a few weeks before I brought this one up to the group. But yesterday in the Washington Post, they ran an article where Pat reaffirms that he has in fact leg pressed 2,000 lbs. and he was able to prepare for this feat by following a strict regimen of good old fashioned hard work and tasty protein shakes. I couldn’t leave this one alone any longer, even out of respect for the elderly.

Every other sports writer, blogger, and atheist has talked about the 1 million reasons why Pat Robertson leg-pressing 2,000 is as impossible as Paris Hilton scoring higher than me on the SAT’s, but I decided to go a different route. What if we went on the assumption that he DID do it, and that the actual story lies in HOW. Having absolutely zero training in investigative journalism, I was somehow able to infiltrate the Christian Broadcasting Network and obtain for you, our readers, the top-secret recipe for Pat’s Age-Defying Shake, the very shake that made him able to defy all odds and lift 2,000 lbs. without having his eyes pop out of his skull (I can confirm he does still have eyes because I saw him on the 700 Club just last night and if his eyes are glass, he has an uncanny ability to focus them on the camera). You people had better appreciate this because it is virtually impossible to access any real information about protein shakes OR Jesus on the CBN site without registering first. The good news is that by being a registered user, I’ll get news alerts every time they have to send out a press release because Pat has gone and threatened the life of an international leader again. Jim Jones had his Kool-Aid and Pat Robertson has….

Pat’s Age-Defying Shake

6 - 8 ounces of orange juice (water, other juices, low-fat or skim milk can be substituted)
*5 tablespoons soy protein isolate
*5 tablespoons whey protein isolate
2 tablespoons natural apple cider vinegar
1 tablespoon flaxseed oil
1 tablespoon safflower oil
2 tablespoons (or more) soy lecithin
1 teaspoon MSM powder
1 teaspoon glutamine powder
5 - 6 frozen strawberries (other fruits can be substituted)
Non-caloric sweetener to taste
4 - 5 ice cubes (optional, use for a colder shake)
SNL4

In a standard blender, combine the above ingredients. Blend until the shake is smooth and the ice cubes are crushed.

Other than the occasional free weights, I wouldn’t call myself a “bodybuilder” or a “health nut” so naturally I don’t really know what most of these ingredients are. Given that, I can’t judge the validity of the claim that they do anything worthwhile for your health or lifting abilities. I will tell you that the actual recipe provided on the website is 4 pages long and contains this as a footnote:

“As a footnote, please remember that white flour, refined sugar, and similar products made from white flour and refined sugar are the equivalent of poison to your system. They will bring on any number of ailments and will weaken you in any kind of serious athletic performance. … "

Oh! So it was the sugar and white flour that kept me out of the Olympics. And here I was thinking it was my stature and laziness.

Well, there you have it folks. Once again, the answer to one of life’s greatest mysteries revealed right here on the Good Times Blog, as promised. If anyone would like to volunteer to drink this shake for a month to see if it makes you strong like bull, please leave a note in the comments section.