Did She Just Say Maryland???

So if you click on the picture of the pretty lady on the left, you will go to a YouTube video with the audio from Oklahoma State Senator Sally Kern going off about gays. An Oklahoma state Senator gay bashing at a luncheon is sort of old news, but...if you listen carefully, about half-way through, between where she says gays are worse than "terrorists and Islam", but before she says gays and their high school clubs will destroy America, she says that gays have taken over city councils all over America! She gives 4 examples. One was Kensington, Maryland. Another was Takoma, Maryland (presumably she meant Takoma Park which DOES have a bunch of gays on their city council). You know you are doing something right when Oklahoma State Senators are using you as an example of all that is wrong with America!

A New Battle for the Teletubbies

I was going to post about the upcoming "2nd Cold War" that appears to be brewing with Russia, but then I found a story about an even bigger battle facing the Teletubbies, reaffirming their asexuality.

You may remember that about 8 years ago, the late Jerry Falwell raised concerns about the sexual orientation of the huggable and loveable purple teletubby, Tinky Winky. Because of his purpleness, triangle shaped antenna (or whatever that thing is on his head) and his beloved purse, lots of people have questioned which team Tinky Winky plays for. Now Poland is joining the list of groups who are demanding clarification of Tinky Winky's ambiguity.

Poland's Ewa Sowinska, "government-appointed children rights watchdog" has just realized that Tinky Winky is a allegedly a boy and that he definitely carries a handbag. She had vowed to have psychologists investigate the case, until the Polish Parliamentary Speaker, Ludwig Dorn, warned her against turning her department "into a laughing stock".

I'm not completely sure how this keeps coming up. If I were Tinky Winky, I would get on the phone with Ted Haggard. Ted somehow got the world to believe he's straight after he had a 3-year long drug-fueled affair with a male prostitute! I'm sure he can put Tinky Winky in touch with the right people to help "straighten" this out.

A Bittersweet Victory

The U.S. House of Representatives has voted to pass the Matthew Shephard Hate Crimes Act, a bill that would expand the federal hate crimes act to include the categories of gender and sexual orientation. Putting a damper on the celebration, the White House has indicated it will veto the bill if it makes it through the Senate. The statement issued by the Executive Office reads as follows:

"The Administration favors strong criminal penalties for violent crime, including crime based on personal characteristics, such as race, color, religion, or national origin. However, the Administration believes that H.R. 1592 is unnecessary and constitutionally questionable...there has been no persuasive demonstration of any need to federalize such a potentially large range of violent crime enforcement."

Focus on the Family founder James Dobson stated that he believed the bill's real intent was to “to muzzle people of faith who dare to express their moral and biblical concerns about homosexuality”.

Well, dare I say that if people of faith are expressing their moral and biblical concerns about homosexuality by committing violent crimes against gay people, then perhaps they should be muzzled.

*In other sad news, Rose, the most famous goat in Sudan, has died. Rose became famous a few months back after her husband, a human male named Charles, was forced by local elders to marry her after they were caught engaging in sexual relations. Rose is believed to have died after choking on a plastic bag she was eating. Rose is survived by her son (a goat) and her husband Charles (a man, not the father of her son). Rest in Peace Rose. Thanks to Luke for the tip.

Face Like a Hippo

Nope. Too easy. I'm not even going to touch it.

But you can in the comments section!

Not sure what we're talking about? Read the story in question, here.

In Defense of the Indefensible

You may all be starting to wonder why it has now been four days since "Coultergate" broke out and we haven't commented on it. Well here we are to explain why we didn't comment on it by posting the following comment.

Oh and for those of you living under a rock that is buried under 12 feet of gravel that has then been covered in a foot of cement click here to see what the Coulter scandal is all about.

We originally decided not to post about Ann's speech because pointing out that Ann Coulter said something offensive is like pointing out that Lindsay Lohan has a "drinking problem." For those that aren't familiar with Ann's history, here's a brief blast from the past:

Last year at the very same CPAC conference our dear friend Ms. Coulter had this to say about Muslims:
"I think our motto should be, post-9-11, 'raghead talks tough, raghead faces consequences.'"
-CPAC, 2/10/06

Not enough?...shortly after that on MSNBC she had this to say about Al Gore:
"I don't know if he's [Bill Clinton] gay. But Al Gore -- total fag."

So my question then becomes, what was Ann doing speaking at this year's CPAC in the first place? In this most recent Coulter controversy, Conservatives have denounced Ann for her comments. Saying that this is not what conservatism is about. Even Michelle Malkin was not a fan of the comments. But again this is not the first offensive comment Ann has made and this is not the first time other conservatives have claimed "Ann doesn't speak for me."

When people tell me they are a conservative, I cringe inside a little bit. I get nervous. I get uncomfortable. I assume they hate me for who I am, for who I love. Could I be wrong? Absolutely. Should I feel this way? Of course not. I know I'm making assumptions, as I have conservative friends and family who love me.

So my question to conservatives is, if Ann doesn't speak for you, why do you let her speak for you so much? Nobody is saying the woman is not entitled to her opinion. Let her rant and rave on AnnCoulter.com (NSFW) as much as she wants. But every time she is paraded around at national conferences and on television as a voice of conservatism it adds to my belief that conservatives think of me as nothing more than a left-wing faggot. But those are just my two cents

-Scooter

HooHaa in the Hell do You Think You Are?

In Atlantic Beach, Florida, a group of law students are staging a production of "The Vagina Monologues" as a benefit for charity. After a complaint from a passerby about the posting of the word vagina, the theater decided to change the marquee that advertises the play to read "The HooHaa Monologues".

The complaint came from a woman who was driving with her neice when the little girl asked her "What is a vagina?" (I say little because I couldn't find out how old this girl is. For all I know she could be 19 and given the rest of the story, I wouldn't be shocked). When Bryce Pfanenstiel, of the Atlantic Theater asked the woman how she replied to her niece's inquiry, the woman told Pfanenstiel "'I'm offended I had to answer the question." Rather than cause a controversy, the Atlantic Theater, which is also a comedy club, decided to change the sign, replacing "vagina" with the child slang word "HooHaa". The play's director has asked that the marquee be changed back.

Did I wake up in 1955? Are girls who are old enough to read not old enough to know the correct name for a part of their bodies? Isn't that part of the "Don't talk to strangers/Don't take candy from strangers/Your body is your business" presentation in elementary school? Has knowing what a vagina is somehow been linked to an increased likelihood of teen pregnancy? Somebody help me out here, I have to be missing something.

Ted Haggard Pronounced "Heterosexual", PHEW!

It has been a tense few months, but you can rest easy, Ted Haggard has been declared "Completely Heterosexual" by a board of four ministers who oversaw his 3 weeks of intense therapy aimed at modifying his behavioral issues. For those who don't remember, Reverend Haggard is the former president of the National Association of Evangelicals. He resigned last year after a male prostitute named Mike Jones alleged that Haggard had paid him for sex, almost monthly, for the last 3 years. In addition, Jones accused Haggard of methamphetamine abuse. I'm sure you all remember the story, but it is really too good to not tell over and over and over again (kind of like that time Aaron Carter ran over the mattress in his SUV and it caught on fire).

Yesterday, the panel overseeing Haggard's "recovery" released its findings that Haggard is not gay. On the small matter of his involvement with a male prostitute, the panel had this to say:

''He is completely heterosexual. That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing. If we're going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly. We're into this thing over 90 days and it hasn't happened.'' (Who knew that 90 days was the statute of limitation for 'He's gay' allegations against an evangelical? Mental note.)

I had to read this 8 times, but I think what they are saying is:

"He was only gay when he was actually having sex with that male prostitute every month for 3 years. When he wasn't having sex with that male prostitute, he wasn't gay. If no other men have come forward to say that they have had sex with him, then there are probably no other men, which means that he's not gay. Paying another man for sex monthly for 3 years doesn't make you gay, it just makes you rebellious."

Well, I'm glad we got this sorted out. Haggard and his wife have announced that they both plan to go back to school to pursue Master's degrees in Psychology which will presumably help them both to further investigate Haggard's “acting out" and maybe come to some conclusions about how to prevent further indiscretions.

It is good that Haggard didn’t have an affair with say, another evangelical from his church. If he had, and that man had as much to lose as Haggard did, that guy probably would have never come forward. Then Haggard never would have been exposed and never would have gotten the help he needed. I shudder to think that there might be other men out there who aren’t coming forward and aren’t getting the help that Haggard has, but it has been 90 days so I guess they are in the clear! Phew!*

*Thanks to Jackie and Jenny for the tip!

Ann Coulter Under Investigation for Super Boring Reason

Ann Coulter might be going to jail. It turns out that she may have knowingly voted in the wrong precinct during a February 7^th, Palm Beach Town Council election (yes, it is an election nobody cares about). That’s a felony. Unfortunately, this probably won’t pan out and I’ll admit it is kind of a witch hunt, but…if it wears pointy shoes and bakes little children in pies*, you should probably throw it in the river to see if it can swim.

Ann “Man Mitts” Coulter would make a pretty fantastic prison girlfriend for one (or more) lucky lady(s). Maybe if she found prison love she wouldn't be so furious and awful all the time. If you too would like to meet a very special incarcerated someone, click here.

*"bakes little children in pies” is of course Latin for “isn’t a very kind person.”

Here's a Winner...

I'm not gonna beat a dead horse. I'm days behind on this one and most of you already know the story...but have you read the Instant Messages? Beware, that link is sorta NSFW. The interesting news is that he checked himself into rehab for alcoholism today. I know lots of guys who do stupid things when they are drunk (like I have one friend who thinks he knows Kung Fu...he doesn't), but I haven't met anyone who gets drunk and suddenly decides to send sexually explicit instant messages/e-mails to underaged boys. In the words of my Kung Fu loving friend "Everybody has their vice." Too bad for Mark Foley that his vice is a few years shy of legal. To Mark Foley...and his truly Tara-ble idea.

Where was Adam when Ann Strangled a Puppy?

Perhaps it was in response to Ann Coulter's recent assertion that Bill Clinton is all to blame for the North Korea Missile Firings (disclaimer: I'm not asserting that previous administrations are faultless for current problems, but more the emphasis that it CLEARLY has nothing to do with the inaction of the current administration for the past 6 years). Maybe it was because Anne "jokingly" suggested "We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice Stevens' Creme brulee". Or possibly it was because of her February 23, 2006 speech at Indiana University where she stated, ""Liberals hate God and hate America". It is very likely it was in response to Ann's reference to 4 9/11 widow's as Harpies that are "reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by grief-arazzis."

Regardless of why, Adam Carolla has finally answered the question, "What do you do if Ann Coulter comes knockin on your door (or calling on the phone)? Hang up on the Bitch.

Of course, I think none of the reasons/quotes above (all obtained from wikipedia) explain why Adam has beef with Ann Coulter. There is not one doubt in my mind that it's because Ann Coulter murdered a puppy on live television. She really did, i read it online. Check it out for yourself *********

(Looks like the Man upstairs is also done with Ann^^^^^)

******* The authencity and accuracy of the Bigfib.com website cannot at this time be verified. Although Scooter stands 100% behind all other statements made in this posting I have not witnessed said strangulation and must therefore warn fans of the goodtimes blog to use caution before believing everything they read. All of that said, Ann Coulter killed that puppy because he hated God & America.

^^^^^ Actual existence of billboard awaiting goodtimes verification.

Pat Robertson Has Tickets To the Gun Show

So I was working out with my trainer this week and I asked her “Can you leg press 2,000 pounds?” and she said “Uh, no.” and I replied, “Does it make you angry that Pat Robertson could kick your ass?” She seemed a little shocked by this question, but then again she may have simply been distracted by my incredible athletic prowess, which is often the case, given how incredibly fit I am.

Now, I know that it has been a few weeks since Pat Robertson, age 73, founder of the Christian Coalition, the Christian Broadcasting Network, host of the 700 club…the list goes on and on...announced on his website that back in February 2003 he was able to leg press 2,000 lbs, but I decided to hold off until now to give Pat a chance to retract his assertion.

Don’t get me wrong here; I have a REAL soft spot for Pat Robertson. My super Socialist friends are going to kill me for this, but I just can’t help myself. He’s so old and crazy. I watch his show, under the guise of observing my nemesis, but I really just can’t get enough of him. He’s like Cookie Monster, if Cookie Monster was incredibly judgmental and sort of a bigot. Ok, now that we have cleared up any ideas you had about me hating Pat Robertson, given his age, and recent proclivity towards saying CRAZY stuff (like that time he suggested the US assassinate the President of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez…or that other time that he said God told him that in 2006 the US would be “lashed by storms…may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest.”…um, that wasn’t God Pat…those were Scientists, and they were talking about Global Warming), I thought I should give the man a break and wait a few weeks before I brought this one up to the group. But yesterday in the Washington Post, they ran an article where Pat reaffirms that he has in fact leg pressed 2,000 lbs. and he was able to prepare for this feat by following a strict regimen of good old fashioned hard work and tasty protein shakes. I couldn’t leave this one alone any longer, even out of respect for the elderly.

Every other sports writer, blogger, and atheist has talked about the 1 million reasons why Pat Robertson leg-pressing 2,000 is as impossible as Paris Hilton scoring higher than me on the SAT’s, but I decided to go a different route. What if we went on the assumption that he DID do it, and that the actual story lies in HOW. Having absolutely zero training in investigative journalism, I was somehow able to infiltrate the Christian Broadcasting Network and obtain for you, our readers, the top-secret recipe for Pat’s Age-Defying Shake, the very shake that made him able to defy all odds and lift 2,000 lbs. without having his eyes pop out of his skull (I can confirm he does still have eyes because I saw him on the 700 Club just last night and if his eyes are glass, he has an uncanny ability to focus them on the camera). You people had better appreciate this because it is virtually impossible to access any real information about protein shakes OR Jesus on the CBN site without registering first. The good news is that by being a registered user, I’ll get news alerts every time they have to send out a press release because Pat has gone and threatened the life of an international leader again. Jim Jones had his Kool-Aid and Pat Robertson has….

Pat’s Age-Defying Shake

6 - 8 ounces of orange juice (water, other juices, low-fat or skim milk can be substituted)
*5 tablespoons soy protein isolate
*5 tablespoons whey protein isolate
2 tablespoons natural apple cider vinegar
1 tablespoon flaxseed oil
1 tablespoon safflower oil
2 tablespoons (or more) soy lecithin
1 teaspoon MSM powder
1 teaspoon glutamine powder
5 - 6 frozen strawberries (other fruits can be substituted)
Non-caloric sweetener to taste
4 - 5 ice cubes (optional, use for a colder shake)
SNL4

In a standard blender, combine the above ingredients. Blend until the shake is smooth and the ice cubes are crushed.

Other than the occasional free weights, I wouldn’t call myself a “bodybuilder” or a “health nut” so naturally I don’t really know what most of these ingredients are. Given that, I can’t judge the validity of the claim that they do anything worthwhile for your health or lifting abilities. I will tell you that the actual recipe provided on the website is 4 pages long and contains this as a footnote:

“As a footnote, please remember that white flour, refined sugar, and similar products made from white flour and refined sugar are the equivalent of poison to your system. They will bring on any number of ailments and will weaken you in any kind of serious athletic performance. … "

Oh! So it was the sugar and white flour that kept me out of the Olympics. And here I was thinking it was my stature and laziness.

Well, there you have it folks. Once again, the answer to one of life’s greatest mysteries revealed right here on the Good Times Blog, as promised. If anyone would like to volunteer to drink this shake for a month to see if it makes you strong like bull, please leave a note in the comments section.