Loves His Marriage...Enough to Strangle His Wife

Bradley Gellert of Tampa, Florida was arrested and charged with felony domestic battery last night after attempting to strangle his wife. The couple was fighting over drugs.

This is probably the point in the story where you are wondering if we are just posting this story to give Bradley Gellert another shout out as an D-bag on Google (think "DWI Hit Parade" from the St. Mary's Today for all of our readers from down County)...no, we just want you to see the shirt he was wearing in his mugshot. Puffy hearts his marriage, but apparently not enough to NOT beat his wife. He should take a tip from Chris Brown and send her an iPod. Maybe they too could move past the domestic abuse and do a duet together!

For the record, Bradley Gellert works for Ameriprise, but we ask you to NOT hold this guy against them. We have an Ameriprise Financial planner and while he does love irony, he has never tried to strangle us.

*Thanks to Bucket for the tip!

That's McG-ruffed Up

Since most of the GTB's readership are DC natives or at the very least, long-term imports, we thought you would enjoy the story of Metro bus driver Shawn Brim and his very bad idea.

On Saturday, while driving his bus downtown, Brim came upon McGruff the Crime Dog handing out fliers about crime prevention to children on the street. Brim stopped, walked off the bus, adjusted his side view mirrors...and punched McGruff in the face, terrifying the group of children who had stopped to meet the famous anti-crime advocate and learn how they could take a bite out of crime (and deal with bullies).

Brim then got back on his bus and drove away. He later told his supervisor that he had chosen to beat up McGruff simply because he thought it would be funny. Brim is undergoing drug and alcohol testing, and his continued employment with Metro is...to be determined.

Let's tell the truth, who amongst us hasn't thought about punching McGruff the Crime Dog? With his trenchcoat and his life lessons, he is utterly punchable, but that's where the fantasy has to end. You don't actually do it and if you are going to do it, wait until you get off work. Not a sermon, just a thought.

One Woman's Unbe-weave-able Story of Survival

A Kansas City woman is alive today thanks to an unlikely hero...her hair weave! The woman was shot in the back of the head by her ex-boyfriend (who just prior to the shooting claimed he still loved her). Miraculously the woman's hair weave STOPPED THE BULLET. She escaped unscathed and police have arrested her ex-boyfriend.

I couldn't even find an appropriate graphic for this story because it is just so outrageous. You really need to see the video. That is one amazing weave. I wonder if the government knows that hair weaves can stop BULLETS. They should get Jessica Simpson to lead an infantry division in the Baghdad!

Chris Brown's Dad Clears Things Up

Chris Brown's father, Clinton Brown, commented this week on the allegations that his son beat his girlfriend, musical sensation, Rihanna, before the Grammy Awards last week, we feel much better about the situation:

"This is unfortunate, this stumble, this situation. Hopefully, he will get past it. We all have our shortcomings. We all trip."

He makes it sound like Chris Brown hit an unexpected patch of black ice (in Los Angeles) and accidentally busted up Rihanna's face on his way to the ground. He is right though, we all have our shortcomings, we are just glad that our shortcomings don't include smacking around our girlfriends.

Sad about Chris Brown and Rihanna? Here's a story
about a man who mailed a traffic ticket covered in mysterious white powder (that turned out to be instant pudding) into a police station causing the station to be evacuated and forcing 2 station employees into quarantine.

It is Our Honor to Present...

Say you got a dead fish in the mail, and the dead fish was covered in white powder, and we live in an era of post 9/11 paranoia, what would you do? If you are Maureen McCarthy, a senior adviser for weapons of mass destruction intelligence programs at the Department of Homeland Security, you would put the fish (white powder and all) in your car, drive your car to your workplace, and park your car full of white powder covered dead fish threat under the ventilation shaft for your building. The FBI closed McCarthy's building on Friday while they investigated the incident.

To her credit, she did call the security department for the building and ask them what to do, so the incident might not be 100% her fault. Also to, answer my own question, if I got a dead fish covered in white powder in the mail, I would probably eat it as I'm much more worried about the economy than I am about terrorism. I'd also send a thank you note to Jono and Brennan since they are my best guesses for the senders.

*Thanks to Reebs for the Hot Tip!

I am Running out of Companies to Buy Gas From

In 1998 there was a shooting on a Chevron oil rig off the coast of Nigeria that left 2 unarmed protesters dead. The peaceful protest was staged by villagers who sought jobs as compensation for the damage the rig had done to their fisheries and farmland. After the shooting, the villagers sued Chevron and (shockingly) lost. Now Chevron, presumably in an attempt to discourage any future law suits, is suing the villagers to recoup their legal fees. Chevron is asking for $495,000 ($190,000 for copy costs alone). You might recall that Chevron made $23.8 Billion in profits last year, good thing since they had to spend all that money on copies. I'm sure the Nigerian villagers will be able to pony up the cash if they put off getting their greedy little mouths on clean drinking water for another hundred years.

P.S. Does "Human Energy" make anyone else think that Chevron fuels its refineries with human souls or maybe babies?

Of All the Things You Could Smuggle from Dubai

An Australian man, returning from a trip to Dubai, was arrested for smuggling 2 pigeon eggs, 2 live pigeons, and an undeclared eggplant through customs. The man was detained after officials found the eggs in a vitamin container. The subsequent search yielded the 2 live pigeons, wrapped in padded envelopes and shoved inside the mans pants. No word on where they found the eggplant.

Why bother with pigeons when you could leave Dubai with pants full of crude oil? I'm also not sure why he bothered with the padded envelopes. Looks like the pigeons could have been quite cozy in that mangrove he is masquerading as leg hair.

Another Way to Screw Up Your Kid

An article published in the most recent issue of the journal Social Science Quarterly suggests that the popularity of a child's name can be a predictor of tendency towards criminal behavior. Researchers found that the more unpopular a child's name for the time in which the child is growing up, the more likely the child will eventually commit a crime.

According to the journal's publisher, "Adolescents with unpopular names may be more prone to crime because they are treated differently by their peers, making it more difficult for them to form relationships. Juveniles with unpopular names may also act out because they consciously or unconsciously dislike their names."

Finally a reason for why I knocked over that liquor store! Wait...how popular was the name "Lauren" in the late 1970's and early 1980's? Oh...maybe it really was just my love of scratch-offs and whiskey.

Hello Hospital!

All day long we intended (and were excited) to post about Ted Haggard's newest scandal (which is actually an old scandal that just came out...pun intended), but when then we saw this and decided it would brighten your day just a little bit more!

A hospital in Taiwan has overhauled its maternity ward in the theme of Hello Kitty! When asked about the makeover, owner Tsai Tsung-ji said "When new moms feel anxious and lost about how to deal with their new babies, Hello Kitty can make them more relaxed and reduce their sense of discomfort while giving birth".

I think we would prefer an epidural or a nightstick to the back of the neck. Strangely though, this is exactly what we assumed a hospital in Taiwan would look like. On another note, Hello Kitty helping new moms deal with feeling "lost about how to deal with their new babies"...who knew Tom Cruise owns a Hospital in Taiwan!

Sarah Palin is Still For Sale

A professional window dresser from West Hollywood was disappointed when the winning bidder from his eBay auction backed out of the transaction after he discovered that the Sarah Palin mannequin he had been bidding on had been hung in effigy this past Halloween. The winning bidder was a Sarah Palin fan and withdrew his bid of more than $2,200 when he discovered that the seller did not share his fondness for the former Vice Presidential candidate.

For the record we at the GTB do not support effigies in general (we hold the right to flip-flop on this subject if the effigies in question are in the likeness of Bill O'Reilly and/or The Queen of the Harpies Ann Coulter), and really the hanging of this effigy in particular is a side note. What really caught us about this story was the following:

1.) Somebody was going to pay $2,200 for a "Sarah Palin" mannequin? Why?? I ask you bidder, what was the plan? Fly around in a helicopter with it pretend you have the authority to shoot at wolves? Stand it in the room for moral support when you give your daughter a stern talking to about her unwanted teen pregnancy? Did you not see a picture of what you were buying? Which brings me to my next point...

2.) So you can just take a well-proportioned styrofoam body, put it in a fancy brown wig with some flashy glasses and a pretty red coat and call it a Vice Presidential candidate...oh wait, that sounds about right. I was about to call this the worst likeness I have ever seen, but I have seen the light. And finally...

3.) The guy selling this is a PROFESSIONAL WINDOW DRESSER. Take a look at this thing and ask yourself...FOR WHO?!? The Salvation Army? A used wig shop? Chico's? It doesn't say in the article, but I'll keep my eyes peeled the next time I'm walking through the hip shopping area of downtown East Berlin (before the wall came down).

HOT TIPS!

• The GTB has entered the year 2008...become a fan of us on Facebook! It is possible that the 15 non-authors who have already "fanned" us are the only 15 people who read this...but if we missed anybody, make sure you show us the love, Facebook Style. Do so, here (I have no idea if linking to this page will work).
  
  
• A former of employee of the University of Florida's emergency text messaging service may be charged with an as-yet-to-be-determined-crime for sending an emergency text to thousands of University students and faculty that read "The Monkey Got Out of the Cage". The man claims the text was an accident. Before you judge too harshly, who amongst us hasn't sent a text message they regretted the next day? Just ask this girl we know who sent out an upside down photo with the message "Hagby Odo Xfar?" after one too many bottles of screw-top champagne this New Years Eve!
  
  
• Big fat face Rush Limbaugh relayed a story to his listeners the other day about a recent request he received from an "American Publication" to sum up his feelings about the Inauguration in 400 words. Limbaugh ended his diatribe with "I hope he fails. Somebody's gotta say it." Wow Mr. Limbaugh...aren't you lucky people didn't wish failure upon you when you kicked your prescription drug habit?
  
  
• In case you didn't know, the economy is doing stellar. If you don't believe us check out the National Republican Congressional Committee's website. You can't make this stuff up.
  
  

Judge Roy "I'm a D-Bag" Pearson Earns Additional Title of "Herpes of the Legal System"

The Universe must be pretty jazzed about the return of the GTB because today it spoon-fed me an update on our favorite hijacker of the DC Courts, Judge Roy L. Pearson, Jr.

In case you forgot, Roy Pearson is the guy who has been suing his dry cleaners for $54 million in damages after they lost his pants (he claims) whereby not living up to their promise of "satisfaction guaranteed". The lawsuit has never really gone anywhere, but the legal fees did crush Jin Nam Chung and Soo Chung, the owners of Custom Cleaners, causing them to close their business last year.

Since we are sure you missed Judge D-Bag as much, if not more than you missed us, here's an update on what he has been doing since we last wrote about him...in October 2007 (yeah, it has really been going on that long. In fact, he first filed suit in 2005).

You probably remember that Pearson lost his original suit and appealed it to the DC Court of Appeals. A three-judge panel denied his appeal on the grounds that his argument "defied logic" (I couldn't make this up!). Pearson has now filed another appeal demanding that the full, nine-judge panel hear and respond to his argument.

How did this guy even make it through law school? Isn't there some sort of "Are you Batshit Crazy?" section on the Bar exam? I think I would feel better if Gary Busey threatened to pull out my Endocrine System than I do about Roy L. Pearson actually being a judge. We challenge you, our readers, to come up with a job that you would feel comfortable with Roy L. Pearson having. Preferably one that doesn't require him to wear suit pants since it seems that's how this whole thing started.

A New Day!

Today is the day, the day so many of us have waited for. Listening to Obama's Inaugural Address today we took note of this piece in particular:

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends - hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism - these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility - a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

He is right. The time has come for all of us to do our part. As such, we would like to announce the triumphant return of The Good Times Blog.

We don't have the audacity to assume that the GTB does anything really amazing, aside from occasionally providing secondhand news, celebrity gossip, political commentary, and sometimes a good hearty chuckle for its readers. You can rest assured that this newfound dedication to investigatory journalism is only a small part of the plan we are currently implementing to pull our own weight to better this new America. We also can't promise that the updates will happen daily, but we will do our best to keep the heartwarming Good Times coming.

Today is a new day for America and for the Good Times Blog. We challenge you to also look at your priorities and ask yourself where you can take up the challenge of our new President to come together and get America back on track. Our readers (you) are nothing if not fantastically intelligent and resourceful...we are excited to see what you will do!

Did She Just Say Maryland???

So if you click on the picture of the pretty lady on the left, you will go to a YouTube video with the audio from Oklahoma State Senator Sally Kern going off about gays. An Oklahoma state Senator gay bashing at a luncheon is sort of old news, but...if you listen carefully, about half-way through, between where she says gays are worse than "terrorists and Islam", but before she says gays and their high school clubs will destroy America, she says that gays have taken over city councils all over America! She gives 4 examples. One was Kensington, Maryland. Another was Takoma, Maryland (presumably she meant Takoma Park which DOES have a bunch of gays on their city council). You know you are doing something right when Oklahoma State Senators are using you as an example of all that is wrong with America!

Excellent News for the Economy

For those of you who were slightly concerned about the US economy because all of those liberal alarmists have "implied" that we might be about to enter or maybe have already entered a RECESSION, good news...those Socialist Bastards were INCORRECT. Bush and Bernanke cleared up the confusion today stating that in spite of all evidence to the contrary, the economy, though in a "rocky period" is not in an downward spiral that will inevitably end with China owning us. That is the good news. The bad news is that Bush got a C- in Econ 101.

Elmo Know Your Name...and he Wants You Dead

A Florida mother got quite the scare this week after she changed the batteries in her son's "Elmo Knows Your Name" doll. The doll, which can be programmed to repeat its young owner's name, had apparently learned a new phrase with its new batteries. He now says "Kill James!" (conveniently the name of the woman's son). The concerned mother contacted the toy's manufacturer, Fisher-Price, and they will provide her with a voucher for a new Elmo (if I were her I would burn that voucher).

Having always been slightly afraid of soulless, homicidal dolls and the inevitable Doll/Human War that will surely lead to the apocalypse, I decided to investigate this "Elmo Knows Your Name" character more thoroughly. Given Elmo's popularity, he is the logical choice for commander of the Immortal Doll Army. Here's what Fisher-Price has to say about soon to be Public Enemy #1:

Elmo knows your name, your family & friend’s names and your birth date! Elmo also knows your favorite foods, color and animal, too!

Long and short...ELMO KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU AND YOU SHOULD BE TERRIFIED. Not only will he kill you, if given the chance he'll kill everyone you love, and he'll probably do it on your birthday.

I for one plan to move into the underground bunker I built beneath my house. As my last act of philanthropy before going into hiding, I will send one of these creepy dolls to Ralph Nader. Maybe it can scare him into understanding that YES everyone wants a third-party option, but NOBODY thinks he's the guy that will make it happen and EVERYBODY is pissed that he thinks this is the year to go for it (again).

Has Fred Phelps Franchised?

Is it possible that Fred Phelps has opened up a branch of the WBC in Israel? It seems unlikely, but there is evidence that it is possible. Shlomo Benizri, an Israeli MP from the super-Orthodox Shas party, blamed recent natural disasters in Israel on..the gays (is it me or are the gays shockingly powerful? Like superhero powerful. I have a theory that they funnel house music straight into the depths of their souls where they pack it so tightly that eventually it erupts in the form of earth quakes, tsunamis, bird flu, and shows on HGTV...it is a working theory but it has teeth). While speaking on the issue of disaster preparedness, Benizri told a committee that Israel should "stop passing legislation on how to encourage homosexual activity in the state of Israel, which anyway brings about earthquakes."

There are lots of things I could say about this, like, maybe this guy is right...I mean look how many earthquakes San Francisco has...but I think I'll just leave it at "Shlomo is an awesome name".

P.S. The picture above has nothing to do with Israel, but it is pretty funny.

What's Scarier Than a Plane Full of Snakes?

Those ever efficient Germans have figured out a way to ensure that passengers aren't hiding plastic forks under their clothes...they let them take them off! A German travel company is trying out a new day trip itinerary aimed at nudist patrons. For a mere $735, you and your nudey friends can take a day trip from Germany to the Baltic Sea Resort of Usedom.

Passengers will be required to wear clothes onto the plane and put them back on before the plane lands, but in the air, anything goes. The owner of the travel company acknowledged that the idea might sound crazy to some but he noted that there is an available niche market that could be tapped into. He did clarify, "I don't want people to get the wrong idea. It's not that we're starting a swinger club in mid-air or something like that. We're a perfectly normal holiday company." Germany, the land of entrepreneurs and cream cheese pizza.

*Thanks to Brookey for the tip!

Hey! Spain Has One Too!

So in America we might be stuck with the judge who sued the dry cleaners and forced them out of business for allegedly losing his pants, but at least we aren't Spain! In Spain, they have a motorist who is suing the family of the 17-year old bicyclist he killed in hopes of seeking repayment for damage the crash caused to his Audi A8.

While the man, Tomas Delgado, hasn't been charged with a crime, his insurance company did pay the boy's family 33,000 euros after acknowledging that Delgado's "excessive" speed may have contributed to the accident.

When asked why he was suing the family for the equivalent of $29,300 Delgado told a reporter, "I'm also a victim in all of this, you can't fix the lad's problems, but you can fix mine."

We Haven't Been Kidnapped

In case you were worried (which I don't think you were since the cops haven't shown up at our houses yet), Lulu bought a house and has been moving in (very slowly) and Scooter got a new job at a restaurant that doesn't have any customers so he has to work 24 hours a day. We will be back soon, we promise.

Efficient? Yes. Stupid? Also Yes.

A German man was in line for a plane home from Egypt when security told him that he would have to dump out the liter of vodka he was carrying or pay to have his carry-on bag checked thanks to the airline liquid ban. Instead, the man chose option C. He drank the entire liter. Then he went to the hospital to be treated for alcohol poisoning.

See, to me, that is incredibly efficient. He bought the vodka, so he drank the vodka. The fact that it was enough vodka to KO Lindsay Lohan (or an elephant), yeah maybe that wasn't the best part of the plan.

Romney to America: Mormon Shmorman!

Today Mitt Romney said that, "A person should not be elected because of his faith, nor should he be rejected because of his faith"

Sounds good. Sounds like Mitt feels that religions shouldn't be a litmus test for presidential office. Go Mitt Go!

But wait just a second. A short while ago Romney was asked if he'd be willing to appoint a Muslim to his cabinet if elected. His response:
" . . . based on the numbers of American Muslims [as a percentage of] our population, I cannot see that a Cabinet position would be justified. But of course, I would imagine that Muslims could serve at lower levels of my administration."

So religion shouldn't be a litmus test for president but it should for cabinet positions. Makes perfect sense to me Mitt.

Also, not to get hung up on a technicality but Muslims claim 7 million adherents in the U.S. compared to the 5.5 million adherents claimed by LDS.

A Tara-bly AWESOME Idea for What You Can Get ME!

If you have been sitting around wondering just what to get me as a housewarming gift, here's an idea...Tara Reid! She had been pedaling her appearance in Australia for $30K, but when there were no takers, she dropped the asking price to a mere $3,500. That is downright CHEAP.

I'm not sure if anyone reads this blog, but if they do, and there are like a thousand of you out there, you could get me Tara Reid for only $3.50 each. That is one less Happy Meal for you and a lifetime of happy memories for me.

Think it over. Having Tara Reid come to my housewarming party would be so amazing that this blog would probably explode because there is absolutely nothing that could happen on earth that would top that. I would never again have anything to write about. Yes, this could work.

Fool Me Once...Shame on You...Fool Me Eight Times...uh...You Can't Get Fooled Again

Everybody's favorite Toe-Tappin' Senator, Larry Craig, remains under the hot lights about his alleged affairs or attempts at affairs with men who are not his wife. Craig's hometown paper now claims to have accounts from 8 men stating that they either had sex with Craig or were propositioned for sex by Craig.

First off, I can't believe we are still talking about this. Larry Craig should have pulled a Ted Haggard, headed to Gay Rehab, and then had a church board declare him heterosexual (or cured). Instead, he keeps denying it which angers the people who he did it with, which makes them come forward because even men who get paid for sex have enough dignity to hate being called liars. Let's be honest folks, could there possibly be 8 men in this world who hate Larry Craig enough to lie about having sex with him? If they didn't have sex with him, they are only punishing themselves by claiming that they did.

When will the Larry Craigs of the world learn that if you are going to are going to have an affair that will ruin your career, have it with somebody who has as much to lose as you do. For instance Larry Craig and Ted Haggard could have had a rather lovely romance, but no...instead they both called the same male prostitute who in turn ratted them both out. These are the people we have running our nation? Where is their sense of patriotism? If you are going to be in government, you either have to be able to tell the truth and deal with the consequences (HA!) or able to successfully execute a cover-up...Larry Craig can do neither and that alone is reason enough to kick him back to Idaho.

Aren't You Overreacting, Just a Tad?

A Russian man accidentally blew himself up with a hand grenade after train conductors asked to see his ticket. The conductors thought the man, who appeared intoxicated, had a grenade and asked him to show his paperwork or get off the train at the next stop. The man showed the conductors the grenade and demanded that the train go to the city of Vladivostok instead of its planned destination of the city of Chelyabinsk. At this point, the other train passengers were evacuated. Negotiations with the man were going well until the man tried to replace the pin that he had removed from the grenade. The grenade (not shockingly) detonated, killing the man but injuring no one else.

He blew himself up because the conductor asked to see his train ticket and he believed he could hijack a train with a single grenade. Is there a website that stupid people and people who are prone to overreaction can go to purchase things to blow themselves up? How do idiots manage to so easily get their hands on explosives when intelligent people like myself can't get our hands on explosives to say...blow up some ground bees that have invaded our back yard? They say everybody is good at something, apparently the less bright are better at procuring weapons.

Singapore Rocks On

Singapore's Media Development Authority wants you to know they have big plans for Singapore on the world media stage. It is pretty awesome that they took time out of their busy foreign media censoring schedule to rap about how much they love a free exchange of ideas and information.

Justice Department Gets New Employee

The U.S. Attorney for Minnesota is leaving her post to take a job with the Justice Department right here in our Nation's Capital. Rachel Paulose leaves her post amid a swirl of allegations that she mishandled confidential information and used racial slurs about an employee.

Racial slurs and an inability to handle confidential information? She will fit right in at the Justice Department.

Welcome to Washington Rachel!

Did India Legalize Gay Marriage?

I ask because last week, P. Selvakumar of Southern India married a dog. Selvakumar decided to propose in an effort to atone for the fact that 15 years ago he stoned 2 different dogs to death. He said that his life has been cursed ever since and he decided that the best thing to do was to make a dog his wife. So far no word on if his life has improved since the wedding.

I'm pretty sure that this type of thing only follows the legalization of Gay Marriage so congrats to all the Gays in India as well!

Must Be the Provigil

There is a rumor circulating that Britney Spears failed one of the 6 out of 14 drug tests that she has bothered to show up for. Team Britney claims that the failure was due in part to the presence of the prescription drug Provigil that Britney takes to control her Narcolepsy.

Time out...Britney Spears is Narcoleptic? Notice that her lawyer didn't mention her narcolepsy when trying to explain why Britney can't manage to make it out of bed to go to her drug tests:

“The idea that she needs to respond within the hour is meaningless. Is the issue that Britney Spears needs to get up at 8.30am and answer the phone? She's a pop star with a number one album. She is not up that early."

Did Britney Spears find her lawyer at A.) the back-up dancer unemployment office or B.) an Arby's?

Vote in the comments section!

Fun, Delicious, Deadly

Yet another toy manufactured in China has been pulled from the shelves. This time it was "Aqua Dots" bead kits. When ingested, the coating on the dots converts into a "date rape" drug that has already put several children in the hospital.

What is the world coming to that kids can't even swallow their toys without fear of ending up hospitalized? The good news is that I finally have an explanation for why that creepy guy at the bar kept offering to buy me a "cup of plastic beads".