A New Low for the Drunk

Sometimes people drink. Sometimes people drink too much. Sometimes people drink too much...and get arrested for public intoxication because they have been caught on the side of the road attempting to resuscitate a long-dead opossum.

That is the story of Donald Wolfe, 55, of Pennsylvania (somewhere North of Pittsburgh). Troopers pulled over after seeing a man performing what appeared to be a "seance" over the carcass of a dead opossum on the shoulder of a Pennsylvania highway. As they approached, Wolfe began performing CPR on the animal. Wolfe was unable to resuscitate the roadkill and was arrested...and presumably tested for rabies.

One Woman's Unbe-weave-able Story of Survival

A Kansas City woman is alive today thanks to an unlikely hero...her hair weave! The woman was shot in the back of the head by her ex-boyfriend (who just prior to the shooting claimed he still loved her). Miraculously the woman's hair weave STOPPED THE BULLET. She escaped unscathed and police have arrested her ex-boyfriend.

I couldn't even find an appropriate graphic for this story because it is just so outrageous. You really need to see the video. That is one amazing weave. I wonder if the government knows that hair weaves can stop BULLETS. They should get Jessica Simpson to lead an infantry division in the Baghdad!

Sarah Palin is Still For Sale

A professional window dresser from West Hollywood was disappointed when the winning bidder from his eBay auction backed out of the transaction after he discovered that the Sarah Palin mannequin he had been bidding on had been hung in effigy this past Halloween. The winning bidder was a Sarah Palin fan and withdrew his bid of more than $2,200 when he discovered that the seller did not share his fondness for the former Vice Presidential candidate.

For the record we at the GTB do not support effigies in general (we hold the right to flip-flop on this subject if the effigies in question are in the likeness of Bill O'Reilly and/or The Queen of the Harpies Ann Coulter), and really the hanging of this effigy in particular is a side note. What really caught us about this story was the following:

1.) Somebody was going to pay $2,200 for a "Sarah Palin" mannequin? Why?? I ask you bidder, what was the plan? Fly around in a helicopter with it pretend you have the authority to shoot at wolves? Stand it in the room for moral support when you give your daughter a stern talking to about her unwanted teen pregnancy? Did you not see a picture of what you were buying? Which brings me to my next point...

2.) So you can just take a well-proportioned styrofoam body, put it in a fancy brown wig with some flashy glasses and a pretty red coat and call it a Vice Presidential candidate...oh wait, that sounds about right. I was about to call this the worst likeness I have ever seen, but I have seen the light. And finally...

3.) The guy selling this is a PROFESSIONAL WINDOW DRESSER. Take a look at this thing and ask yourself...FOR WHO?!? The Salvation Army? A used wig shop? Chico's? It doesn't say in the article, but I'll keep my eyes peeled the next time I'm walking through the hip shopping area of downtown East Berlin (before the wall came down).

Judge Roy "I'm a D-Bag" Pearson Earns Additional Title of "Herpes of the Legal System"

The Universe must be pretty jazzed about the return of the GTB because today it spoon-fed me an update on our favorite hijacker of the DC Courts, Judge Roy L. Pearson, Jr.

In case you forgot, Roy Pearson is the guy who has been suing his dry cleaners for $54 million in damages after they lost his pants (he claims) whereby not living up to their promise of "satisfaction guaranteed". The lawsuit has never really gone anywhere, but the legal fees did crush Jin Nam Chung and Soo Chung, the owners of Custom Cleaners, causing them to close their business last year.

Since we are sure you missed Judge D-Bag as much, if not more than you missed us, here's an update on what he has been doing since we last wrote about him...in October 2007 (yeah, it has really been going on that long. In fact, he first filed suit in 2005).

You probably remember that Pearson lost his original suit and appealed it to the DC Court of Appeals. A three-judge panel denied his appeal on the grounds that his argument "defied logic" (I couldn't make this up!). Pearson has now filed another appeal demanding that the full, nine-judge panel hear and respond to his argument.

How did this guy even make it through law school? Isn't there some sort of "Are you Batshit Crazy?" section on the Bar exam? I think I would feel better if Gary Busey threatened to pull out my Endocrine System than I do about Roy L. Pearson actually being a judge. We challenge you, our readers, to come up with a job that you would feel comfortable with Roy L. Pearson having. Preferably one that doesn't require him to wear suit pants since it seems that's how this whole thing started.

Aren't You Overreacting, Just a Tad?

A Russian man accidentally blew himself up with a hand grenade after train conductors asked to see his ticket. The conductors thought the man, who appeared intoxicated, had a grenade and asked him to show his paperwork or get off the train at the next stop. The man showed the conductors the grenade and demanded that the train go to the city of Vladivostok instead of its planned destination of the city of Chelyabinsk. At this point, the other train passengers were evacuated. Negotiations with the man were going well until the man tried to replace the pin that he had removed from the grenade. The grenade (not shockingly) detonated, killing the man but injuring no one else.

He blew himself up because the conductor asked to see his train ticket and he believed he could hijack a train with a single grenade. Is there a website that stupid people and people who are prone to overreaction can go to purchase things to blow themselves up? How do idiots manage to so easily get their hands on explosives when intelligent people like myself can't get our hands on explosives to say...blow up some ground bees that have invaded our back yard? They say everybody is good at something, apparently the less bright are better at procuring weapons.

Did India Legalize Gay Marriage?

I ask because last week, P. Selvakumar of Southern India married a dog. Selvakumar decided to propose in an effort to atone for the fact that 15 years ago he stoned 2 different dogs to death. He said that his life has been cursed ever since and he decided that the best thing to do was to make a dog his wife. So far no word on if his life has improved since the wedding.

I'm pretty sure that this type of thing only follows the legalization of Gay Marriage so congrats to all the Gays in India as well!

Fun, Delicious, Deadly

Yet another toy manufactured in China has been pulled from the shelves. This time it was "Aqua Dots" bead kits. When ingested, the coating on the dots converts into a "date rape" drug that has already put several children in the hospital.

What is the world coming to that kids can't even swallow their toys without fear of ending up hospitalized? The good news is that I finally have an explanation for why that creepy guy at the bar kept offering to buy me a "cup of plastic beads".

Delicious Donkey

A Beijing, China donkey meat shop is in trouble for using a live donkey for promotional purposes. The donkey mascot is left on local street corners alone, often for hours at a time, wearing a coat that displays an ad for his owners. Locals are appalled by the treatment of the donkey, but the owner of the donkey meat shop insists there is no harm done and that serves his purpose to bring in more customers.

If I had a donkey meat shop, I would definitely use a live donkey as a billboard. This would allow people to see the quality of my product and entice them to my establishment. How else would people know that the donkey meat at my shop is better than the donkey meat offered at my neighbor's donkey meat shop? Jeez. You crazy animal activists.

My Sign Was A Bad Choice....Happy Halloween!

So I had a great idea to save money this Halloween. I would make a sign that said "No Candy", hang it in my (parent's) window, turn out the lights and wait for the stream of disappointed kids to pass my house. Turns out that was a bad call since in Maryland, the "No Candy" sign is what registered sex offenders have to hang on their doors to keep the kiddies away. Good thing my parents had already bought some candy so we could avoid an uncomfortable and embarassing situation with the neighbors.

For more information on how some states combat "Strangers With Candy" on the holiday made to facilitate children taking candy from strangers, click here.

Pickle Tosser Gets Probation

Good News! Bobby Lee Bolen got probation! Who is Bobby Lee Bolen you may ask? Very good question my smart friend. Bobby Lee Bolen is the Buchanan, MI man who was just hanging out at his buddy Jody Lee's house when things went terribly wrong. Bobby Lee went to the fridge to help himself to some pickles. Jody told him to lay off the pickles because he couldn't afford to feed anyone and everyone who wanted some pickles from his fridge. The men had a verbal altercation. Bobby Lee stormed out of the house. Jody contemplated their friendship. Bobby Lee stormed back in, tossed Jody down on the couch and threw 2 large pickles at him shouting "Here's your damn pickles!" Police say that alcohol played a role in the incident.

Bobby Lee was charged with assault but has escaped with just a year of probation. I just thought it was good news that you might want to hear, you know, in case you are keeping a list of things you can hurl at your ex-friends without getting jail time.

Iranian Presidents In New York, Ninjas Robbing Gas Stations in Pennsylvania, What is This Country Coming to?

I was going to write an awesome post about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and how he is crazy like a fox. My post was going to be based on this "just the tip of the crazy iceberg" quote from his speech at Columbia University yesterday: "In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country. In Iran we do not have this phenomenon. I do not know who has told you we have it."

Then I realized that the GTB is dedicated to investigatory journalism and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad being crazy is not a hardhitting news report. In fact, it isn't news at all and you and I both know that stories that aren't news, aren't what you come here for.

So I went in search of a story that IS news. That IS crazy. That is exactly the type of story that will shock and inspire our readers. That's when I stumbled upon this story about the gas station in Richland Township, PA that was robbed early Sunday morning by women dressed as ninjas brandishing a samurai sword and a dagger. The bandits made off with lotto tickets and a bag of cigarettes (classy!). The suspects are still at large.

I also suggest you check out this site that tells you how you too can become a ninja. Hopefully not the kind that robs gas stations for smokes and lotto tickets you can never cash in.

Does Victory Taste Good Roy Pearson?

Judge Roy Pearson (a.k.a. the ass who made an international joke of himself while proving just how easy it is to hijack the American legal system when he sued his local dry cleaner for $67 million over the matter of a pair of lost pants) finally got a "win" this week. Soo and Jin Chung, the owners of Custom Cleaners in Northeast, DC announced this week that they would be closing their store on Bladensburg Road. The couple, who will continue to operate their second store, Happy Cleaners located on 7th street by the DC Convention Center, decided to close the store in the hopes of putting the ordeal behind them. Too bad they still have to face the appeal to the Superior court's decision that Roy "Ass" Pearson filed last month.

God, You've Been Served

Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers is suing God. Chambers claims that God has "made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants." Some might argue that he has a case. I personally wouldn't blame things on God, because I don't think you should mess with the man upstairs, but whether he has a case or not isn't really important. Senator Chambers has filed the lawsuit in a rather misdirected attempt to draw attention to what he calls frivolous lawsuits.

Here's where it gets interesting. Senator Chambers has a very specific complaint. He is angry about a single lawsuit in particular. Is it the one where the people sued McDonald's for making them fat? Nope. Is it the one where the Judge sued the dry cleaners for millions of dollars over a pair of pants? Nope, that's not the one either. Senator Chambers is furious about the rape victim who is suing the judge that barred her from saying rape, victim, sexual assault, assailant, and sexual assault kit from the testimony she gave at the trial of the man who raped her. Thousands of lawsuits to get angry about, and this is the one he picks to make his argument about?!? Really? Since I imagine this won't be the impetus for a sweeping overhaul of the American legal system, I mostly just feel bad for God. This is going to cost him a fortune in legal fees.

*P.S. if you get a minute, google Senator Ernie Chambers. He has done some nutty stuff, but overall, I really like the guy!

Inmates Angry That Warden Hid the Sausage

Inmates at the Lea County Detention Facility in Hobbs, NM started a borderline riot on Tuesday after being told that henceforth they would be limited to a single serving of sausage with their dinner. The inmates, about 33 of them, set fires, broke toilets, and smashed windows before they were locked down for the night.

Dudes in prison starting a riot over sausage. Yeah, that one is just too easy.

More Trouble for Michael Vick

If you thought Michael Vick was in trouble before, then you will think he is absolutely screwed now! An South Carolina inmate has filed a "$63,000,000,000 Billion Dollar" complaint against him. The inmate claims that Michael:

• Stole his dogs to use in dog fights
• Sold the dogs on EBay when he was done with them
  
• Used the money from the EBay sale to purchase missiles from Iran
  
• Stole the inmate's identity and used his information to get a store credit card from PetSmart to buy dog food for the animals involved in his dogfighting ring
• Used drugs in a school zone

These are just the highlights. He did a bunch of other stuff too. The inmate also requested that Michael Vick stop "physically hurting (his) feelings and dashing (his) hopes”.

You can read the entire handwritten complaint, here. Trust me when I tell you that it is worth a minute of your time.

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

Karl Rove has resigned. Far be it from me to pass judgment, we'll let history take care of that dirty work.

Post your favorite Rovements in the comments section!

And as if today could get any more awesome...in Estonia, a blind man was caught drunk driving for the SECOND TIME today. The man had 3 passengers in his car giving him direction at the time of his arrest. God Bless Estonia, wherever it may be.*

*Thanks to Dave for the tip!

My Mom Says This Blog Is too Negative

So in her honor I decided to post this incredible story about the 8-ft. tall lego man that washed up on the shores of the Zandvoort resort in Amsterdam. The workers at a drink stall on the beach saw the lego man bobbing in the sea and rescued him. He now stands guard at the drink stall.

Please note the incredibly deep sentiment on his shirt.

Best story I've heard in a long time. Ain't nothin' negative about an 8 foot tall lego man being rescued from the sea.

Congratulations Duggar Family!

As many of you know...I LOVE the Duggar Family! If you don't know what I'm talking about, just watch any of the Discovery Channel Channels and sometimes TLC and you will meet a family like no other. A family with 16 children...well, until Wednesday when the Duggar family welcomed their 17th child, a daughter named Jennifer Danielle! Jennifer was welcomed into the world by her siblings, Joshua, 19; John David, 17; Janna, 17; Jill, 16; Jessa, 14; Jinger, 13; Joseph, 12; Josiah, 11; Joy-Anna, 9; Jedidiah, 8; Jeremiah, 8; Jason 7; James 6; Justin, 4; Jackson, 3; and Johannah, almost 2.

If you have never caught one of the Duggar's many TV specials, I highly recommend them. They are usually chocked full of tasty recipes and wholesome family fun.

Congratulations to the Duggar family! I didn't even know they were expecting!

They're Livin' in a Powder Keg and We're Sellin' Them Sparks

In a brilliant strategic move towards the lofty goal of peace in the Middle East, the Bush Administration unveiled its plans to sell $20 billion worth of weapons to Saudi Arabia, the UAE, Kuwait, Qatar, Bahrain and Oman. The drive behind the move to arm the countries that are considered U.S. allies in the Middle East is the growing military capabilities of Iran. Secretary of State Condi Rice even went so far as to say that "There isn't a doubt that Iran constitutes the single most important single-country strategic challenge to the United States and to the kind of the Middle East that we want to see".

Wow! It sounds like Iran is a real problem. I guess it is too bad that we blew our wad in Iraq and are now pretty much powerless to do anything to stop them. Oh wait! I know what we could do...get Iran's enemies to PAY us for weapons! We could actually make money off of the Middle East's descent into complete chaos! Brilliant idea since we have such an awesome history of being able to keep track of weapons after we sell them to other countries. I hope that Condi gets somebody to pinky swear that they won't use those weapons on us!

Oh...And isn't Saudi Arabia funding the Sunni insurgents and refusing to cooperate with the new Iraqi government? I guess it doesn't matter since we have also started arming the Sunni insurgents ... oh and since the Iraqi government is on vacation it doesn't really matter if Saudi Arabia won't cooperate with them.

DOUBLE BONUS ROUND: How many 9/11 Hijackers were from Saudi Arabia? How many names on the current FBI most wanted Terrorist List are from one of these 6 countries?

TRIPLE BONUS: Anyone know what awesome ballad I stole the title of this post from?

Sorry! Wrong Number!

Sometimes people make typos. If you read this blog, you know that sometimes even we make typos and we are totally awesome. Mistakes happen, right? Well, one typo is causing terrible distress to victims of sexual assault in the great state of Florida.

It was discovered this week that the phone number listed in both the phone book and on the Florida Attorney General's website for the North Central Florida Sexual Assault Center was actually the number for phone sex line. Callers in search of help to deal with their sexual assaults were instead greeted by pornographic recordings.

The Attorney General's office could not explain how the error had occurred and has promised to have the error corrected immediately.