Excellent News for the Economy

For those of you who were slightly concerned about the US economy because all of those liberal alarmists have "implied" that we might be about to enter or maybe have already entered a RECESSION, good news...those Socialist Bastards were INCORRECT. Bush and Bernanke cleared up the confusion today stating that in spite of all evidence to the contrary, the economy, though in a "rocky period" is not in an downward spiral that will inevitably end with China owning us. That is the good news. The bad news is that Bush got a C- in Econ 101.

Elmo Know Your Name...and he Wants You Dead

A Florida mother got quite the scare this week after she changed the batteries in her son's "Elmo Knows Your Name" doll. The doll, which can be programmed to repeat its young owner's name, had apparently learned a new phrase with its new batteries. He now says "Kill James!" (conveniently the name of the woman's son). The concerned mother contacted the toy's manufacturer, Fisher-Price, and they will provide her with a voucher for a new Elmo (if I were her I would burn that voucher).

Having always been slightly afraid of soulless, homicidal dolls and the inevitable Doll/Human War that will surely lead to the apocalypse, I decided to investigate this "Elmo Knows Your Name" character more thoroughly. Given Elmo's popularity, he is the logical choice for commander of the Immortal Doll Army. Here's what Fisher-Price has to say about soon to be Public Enemy #1:

Elmo knows your name, your family & friend’s names and your birth date! Elmo also knows your favorite foods, color and animal, too!

Long and short...ELMO KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU AND YOU SHOULD BE TERRIFIED. Not only will he kill you, if given the chance he'll kill everyone you love, and he'll probably do it on your birthday.

I for one plan to move into the underground bunker I built beneath my house. As my last act of philanthropy before going into hiding, I will send one of these creepy dolls to Ralph Nader. Maybe it can scare him into understanding that YES everyone wants a third-party option, but NOBODY thinks he's the guy that will make it happen and EVERYBODY is pissed that he thinks this is the year to go for it (again).

Has Fred Phelps Franchised?

Is it possible that Fred Phelps has opened up a branch of the WBC in Israel? It seems unlikely, but there is evidence that it is possible. Shlomo Benizri, an Israeli MP from the super-Orthodox Shas party, blamed recent natural disasters in Israel on..the gays (is it me or are the gays shockingly powerful? Like superhero powerful. I have a theory that they funnel house music straight into the depths of their souls where they pack it so tightly that eventually it erupts in the form of earth quakes, tsunamis, bird flu, and shows on HGTV...it is a working theory but it has teeth). While speaking on the issue of disaster preparedness, Benizri told a committee that Israel should "stop passing legislation on how to encourage homosexual activity in the state of Israel, which anyway brings about earthquakes."

There are lots of things I could say about this, like, maybe this guy is right...I mean look how many earthquakes San Francisco has...but I think I'll just leave it at "Shlomo is an awesome name".

P.S. The picture above has nothing to do with Israel, but it is pretty funny.