Elmo Know Your Name...and he Wants You Dead

A Florida mother got quite the scare this week after she changed the batteries in her son's "Elmo Knows Your Name" doll. The doll, which can be programmed to repeat its young owner's name, had apparently learned a new phrase with its new batteries. He now says "Kill James!" (conveniently the name of the woman's son). The concerned mother contacted the toy's manufacturer, Fisher-Price, and they will provide her with a voucher for a new Elmo (if I were her I would burn that voucher).

Having always been slightly afraid of soulless, homicidal dolls and the inevitable Doll/Human War that will surely lead to the apocalypse, I decided to investigate this "Elmo Knows Your Name" character more thoroughly. Given Elmo's popularity, he is the logical choice for commander of the Immortal Doll Army. Here's what Fisher-Price has to say about soon to be Public Enemy #1:

Elmo knows your name, your family & friend’s names and your birth date! Elmo also knows your favorite foods, color and animal, too!

Long and short...ELMO KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU AND YOU SHOULD BE TERRIFIED. Not only will he kill you, if given the chance he'll kill everyone you love, and he'll probably do it on your birthday.

I for one plan to move into the underground bunker I built beneath my house. As my last act of philanthropy before going into hiding, I will send one of these creepy dolls to Ralph Nader. Maybe it can scare him into understanding that YES everyone wants a third-party option, but NOBODY thinks he's the guy that will make it happen and EVERYBODY is pissed that he thinks this is the year to go for it (again).

These Stories Are All True

The following three stories are unbelievable and did actually happen (sorry for all the animal stories but these are AWESOME):

• In Homer, Alaska, Gary and Terri Lyon looked outside their home and saw a 500-lb Grizzly bear killing a full grown MOOSE in their driveway. Gary had this to say about the grizzly (pun intended) scene: "She tore apart the chest cavity, ripped out the heart and ate it. It was like she knew that's what kept it alive." I hope to all heavens that someday I can witness something as awesome as this. They should have called in Jessica May to put some baby clothes on the moose carcass.
  

• In Lithuania, 3 drunk college students broke into a zoo, scaled a 10-foot fence to get into the giraffe cage and were immediately attacked by the 1.3 ton beast. I have never in my life heard of a giraffe attacking someone and what is it with drunk people breaking into zoos and getting into fights with the animals? I think I would like to see a giraffe fight a moose...or me. I'd be all "Hey floppy neck...whaddaya gonna do about it!"*

• This story is very tragic, but also a very good lesson. On Monday evening a New Britain, Connecticut man was killed while BATTLE DANCING his rival. Robert Stitt attempted a forward flip and landed on his head. He was later pronounced dead. Battle dancing is an informal competition where participants try to outdance each other. In my neighborhood we call these Dance Offs and I challenge my co-workers to them at least 4 times a day. I had no idea they were dangerous. I guess given this realization we should return to our previous method of settling disputes...fire extinguisher fighting. Don't get that crap in your eyes.

*Thanks to B.B. for the tip.

Life Imitates Art

Two years ago John Brandrick of Cornwall, England was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and told he had a year to live. Brandrick decided that you can't take it with you when you go and spent everything he had living up his last year on earth. Unfortunately, it turns out he wasn't dying; he just had an inflamed pancreas. Now Brandrick is asking the hospital that diagnosed him to compensate him for the money he spent on his lavish lifestyle over the past 2 years. If necessary Brandrick will sue, the hospital says that given the evidence, they made the correct diagnosis.

Minus the lawsuit, this is the exact plot of the Queen Latifah movie Last Holiday AND the Tom Hanks favorite, Joe Versus the Volcano.

Since I'm sure nobody but me saw Last Holiday, I will fill you in. Queen Latifah plays a New Orleans store clerk who always plays it safe. When she is told she has only 3 weeks to live, she heads to Europe to blow through her 401k and meet her culinary idol Chef Didier (played by Gérard Depar-don't). Some stuff happens with L.L. Cool J (the guy she's in love with) and some other stuff happens...I don't really remember much about it to tell you the truth. I blacked out because it is a pretty terrible movie. But I know that at the end she doesn't sue the hospital that misdiagnosed her. In fact, the opposite, she thanks them for giving her the courage to live her life.

I am also certain that Joe from Joe Versus the Volcano didn't sue the hospital that provided the misdiagnosis that convinced Joe to agree to be sacrificed to a volcano in exchange for the cash needed to live up his remaining days on earth.

I walked out of both of those movies saying "That would never happen! People in the real world get 2nd opinions before they spend all their money, stop paying their mortgages, and give away all of their possessions". It is nice to be proven wrong every once in awhile. It is also nice to have a reason to talk about Last Holiday.

Second Best Thing to Impeachment

I was going to post an awesome story about Vermont's adoption of a resolution to impeach Team Bush/Cheney. I was going to theorize that when Bush heard the news, he held a press conference where he announced that Vermont was hiding WMD's and that we were going to go to war with them. Then I realized that laughing about those clowns being impeached was hurting my soul because it was a dream that would never be realized. Like when I think about how I'll never be in the Olympics.

So I went in search of something I could write about that would interest you and might be a realistic dream for me. What I came upon was this website where, for the next year or so you can watch a block of British cheddar cheese age, live via the internet. I latched onto this story because A.) Unlike Team Bush/Cheney, this cheese will eventually be eaten alive by the very people who have raised it to its current fame (1 million viewers thus far), and B.) If I can't have TBC booted out of office, I would like to have this cheese named after me. There is a place where you can enter your name suggestion for the famous cheddar. I submitted "LuLu". You should too.

It's Gross News Thursday!

There are all kinds of gross things going on in the world this week and we think you should know about them:

• In Beijing, China, a woman was leaning off her 6th floor balcony to hang clothes on the line when she stumbled and fell. Lucky for the woman, her apartment complex was emptying its septic tank and her fall was cushioned by heaping pile of excrement (about 8 inches deep). Thank God in Beijing they empty their septic tanks onto the sidewalk! (???)

• A dentist in London was convicted of urinating in his surgery sink and using dental tools meant for patients to clean his ears and fingernails. A hearing is scheduled to decide "whether he should banned from practicing" (doesn't the hearing where they decide that he peed in his surgical sink count as the hearing where they decide if he should stay a dentist?). And here I thought the dentists in Tijuana were bad!

• This one really takes the cake because it happened right here in the heart of my favorite state, Maryland! A seven-months-pregnant woman from Pasadena is accused of soliciting sex in exchange for money on the popular e-community, Craigslist. With the help and approval of her husband, the woman agreed to have sex (with an undercover cop) in exchange for $300. Maryland, my Maryland.

And You Thought Sharing the Armrest Was the Worst Part of Flying

I know that a lot of people don't like to fly. If you are one of these people and the idea of waking up next to a corpse would make you more uncomfortable, you might want to stop reading now.

On a British Airways flight from Delhi to London this past week, First Class passenger Paul Trinder awoke to discover that the flight crew had moved the body of woman who had died after take-off, from the economy section, to the seat next to his. In an interview after landing, Trinder told the press "The corpse was strapped into the seat but because of turbulence it kept slipping down on to the floor. It was horrific. The body had to be wedged in place with lots of pillows." British Airways has apologized to Trinder, but says that its flight crew dealt with the difficult situation as best they could given the circumstances.

Now, I'm no flight attendant, but maybe they could have moved Trinder to the deceased woman's seat, refunded the price of his ticket, and allowed the corpse a row to itself for the nine-hour flight to London. Just an idea.

Our hearts go out to the family of the deceased woman and we hope that British Airways will send Paul Trinder a book of drink coupons or something. I imagine he'll need a lot of alcohol before he gets on another plane.

Chivalry Not Dead in Wisconsin

In Oconomowoc, Wisconsin on February, 12th, James Van Iveren thought he heard a woman being raped in the apartment above his. Iveren grabbed his family's heirloom cavalry sword and charged out of the apartment he shares with his mother. After banging on his neighbor's door, Van Iveren kicked the door in and demanded that his neighbor tell him where he was keeping the damsel in distress. It turns out Van Iveren had actually heard screams from a porn movie his neighbor was watching. He has been charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage and disorderly conduct. The combined misdemeanors could carry up to a 33-month jail sentence. When asked to comment, Van Iveren said, "Now I feel stupid. This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake." Police have taken possession of Van Iveren's sword.

Shouldn't he be covered by some sort of Good Samaratin law? You know like, you perform CPR on somebody who has keeled over, they can't sue you for breaking their ribs. Or, you bust in on your neighbor watching porn tapes and force him, at swordpoint, to show you around his apartment to prove that he isn't raping somebody...ok maybe it isn't the same thing, but 33 months in jail seems a tad excessive. If I were the judge I would have him pay retribution in the form of: 1 set of headphones for his upstairs neighbor and perhaps suggest that one of them consider moving in order to avoid an awkward encounter at the mailbox.

This Peanut Butter Tastes Like...Ick

Salmonella contaminated peanut butter has infected about 300 people in 39 states during the last month. While scary, Salmonella doesn't usually kill people so I don't think this recent scare will slow our own consumption, but we feel it is our duty to inform our readers. If your kitchen cabinet currently contains Peter Pan Peanut Butter (or Wal-mart's "Great Value" brand, which I hesitate to even mention because if you have peanut butter from Wal-mart, you probably wouldn't be reading the GTB), throw it out. We don't have enough readers to risk any of you ending up in the hospital without internet for even a few days.

In other news, while researching this little announcement, I stumbled upon an article on this topic that was accompanied by the photo to the right. Perhaps people are getting sick because they are eating peanut butter from 1982.

AstroNUTS: A Tale of Love Lost

I think NASA has the same guy who was in charge of “making sure we don’t lose the moon landing tapes” in charge of “screening the astronaut program for crazy people”.

Navy Capt. Lisa Marie Nowak was arrested on Monday and charged with battery, attempted kidnapping, attempted burglary to a vehicle, and destruction of evidence after she allegedly attacked a woman who was having a relationship with a man that Nowak was interested in. I should mention that Nowak is married with 3 kids and the man in question is not her husband…but he is a fellow astronaut! Nowak claims her relationship with Bill Oefelein was "more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship." That smells like friendship to me, but Nowak saw it differently.

Police alleged that Nowak drove from Houston to Orlando to confront Colleen Shipman, Oefelein’s actual girlfriend, in the parking lot of the Orlando Airport. En route to Orlando, Nowak wore diapers to eliminate pit stops. When she arrived in Orlando, Nowak stalked Shipman (who had arrived by plane) to her car where she shot her in the face with pepper spray. Shipman was able to drive to a toll booth and contact the police who found Nowak disposing of a wig and a BB gun in a parking lot trash can.

What makes this story so OUT OF THIS WORLD (pun intended) is that it has astronauts behaving like Jerry Springer guests and that makes me feel better about myself! If an astronaut can wear diapers to avoid bathroom breaks when she heads out to attack her co-worker’s girlfriend, so can I!

Lady Hits Jackpot, Wins Baby!

I wanted to post about this before somebody asked me "Lulu, was that YOU that gave birth at that Casino?!?" The answer is an emphatic no, but somebody did! At about 9:30 AM this past Saturday, Nyree Thompson went into labor on the Casino floor at the fabulous Resorts Hotel & Casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey. She gave birth to a healthy baby boy that she named Qualeem, about 5 minutes later. Little Qualeem was immediately issued a Resorts Destination Casino Club Card, a coupon for free Valet Parking (valid through February 2007), and $5.00 in buffet comps!

For the record, Scooter and I have stayed at the fabulous Resorts Hotel & Casino. After we checked in, we proceeded upstairs to our room, only to find that there was a man already sleeping in the bed we had just paid for. Given our experience there, I'll vouch that it's a real classy place to have a baby!