Elmo Know Your Name...and he Wants You Dead

A Florida mother got quite the scare this week after she changed the batteries in her son's "Elmo Knows Your Name" doll. The doll, which can be programmed to repeat its young owner's name, had apparently learned a new phrase with its new batteries. He now says "Kill James!" (conveniently the name of the woman's son). The concerned mother contacted the toy's manufacturer, Fisher-Price, and they will provide her with a voucher for a new Elmo (if I were her I would burn that voucher).

Having always been slightly afraid of soulless, homicidal dolls and the inevitable Doll/Human War that will surely lead to the apocalypse, I decided to investigate this "Elmo Knows Your Name" character more thoroughly. Given Elmo's popularity, he is the logical choice for commander of the Immortal Doll Army. Here's what Fisher-Price has to say about soon to be Public Enemy #1:

Elmo knows your name, your family & friend’s names and your birth date! Elmo also knows your favorite foods, color and animal, too!

Long and short...ELMO KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU AND YOU SHOULD BE TERRIFIED. Not only will he kill you, if given the chance he'll kill everyone you love, and he'll probably do it on your birthday.

I for one plan to move into the underground bunker I built beneath my house. As my last act of philanthropy before going into hiding, I will send one of these creepy dolls to Ralph Nader. Maybe it can scare him into understanding that YES everyone wants a third-party option, but NOBODY thinks he's the guy that will make it happen and EVERYBODY is pissed that he thinks this is the year to go for it (again).