Good News for the World, Bad News for Me

I like to drive my car to my next door neighbor's house. I enjoy leaving my 18-wheeler running in my driveway overnight, just to keep the cab nice and toasty. I like to leave a pile of old tires and plastic burning in my back yard for years at a time. These are things that I like to do and as an American, it is my right to do them, but that might not be true for long if the evil Supreme Court has its way.

Today the Supreme Court told the Environmental Protection Agency they do have the authority to regulate greenhouse gas emissions. Previously, the EPA has argued that the reason they don't regulate greenhouse gas emissions is that it isn't in their authority to do so. The Supreme Court didn't tell the EPA they HAD to crack down on emissions, they just told them that their argument for not doing so was total BS.

So very soon all the things that I enjoy doing may come to an end. Perhaps to fill my time I will go get a job at the EPA. It sounds like they do a lot of sitting around, staring out the window, and not protecting the environment. It will give me lots of time to write the next great American novel, or even better, this blog!

Jerry Falwell, Comedian and Climatologist

Jerry Falwell blames global warming on Satan. Well, actually, he blames Satan for using the ruse of global warming to distract Christians from their true mission of evangelism. Speaking to his congregation in Lynchburg, VA, last week, Falwell said that even though some Christian leaders have been "duped" into believing the "science" of global warming, "the jury is still out" on whether humans are causing, or could stop, global warming. He added that the Bible teaches that God will maintain the Earth until Jesus returns, so Christians "should be responsible environmentalists, but not first-class nuts." And since every good speech is rounded out with a good joke, Falwell finished up with this zinger, "'An Inconvenient Truth' should have been titled 'A Convenient Untruth.'"

This is good news. God is taking care of the earth, so we can relax a little bit. I just threw 12 styrofoam containers full of glass and old hypodermic needles out my office window onto an elementary school playground. No worries! Jesus has it under control.

It is a little strange because previously Jerry Falwell has stated that "The whole (global warming) thing is created to destroy America's free enterprise system and our economic stability." So which is it? Is Satan using global warming to distract evangelism or is he using it to make America poor? Or maybe both at once? Maybe the basis of evangelism is to promote America's free enterprise system? That can't be right. Jerry Falwell boggles the mind.

And just for good measure, here are a few more Jerry Falwell gems to brighten your Thursday:

Jerry Falwell on 9/11: "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"

Jerry Falwell on AIDS: “AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals”

Jerry Falwell on Religion: “If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being”

Jerry Falwell on the separation of church and state: “The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country”

The only thing Jerry Falwell has going for him is that he doesn't like Fred Phelps:

"Fred Phelps does not give the religious right a bad name, because nobody claims kin to that guy."