Another Way to Screw Up Your Kid

An article published in the most recent issue of the journal Social Science Quarterly suggests that the popularity of a child's name can be a predictor of tendency towards criminal behavior. Researchers found that the more unpopular a child's name for the time in which the child is growing up, the more likely the child will eventually commit a crime.

According to the journal's publisher, "Adolescents with unpopular names may be more prone to crime because they are treated differently by their peers, making it more difficult for them to form relationships. Juveniles with unpopular names may also act out because they consciously or unconsciously dislike their names."

Finally a reason for why I knocked over that liquor store! Wait...how popular was the name "Lauren" in the late 1970's and early 1980's? Oh...maybe it really was just my love of scratch-offs and whiskey.

Hello Hospital!

All day long we intended (and were excited) to post about Ted Haggard's newest scandal (which is actually an old scandal that just came out...pun intended), but when then we saw this and decided it would brighten your day just a little bit more!

A hospital in Taiwan has overhauled its maternity ward in the theme of Hello Kitty! When asked about the makeover, owner Tsai Tsung-ji said "When new moms feel anxious and lost about how to deal with their new babies, Hello Kitty can make them more relaxed and reduce their sense of discomfort while giving birth".

I think we would prefer an epidural or a nightstick to the back of the neck. Strangely though, this is exactly what we assumed a hospital in Taiwan would look like. On another note, Hello Kitty helping new moms deal with feeling "lost about how to deal with their new babies"...who knew Tom Cruise owns a Hospital in Taiwan!

Sarah Palin is Still For Sale

A professional window dresser from West Hollywood was disappointed when the winning bidder from his eBay auction backed out of the transaction after he discovered that the Sarah Palin mannequin he had been bidding on had been hung in effigy this past Halloween. The winning bidder was a Sarah Palin fan and withdrew his bid of more than $2,200 when he discovered that the seller did not share his fondness for the former Vice Presidential candidate.

For the record we at the GTB do not support effigies in general (we hold the right to flip-flop on this subject if the effigies in question are in the likeness of Bill O'Reilly and/or The Queen of the Harpies Ann Coulter), and really the hanging of this effigy in particular is a side note. What really caught us about this story was the following:

1.) Somebody was going to pay $2,200 for a "Sarah Palin" mannequin? Why?? I ask you bidder, what was the plan? Fly around in a helicopter with it pretend you have the authority to shoot at wolves? Stand it in the room for moral support when you give your daughter a stern talking to about her unwanted teen pregnancy? Did you not see a picture of what you were buying? Which brings me to my next point...

2.) So you can just take a well-proportioned styrofoam body, put it in a fancy brown wig with some flashy glasses and a pretty red coat and call it a Vice Presidential candidate...oh wait, that sounds about right. I was about to call this the worst likeness I have ever seen, but I have seen the light. And finally...

3.) The guy selling this is a PROFESSIONAL WINDOW DRESSER. Take a look at this thing and ask yourself...FOR WHO?!? The Salvation Army? A used wig shop? Chico's? It doesn't say in the article, but I'll keep my eyes peeled the next time I'm walking through the hip shopping area of downtown East Berlin (before the wall came down).

HOT TIPS!

• The GTB has entered the year 2008...become a fan of us on Facebook! It is possible that the 15 non-authors who have already "fanned" us are the only 15 people who read this...but if we missed anybody, make sure you show us the love, Facebook Style. Do so, here (I have no idea if linking to this page will work).
  
  
• A former of employee of the University of Florida's emergency text messaging service may be charged with an as-yet-to-be-determined-crime for sending an emergency text to thousands of University students and faculty that read "The Monkey Got Out of the Cage". The man claims the text was an accident. Before you judge too harshly, who amongst us hasn't sent a text message they regretted the next day? Just ask this girl we know who sent out an upside down photo with the message "Hagby Odo Xfar?" after one too many bottles of screw-top champagne this New Years Eve!
  
  
• Big fat face Rush Limbaugh relayed a story to his listeners the other day about a recent request he received from an "American Publication" to sum up his feelings about the Inauguration in 400 words. Limbaugh ended his diatribe with "I hope he fails. Somebody's gotta say it." Wow Mr. Limbaugh...aren't you lucky people didn't wish failure upon you when you kicked your prescription drug habit?
  
  
• In case you didn't know, the economy is doing stellar. If you don't believe us check out the National Republican Congressional Committee's website. You can't make this stuff up.
  
  

Judge Roy "I'm a D-Bag" Pearson Earns Additional Title of "Herpes of the Legal System"

The Universe must be pretty jazzed about the return of the GTB because today it spoon-fed me an update on our favorite hijacker of the DC Courts, Judge Roy L. Pearson, Jr.

In case you forgot, Roy Pearson is the guy who has been suing his dry cleaners for $54 million in damages after they lost his pants (he claims) whereby not living up to their promise of "satisfaction guaranteed". The lawsuit has never really gone anywhere, but the legal fees did crush Jin Nam Chung and Soo Chung, the owners of Custom Cleaners, causing them to close their business last year.

Since we are sure you missed Judge D-Bag as much, if not more than you missed us, here's an update on what he has been doing since we last wrote about him...in October 2007 (yeah, it has really been going on that long. In fact, he first filed suit in 2005).

You probably remember that Pearson lost his original suit and appealed it to the DC Court of Appeals. A three-judge panel denied his appeal on the grounds that his argument "defied logic" (I couldn't make this up!). Pearson has now filed another appeal demanding that the full, nine-judge panel hear and respond to his argument.

How did this guy even make it through law school? Isn't there some sort of "Are you Batshit Crazy?" section on the Bar exam? I think I would feel better if Gary Busey threatened to pull out my Endocrine System than I do about Roy L. Pearson actually being a judge. We challenge you, our readers, to come up with a job that you would feel comfortable with Roy L. Pearson having. Preferably one that doesn't require him to wear suit pants since it seems that's how this whole thing started.

A New Day!

Today is the day, the day so many of us have waited for. Listening to Obama's Inaugural Address today we took note of this piece in particular:

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends - hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism - these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility - a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

He is right. The time has come for all of us to do our part. As such, we would like to announce the triumphant return of The Good Times Blog.

We don't have the audacity to assume that the GTB does anything really amazing, aside from occasionally providing secondhand news, celebrity gossip, political commentary, and sometimes a good hearty chuckle for its readers. You can rest assured that this newfound dedication to investigatory journalism is only a small part of the plan we are currently implementing to pull our own weight to better this new America. We also can't promise that the updates will happen daily, but we will do our best to keep the heartwarming Good Times coming.

Today is a new day for America and for the Good Times Blog. We challenge you to also look at your priorities and ask yourself where you can take up the challenge of our new President to come together and get America back on track. Our readers (you) are nothing if not fantastically intelligent and resourceful...we are excited to see what you will do!