HOT TIPS!

• The GTB has entered the year 2008...become a fan of us on Facebook! It is possible that the 15 non-authors who have already "fanned" us are the only 15 people who read this...but if we missed anybody, make sure you show us the love, Facebook Style. Do so, here (I have no idea if linking to this page will work).
  
  
• A former of employee of the University of Florida's emergency text messaging service may be charged with an as-yet-to-be-determined-crime for sending an emergency text to thousands of University students and faculty that read "The Monkey Got Out of the Cage". The man claims the text was an accident. Before you judge too harshly, who amongst us hasn't sent a text message they regretted the next day? Just ask this girl we know who sent out an upside down photo with the message "Hagby Odo Xfar?" after one too many bottles of screw-top champagne this New Years Eve!
  
  
• Big fat face Rush Limbaugh relayed a story to his listeners the other day about a recent request he received from an "American Publication" to sum up his feelings about the Inauguration in 400 words. Limbaugh ended his diatribe with "I hope he fails. Somebody's gotta say it." Wow Mr. Limbaugh...aren't you lucky people didn't wish failure upon you when you kicked your prescription drug habit?
  
  
• In case you didn't know, the economy is doing stellar. If you don't believe us check out the National Republican Congressional Committee's website. You can't make this stuff up.
  
  

Fool Me Once...Shame on You...Fool Me Eight Times...uh...You Can't Get Fooled Again

Everybody's favorite Toe-Tappin' Senator, Larry Craig, remains under the hot lights about his alleged affairs or attempts at affairs with men who are not his wife. Craig's hometown paper now claims to have accounts from 8 men stating that they either had sex with Craig or were propositioned for sex by Craig.

First off, I can't believe we are still talking about this. Larry Craig should have pulled a Ted Haggard, headed to Gay Rehab, and then had a church board declare him heterosexual (or cured). Instead, he keeps denying it which angers the people who he did it with, which makes them come forward because even men who get paid for sex have enough dignity to hate being called liars. Let's be honest folks, could there possibly be 8 men in this world who hate Larry Craig enough to lie about having sex with him? If they didn't have sex with him, they are only punishing themselves by claiming that they did.

When will the Larry Craigs of the world learn that if you are going to are going to have an affair that will ruin your career, have it with somebody who has as much to lose as you do. For instance Larry Craig and Ted Haggard could have had a rather lovely romance, but no...instead they both called the same male prostitute who in turn ratted them both out. These are the people we have running our nation? Where is their sense of patriotism? If you are going to be in government, you either have to be able to tell the truth and deal with the consequences (HA!) or able to successfully execute a cover-up...Larry Craig can do neither and that alone is reason enough to kick him back to Idaho.

A Republican Rides the Stallion!

Another one bites the dust!

Have you heard the story about the anti-gay right winger who ended up being a flaming homo?

No, not Larry Craig.

No, not Ted Haggard.

No, not Mark Foley.

No, not Bob Allen.

There's a new one. Washington State Representative Richard Curtis has found himself in the center of a gay sex/extortion "problem".

The SeattleTimes reports: But from the start of Curtis' trouble — when he awoke in Spokane's fanciest hotel after a night of sex with a man known in some circles as "Stallion" who said he had left with Curtis' wallet and explicit photos of the legislator — he was hoping to control the damage to his reputation and his marriage. Curtis didn't call the Spokane cops. Instead, he called a friend in the Washington State Patrol on the other side of the mountains because, a police report says, he worried "the local police would talk and it would get out to the press."

(for those not familiar with "stallion" that's him up top, on the right!!! HOTTIE!)

This newest anti-gay gay just makes the following cartoon all the more funny....and true (click on picture to enlarge).

credit for the cartoon goes to salon.com
By the way, it's entirely possible I missed an anti-gay gay, feel free to add.

The Bush Administration Cares About Your Health

Saying that the Bush Administration hates science is like saying, Lindsay Lohan is a drinker or Alberto Gonzales is a liar (well, either a liar or just never reads anything that comes across his desk...even the memos labeled "Huge Violations of Individual American's Civil Liberties as Executed by the FBI Under the Patriot Act"), but this story made me chuckle...then cry.

Dr. Richard Carmona, the Nation's most recent Surgeon General, testified today before the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform. The story he told of his tenure as "America's Doctor" painted a picture of an Administration that actively strives to put politics before the health of the nation.

Carmona reported that he was "discouraged" from making a speech at the Special Olympics because of the organization's longtime ties to the Kennedy Family. He said that he was "specifically told by a senior person, ‘Why would you want to help those people?’” (the Kennedy family or the Special Olympics Athletes?)

Carmona was also silenced when he raised the suggestion that he could take on the task of educating the public about the use of stem cells in scientific research. He was told that he should "stand down" on the issue and upon review, Bush advisors removed all references to stem cell research from his prepared speeches.

Carmona also noted that while he is a firm believer in comprehensive sex education, he was told to "preach abstinence".

To wrap it up, Carmona summarized:

"The reality is that the 'nation's doctor' has been marginalized and relegated to a position with no independent budget and with supervisors who are political appointees with partisan agendas. Anything that doesn't fit into the political appointees' ideological, theological or political agenda is ignored, marginalized or simply buried. The problem with this approach is that in public health, as in a democracy, there is nothing worse than ignoring science or marginalizing the voice of science for reasons driven by changing political winds. The job of surgeon general is to be the doctor of the nation — not the doctor of a political party."

Dr. Richard Carmona was appointed by President Bush in 2002 and served until 2006.

'Jericho' Has Better Fan Base than Scooter Libby

Fans of the CBS apocalyptic drama 'Jericho' have proven once again that Americans care more about TV than their government.

Our favorite fall guy Scooter Libby was sentenced this week to 30 months in prison for perjury and obstructing justice in a grand jury investigation, taking the brunt of the blame for the Bush Administration’s terrible plan to seek revenge on Joe Wilson (who you may remember from such government reports as “Iraq NOT Seeking to Obtain Yellowcake Uranium from Niger”) by outing his wife Valerie Plame as a CIA Operative.

In a parallel story, 'Jericho' was cancelled by CBS, taking the fall for the network's terrible decision to take great shows and stick months and months of re-runs in the middle of their seasons.

Before the judge handed down sentencing in the Libby case, 150 letters of support were entered into record on Scooter’s behalf. In the meantime, 114,107 people signed an online petition to keep ‘Jericho’ on the air. They then bombarded the CBS offices with thousands of phone calls, letters, and e-mails and sent the studio 50,000 lbs. of peanuts (in reference to some line from the show…don’t know, I don’t watch it. I only read the article because my mom LOVES it). ‘Jericho’ is coming back mid-season next year and the peanuts will be donated to charity. Scooter's fans seemed to only make the judge angry, he will not be returning mid-season or any season coming up anytime soon.

It is sort of sad to see Scooter head off to the slammer. While I think he made some bad decisions, I don’t think he is a terrible guy. I think that this comment from a letter submitted to the court AGAINST Mr. Libby says it all “Due to the crimes for which he was convicted, we may never know of the more substantial criminal activities for which he served as a firewall.”

And since we are here, this is the best quote I’ve read from the “We Puffy Heart Scooter” letters “Sadly I believe that Mr. Libby's premature departure from the Administration has been a major reason for the downward spiral of the situation in Iraq and the consuming mess in which we find ourselves today regarding that country” - Robert D. Blackwill, White House Aide. So THAT’S what went wrong in Iraq! My bad.

*Interesting side note, Dick Cheney did NOT send a letter of support for his good pal Scooter Libby. I guess it is 30 months where Cheney can sleep a little easier knowing that Scooter will be too busy "not getting shived" to call up Nancy Pelosi/Congress/the FBI and start chattin'!

Who's Been Visitin' The Big Bad Wolf?

A 2006 letter that the Vice President's attorney sent to the U.S. Secret Service surfaced last week. Turns out that Mr. Cheney informed the Secret Service that he and he alone would have "exclusive control" of the log books that track who has visited the him or his staff at either the White House or the Vice Presidential compound. Why would the Vice President be so concerned about everybody knowing who has been swingin' by to chat with him? Well, his attorneys say that the declaration of "exclusive control" serves to "protect the effective functioning of the vice presidency under the Constitution. [Releasing the visitor logs would] impinge on the ability of the OVP to gather information in confidence."

Well and here I was thinking that Dick Cheney didn't care about the rights afforded under the constitution! Silly me. Makes you wonder who's been stoppin' by Dick's place! Leave your guesses in the comments section. Best guess wins a prize!*

*There is no prize. Sorry.

And Another Set of Gay Parents!

Congratulations to Mary Cheney and Heather Poe on the arrival of their son Samuel David! What a strong and biblical name! The 8 lb. 6 oz. baby boy was welcomed into the world at Sibley Hospital on Wednesday. I hope they got a better room than my sister did when she gave birth there.

Debate is No Place for Disagreement!

Did you happen to check out the most recent republican presidential debate? If you did, standing amidst the usual sorts (McCain, Romney, blah, blah, blah) you might have noticed a man named Ron Paul, and thought to yourself, "who in the world is that?"

Well Ron Paul is the RNC's biggest nightmare right now, that's who he is. He's a nightmare because he doesn't tow the line of republican talking points. Explaining the origin of terrorist against the U.S he attempted to give a rational explanation:

"They attack us because we've been over there. We've been bombing Iraq for 10 years. We've been in the Middle East. I think Reagan was right. We don't understand the irrationality of Middle Eastern politics. Right now, we're building an embassy in Iraq that is bigger than the Vatican. We're building 14 permanent bases. What would we say here if China was doing this in our country or in the Gulf of Mexico? We would be objecting....I believe the CIA is correct when it warns us about blowback. We overthrew the Iranian government in 1953 and their taking the hostages was the reaction. This dynamic persists and we ignore it at our risk. They’re not attacking us because we’re rich and free, they’re attacking us because we’re over there."

HOW DARE HE? Doesn't he know that Islamo-Fascists hate us because of our FREEDOM! (Ignore the fact that Bin Laden himself has said that attacks on the U.S are because of

1. American involvement in the Middle East
2. Palestine
3. Sanctions on Iraq
   

Well worry no more, the GOP party is now in full swing doing what it does best, silencing dissent by attempting to bar Ron Paul from future debates. This campaign is being spearheaded by Saul Anuzis, chairman of the Michigan Republican Party. He plans on circulating a petition among Republican National Committee members, debate sponsors and broadcasters to give Paul the boot!

I love it! Barring someone from a DEBATE because they said things you don't agree with! Isn't that the whole point of a debate? Classic.

Wolfie Still Has Cheney's Support

When asked this weekend if he thought Paul "Wolfie" Wolfowitz (who you may remember from such disasters as "The War in Iraq") should remain head of the World Bank, even amidst accusations of scandal and corruption, Vice President Dick Cheney said "I think Paul is one of the most able public servants I've ever known, and I've worked with him a lot over the years. I think he's a very good president of the World Bank."

What does it do to your credibility these days when Dick "The war is going great and Saddam had WMD's" Cheney vouches for you? Do you get immediately fired or is it more of a tar and feather kind of thing? Or worse, is the World Bank the one place where Dick Cheney still has credibility?

Poor Wolfie would be better off getting a recommendation from David Hasselhoff or Alberto Gonzales...or maybe Satan. Maybe he could have Alec Baldwin make a call on his behalf too! It reminds me of the time that Mike Tyson endorsed Michael Steele for the U.S. Senate (and said he wanted to fight women for "charity").

Perhaps THIS Will Change Your Mind!

President Bush was undeterred when the Bi-partisan Iraq Study Group* told him: "The United States should not make an open-ended commitment to keep large numbers of American troops deployed in Iraq". He didn't sway when a study sponsored by MIT listed the number of casualties as a result of the U.S. invasion of Iraq at 655,000. He didn't even change his tune when a multi-agency National Intelligence Estimate declared that the war in Iraq has made the U.S. less safe and "has made the overall terrorism problem worse”, but now the President is coming around saying today that he will come to a compromise with Congress on funding the Iraq war and that compromise will include benchmarks.

Why the shift towards compromise? This reporter** thinks it might have something to do with the fact that in a meeting this week, Bush was informed that the GOP believes the war is hurting the Republican party and that he won't be able to count on their support for much longer.

Hundreds of thousands of people dead, a world that is less safe than it was 4 years ago, the Iraqi parliament asking for a timetable for withdrawal, hundreds of billions of dollars spent, but GOD FORBID THIS WAR HURTS THE REPUBLICAN PARTY! Sheesh!

* If you haven't read the Iraq Study Group Report, you should. It is a VERY interesting read.
** I am not a reporter.

Gonzales is Delusional

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales vowed today to remain in office "as long as [he] can continue to serve effectively."

I'm not really sure how the Attorney General can serve effectively if everybody thinks he is a liar-liar-pants-on-fire. The sad thing is, he didn't even have to be shady about the whole attorney firings mess. It really looks like he didn't do anything wrong (at least initially). He could have been like "Hell yeah I fired those SOB's for political reasons! What are YOU going to do about it CONGRESS??!" The answer would have been "Nothing, we never DO anything. Please collect your complimentary fruit basket on your way out." It is only a matter of time before the Alberto Gonzales Cocktail Party jokes start to surface. Too bad. I liked him when he first started...well, except for that whole "supporting torture" thing.

Scooter and Lulu On Deck to Serve at the Pleasure of the President

White House spokesman Tony Snow announced today that he will be off the job for a few weeks while he has a growth removed from his abdomen. Snow battled colon cancer in 2005, but his doctors do not believe this growth is a reoccurrence. Nonetheless, they are taking extra precautions and treating the development aggressively.

We wish Tony Snow the very best as he recovers from surgery. To lighten his load a bit, Scooter and Lulu would like to offer to fill in for him as White House spokesman while he recuperates. Given our extensive background in investigatory journalism, our insatiable desire for truth, and our undying admiration of America's free press, we think we would be just the team to take on this enormous responsibility. Since none of the qualities we just mentioned really matter in the job of White House spokesperson, we are also willing to learn a few card tricks, breakdancing moves, or whatever is needed to distract the kiddies until somebody who actually knows how to doublespeak can step in.

Dubya, you've got our number if you are interested in our offer (or you could just break in on the line since I'm sure our phones are tapped) and Tony, feel better soon. We'll miss you while you are away!

John McCain on Condoms: Uh, Well, Ur, Um....

John McCain doesn't know if condoms stop sexually transmitted disease. In fact he doesn't seem to know much of anything on this issue, or related ones.

Don't believe me. Check this puppy out. Seriously, go read it, it doesn't do justice to just read some snippets. You absolutely must read the whole story. It's ok. I'll wait.

For those of you who are too lazy to read the whole thing, here's the gist of it. While cruising on the Straight Talk Express (Yes, it's back in full force) McCain was asked if he believed condoms stop sexually transmitted diseases. His response? Pause, stumbling, grasping for words, followed by a "I've never gotten into these issues or thought much about them." He then asked an aide for a piece written by Senator Tom Coburn on this issue, so he could consult it for guidance only to find out that "we've lost it."

Seriously? Really? You don't know if condoms prevent STD's? I mean I'll give you some credit that condoms don't prevent all STD's (i.e. HPV) but I really am baffled as to why John McCain could not give a straight forward answer on this. Does he really not know? Or was he worried that saying that condoms do prevent STD's would anger religious conservatives who promote abstinence only policies?

Of course this story opens up to the broader story. That story being, "What the hell happened to John McCain?"

Remember in 2000 when McCain separated himself from the right-wing declaring individuals such as Jerry Falwell "Agent of Intolerance" only to declare last year (on Meet the Press):

RUSSERT: Do you believe that Jerry Falwell is still an agent of intolerance?

MCCAIN: No, I don’t. I think that Jerry Falwell can explain to you his views on this program when you have him on.

Wow. Any thoughts on this one?

Face Like a Hippo

Nope. Too easy. I'm not even going to touch it.

But you can in the comments section!

Not sure what we're talking about? Read the story in question, here.

Ann Coulter Under Investigation for Super Boring Reason

Ann Coulter might be going to jail. It turns out that she may have knowingly voted in the wrong precinct during a February 7^th, Palm Beach Town Council election (yes, it is an election nobody cares about). That’s a felony. Unfortunately, this probably won’t pan out and I’ll admit it is kind of a witch hunt, but…if it wears pointy shoes and bakes little children in pies*, you should probably throw it in the river to see if it can swim.

Ann “Man Mitts” Coulter would make a pretty fantastic prison girlfriend for one (or more) lucky lady(s). Maybe if she found prison love she wouldn't be so furious and awful all the time. If you too would like to meet a very special incarcerated someone, click here.

*"bakes little children in pies” is of course Latin for “isn’t a very kind person.”

Here's a Winner...

I'm not gonna beat a dead horse. I'm days behind on this one and most of you already know the story...but have you read the Instant Messages? Beware, that link is sorta NSFW. The interesting news is that he checked himself into rehab for alcoholism today. I know lots of guys who do stupid things when they are drunk (like I have one friend who thinks he knows Kung Fu...he doesn't), but I haven't met anyone who gets drunk and suddenly decides to send sexually explicit instant messages/e-mails to underaged boys. In the words of my Kung Fu loving friend "Everybody has their vice." Too bad for Mark Foley that his vice is a few years shy of legal. To Mark Foley...and his truly Tara-ble idea.

Where was Adam when Ann Strangled a Puppy?

Perhaps it was in response to Ann Coulter's recent assertion that Bill Clinton is all to blame for the North Korea Missile Firings (disclaimer: I'm not asserting that previous administrations are faultless for current problems, but more the emphasis that it CLEARLY has nothing to do with the inaction of the current administration for the past 6 years). Maybe it was because Anne "jokingly" suggested "We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice Stevens' Creme brulee". Or possibly it was because of her February 23, 2006 speech at Indiana University where she stated, ""Liberals hate God and hate America". It is very likely it was in response to Ann's reference to 4 9/11 widow's as Harpies that are "reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by grief-arazzis."

Regardless of why, Adam Carolla has finally answered the question, "What do you do if Ann Coulter comes knockin on your door (or calling on the phone)? Hang up on the Bitch.

Of course, I think none of the reasons/quotes above (all obtained from wikipedia) explain why Adam has beef with Ann Coulter. There is not one doubt in my mind that it's because Ann Coulter murdered a puppy on live television. She really did, i read it online. Check it out for yourself *********

(Looks like the Man upstairs is also done with Ann^^^^^)

******* The authencity and accuracy of the Bigfib.com website cannot at this time be verified. Although Scooter stands 100% behind all other statements made in this posting I have not witnessed said strangulation and must therefore warn fans of the goodtimes blog to use caution before believing everything they read. All of that said, Ann Coulter killed that puppy because he hated God & America.

^^^^^ Actual existence of billboard awaiting goodtimes verification.