Man Plans Poorly

A 30 year old Colorado man was arrested on charges of unlawful sexual contact and criminal invasion of privacy after he was found hiding in the porta-potty of a yoga festival. When we say IN the porta-potty, we mean IN it. As in he was covered in a tarp, hiding in the basin underneath the toilet with the hopes of catching a glimpse of some yogi lady parts. The man was originally questioned for panhandling when a witness identified him as the person she had seen inside her toilet earlier in the day. The fact that he was covered in human excrement also helped to alert the police to his identity.

In addition to arresting him, officers informed him about an invention called the internet, which for many years now has made this sort of herculean effort to see a stranger naked virtually obsolete.

GTB Ends US Dependence on Foreign Oil with Single Brilliant Idea

Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Arizona is a genius. He had the idea to force inmates in the Tent City Jail in Phoenix to pedal exercise bikes in order to generate the electricity needed to power their televisions. Every minute they pedal generates enough electricity for them to watch one minute of TV. The inmates get both the benefits of exercise and the benefits of TV.

The simple brilliance of this idea got us thinking. There are about 2.3 Million people currently incarcerated (2008, Bureau of Justice Statistics) in the US. They are in prison for 24 hours a day. Let's (generously) knock off 8 of those for sleep, 3 for things that keep people alive (eating, bathroom breaks, etc.) and 30 minutes for things that keep people alive in prison (shiv-making, contraband trading, guard bribing, gang chapter meetings, etc.). That leaves us with 12.5 hours or 750 minutes of wasted time, per prisoner, per day.

I know this is a lot of math, but stay with me. When I put all these numbers into Excel, it tells me that we could dole out approximately 5 minutes of electricity to every American, EVERY DAY if those lazy, crime-committing criminals would pay their debt to society by pedaling aimlessly for hours upon hours daily (we can more than double this if we make people on parole and probation contribute part of their day to this patriotic cause).

That is 5 free minutes for each and every (law-abiding US) citizen to watch TV, mess around with their DVR, make a pot of coffee, or charge their electric car! The other benefit is that it would keep the prisoners out of trouble. There would be very little time for stealing apples from the dining hall to make liquor or stabbing one's cellmate if you are busy "Powering Freedom".

Prisoners can’t even vote. This idea is unstoppable.

A New Low for the Drunk

Sometimes people drink. Sometimes people drink too much. Sometimes people drink too much...and get arrested for public intoxication because they have been caught on the side of the road attempting to resuscitate a long-dead opossum.

That is the story of Donald Wolfe, 55, of Pennsylvania (somewhere North of Pittsburgh). Troopers pulled over after seeing a man performing what appeared to be a "seance" over the carcass of a dead opossum on the shoulder of a Pennsylvania highway. As they approached, Wolfe began performing CPR on the animal. Wolfe was unable to resuscitate the roadkill and was arrested...and presumably tested for rabies.

That's McG-ruffed Up

Since most of the GTB's readership are DC natives or at the very least, long-term imports, we thought you would enjoy the story of Metro bus driver Shawn Brim and his very bad idea.

On Saturday, while driving his bus downtown, Brim came upon McGruff the Crime Dog handing out fliers about crime prevention to children on the street. Brim stopped, walked off the bus, adjusted his side view mirrors...and punched McGruff in the face, terrifying the group of children who had stopped to meet the famous anti-crime advocate and learn how they could take a bite out of crime (and deal with bullies).

Brim then got back on his bus and drove away. He later told his supervisor that he had chosen to beat up McGruff simply because he thought it would be funny. Brim is undergoing drug and alcohol testing, and his continued employment with Metro is...to be determined.

Let's tell the truth, who amongst us hasn't thought about punching McGruff the Crime Dog? With his trenchcoat and his life lessons, he is utterly punchable, but that's where the fantasy has to end. You don't actually do it and if you are going to do it, wait until you get off work. Not a sermon, just a thought.

Of All the Things You Could Smuggle from Dubai

An Australian man, returning from a trip to Dubai, was arrested for smuggling 2 pigeon eggs, 2 live pigeons, and an undeclared eggplant through customs. The man was detained after officials found the eggs in a vitamin container. The subsequent search yielded the 2 live pigeons, wrapped in padded envelopes and shoved inside the mans pants. No word on where they found the eggplant.

Why bother with pigeons when you could leave Dubai with pants full of crude oil? I'm also not sure why he bothered with the padded envelopes. Looks like the pigeons could have been quite cozy in that mangrove he is masquerading as leg hair.

HOT TIPS!

• The GTB has entered the year 2008...become a fan of us on Facebook! It is possible that the 15 non-authors who have already "fanned" us are the only 15 people who read this...but if we missed anybody, make sure you show us the love, Facebook Style. Do so, here (I have no idea if linking to this page will work).
  
  
• A former of employee of the University of Florida's emergency text messaging service may be charged with an as-yet-to-be-determined-crime for sending an emergency text to thousands of University students and faculty that read "The Monkey Got Out of the Cage". The man claims the text was an accident. Before you judge too harshly, who amongst us hasn't sent a text message they regretted the next day? Just ask this girl we know who sent out an upside down photo with the message "Hagby Odo Xfar?" after one too many bottles of screw-top champagne this New Years Eve!
  
  
• Big fat face Rush Limbaugh relayed a story to his listeners the other day about a recent request he received from an "American Publication" to sum up his feelings about the Inauguration in 400 words. Limbaugh ended his diatribe with "I hope he fails. Somebody's gotta say it." Wow Mr. Limbaugh...aren't you lucky people didn't wish failure upon you when you kicked your prescription drug habit?
  
  
• In case you didn't know, the economy is doing stellar. If you don't believe us check out the National Republican Congressional Committee's website. You can't make this stuff up.
  
  

Hey! Spain Has One Too!

So in America we might be stuck with the judge who sued the dry cleaners and forced them out of business for allegedly losing his pants, but at least we aren't Spain! In Spain, they have a motorist who is suing the family of the 17-year old bicyclist he killed in hopes of seeking repayment for damage the crash caused to his Audi A8.

While the man, Tomas Delgado, hasn't been charged with a crime, his insurance company did pay the boy's family 33,000 euros after acknowledging that Delgado's "excessive" speed may have contributed to the accident.

When asked why he was suing the family for the equivalent of $29,300 Delgado told a reporter, "I'm also a victim in all of this, you can't fix the lad's problems, but you can fix mine."

Aren't You Overreacting, Just a Tad?

A Russian man accidentally blew himself up with a hand grenade after train conductors asked to see his ticket. The conductors thought the man, who appeared intoxicated, had a grenade and asked him to show his paperwork or get off the train at the next stop. The man showed the conductors the grenade and demanded that the train go to the city of Vladivostok instead of its planned destination of the city of Chelyabinsk. At this point, the other train passengers were evacuated. Negotiations with the man were going well until the man tried to replace the pin that he had removed from the grenade. The grenade (not shockingly) detonated, killing the man but injuring no one else.

He blew himself up because the conductor asked to see his train ticket and he believed he could hijack a train with a single grenade. Is there a website that stupid people and people who are prone to overreaction can go to purchase things to blow themselves up? How do idiots manage to so easily get their hands on explosives when intelligent people like myself can't get our hands on explosives to say...blow up some ground bees that have invaded our back yard? They say everybody is good at something, apparently the less bright are better at procuring weapons.

Iranian Presidents In New York, Ninjas Robbing Gas Stations in Pennsylvania, What is This Country Coming to?

I was going to write an awesome post about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and how he is crazy like a fox. My post was going to be based on this "just the tip of the crazy iceberg" quote from his speech at Columbia University yesterday: "In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country. In Iran we do not have this phenomenon. I do not know who has told you we have it."

Then I realized that the GTB is dedicated to investigatory journalism and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad being crazy is not a hardhitting news report. In fact, it isn't news at all and you and I both know that stories that aren't news, aren't what you come here for.

So I went in search of a story that IS news. That IS crazy. That is exactly the type of story that will shock and inspire our readers. That's when I stumbled upon this story about the gas station in Richland Township, PA that was robbed early Sunday morning by women dressed as ninjas brandishing a samurai sword and a dagger. The bandits made off with lotto tickets and a bag of cigarettes (classy!). The suspects are still at large.

I also suggest you check out this site that tells you how you too can become a ninja. Hopefully not the kind that robs gas stations for smokes and lotto tickets you can never cash in.

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

Karl Rove has resigned. Far be it from me to pass judgment, we'll let history take care of that dirty work.

Post your favorite Rovements in the comments section!

And as if today could get any more awesome...in Estonia, a blind man was caught drunk driving for the SECOND TIME today. The man had 3 passengers in his car giving him direction at the time of his arrest. God Bless Estonia, wherever it may be.*

*Thanks to Dave for the tip!

You've Got Poop!

A man in Minnesota (former home of Brenda and Brandon Walsh) is in trouble for doing what every one of us has thought about doing. He put dog feces in the envelope when he went to mail in his paid parking ticket. The woman who opened the poop letter was hospitalized with a headache and vomiting. The man has been charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct and is set to appear in court on June 15th.

I really didn't know this was illegal. Unpleasant, sure, but illegal? Definitely didn't think so. I guess I should have checked the law before I sent that cat poo in with my taxes. Whoopsie!

Never Underestimate the Power of a Strongly Worded Letter

The FBI needs our help (and no, it isn't with designing a better graphic than the one on the left that I obtained off of their website). Somebody has sent dozens of threatening letters to national TV networks (and their local affiliates) that broadcast college sports games. Their grievance is a bit unclear. They seem to be upset over the "exploitation" of college cheerleaders and are also upset that more modestly dressed cheerleaders get more TV air time. Some of the letters have contained a potentially harmful insecticide! Here's an excerpt:

"We are fed up with networks exploiting women in sports coverage. ABC/ESPN exploit collegiate and professional cheer squads in their coverage of football and basketball. They also screw WNBA players and WTA Tennis players. Compare coverage of cheer and dance squads based on their outfits they wear. Compare quality of shots, length of shots and number of shots Pigs park their cameras on us close up, front view, dozens of times each game, yet rarely ever show on TV in this manner, unless squads are wearing sweaters, jackets, under shirts, etc... Watch how they always zoom in on WNBA players shooting free throws then leave at the last second as she starts to shoot, disrupting the flow. Watch on ESPN how they will show women serve, close up, from every angle (side, back) EXCEPT when they zoom in close front, they will leave as she starts to serve, disrupting the flow. We have asked nicely for them to respect us and all women, yet they refuse. They exploit innocent people, so we will too. When they start respecting us, we stop mailing these out." (that last bit is my favorite..."If you don't do as we say, we will keep sending you letters at a cost of $.40 each!" No! Not more strongly worded letters full of potentially harmful insecticide! Anything but that!!)

And another excerpt, just for fun:

"For the past 6-7 years, ESPN and its nationwide networks have exploited cheer/dance teams all across the country. They do this by parking their TV cameras on these women for their own personal entertainment, but only give TV time to squads that wear long sleeved shirts, jackets, sweaters, etc. The squads that don't wear these types of outfits? They get EXPLOITED. For a long time we have warned ESPN the networks and several schools what would happen if this did not change. For the last 6 years, Ohio State cheerleaders have received more TV time than any other Division 1A cheer squad on ESPN, because they wear long sleeved red/white outfits. If they wore sleeveless outfits, they would not get ANY TV time. So, we are fed up with this constant exploitation."

Can anybody tell me what this person is upset about? If I were an FBI profiler (which I'm not), I would guess that this is a scantily clad cheerleader who is sick of hammin' it up for the camera only to have her footage left on the cutting room floor in favor of footage of her more modest counterparts.

Maybe she should spend less time writing letters and more time sewing sleeves onto her cheerleading uniform. I can see a well lit, pink chiffon covered lair where she hammers out letter after letter to ABC before carefully filling them with just a little DDT while she thinks to herself "Bwahahaha! This will give you all cancer in 20 years! That will teach you!"

The FBI is offering a $5,000 reward for the capture of this criminal mastermind. Your tax dollars at work!

Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest

I don't have time to make Tarable Idea Certificates for all of these so here's a run down on all things stupid:

• Congratulations Deana F. Jarrett, 54, of Redmond, Washington, you are the drunkest driver in the history of the State*! After 2 consecutive car accidents, Jarrett was pulled over by police who administered a breathalyzer test, revealing that her blood alcohol was .47, almost 6 times the legal limit (.08 in WA)! A check of the 356,000 tests on file with the Washington State Police showed that Deana F. Jarrett is in fact the drunkest driver on record! Congratulations Deana, I hope this award helps you woo a pretty girlfriend in prison!
  

• Paul White, 38, and Ryan Ogle, 25 of Pomona, California accidentally called the police while trying to send an urgent "911" code to their drug dealer. Police traced the call and dispatched an officer to investigate. When the officer arrived he found White and Ogle waiting patiently for their dealer...with a stolen car full of burglary tools. Genius. (p.s. I really can't believe this has happened twice.)

• At a campaign event in Summerville, S.C., Republican Presidential hopeful John McCain (who I used to like) answered a question about when the U.S. is going to send an "airmail message to Tehran" with a musical parody! McCain cleverly changed the words of the classic Beach Boys tune "Barbara Ann" to "Bomb Iran" and was greeted with laughter and cheers from the audience. More proof for my theory that America hasn't learned anything in the last 6 years and we are totally going to war with Iran. Sigh.

*Records only available since 1998.

It's Gross News Thursday!

There are all kinds of gross things going on in the world this week and we think you should know about them:

• In Beijing, China, a woman was leaning off her 6th floor balcony to hang clothes on the line when she stumbled and fell. Lucky for the woman, her apartment complex was emptying its septic tank and her fall was cushioned by heaping pile of excrement (about 8 inches deep). Thank God in Beijing they empty their septic tanks onto the sidewalk! (???)

• A dentist in London was convicted of urinating in his surgery sink and using dental tools meant for patients to clean his ears and fingernails. A hearing is scheduled to decide "whether he should banned from practicing" (doesn't the hearing where they decide that he peed in his surgical sink count as the hearing where they decide if he should stay a dentist?). And here I thought the dentists in Tijuana were bad!

• This one really takes the cake because it happened right here in the heart of my favorite state, Maryland! A seven-months-pregnant woman from Pasadena is accused of soliciting sex in exchange for money on the popular e-community, Craigslist. With the help and approval of her husband, the woman agreed to have sex (with an undercover cop) in exchange for $300. Maryland, my Maryland.

Is That a Crocodile In your Pocket or are you Just Happy to See Me?

I imagine things are always at least a little bit exciting at the Gaza-Egypt border crossing, but I can't think of much that would top the hoopla of last week when a woman attempted to smuggle 3 live crocodiles into Gaza. The act of smuggling crocodiles into a country that pays big money for them isn't really that interesting. The fun part is the method of transport. The woman had strapped the crocodiles (each about 20 inches long) around her body. Lucky for all involved, she had had the forethought to tie their jaws shut before roping them around her midsection. The woman was busted when guards noticed that she looked "strangely fat". Yeah, packing on a couple of extra crocodile's will do that to a person.

Had she made it, the crocs would have fetched the woman about $500 a piece. That's about 6 month's salary. The woman is not the first to attempt at exotic animal smuggling at this checkpoint. In another incident, guards found a monkey strapped to a woman's chest.

I was going to give this woman the Tarable Idea Award until somebody pointed out the sheer brilliance of the plan. If you are willing to strap live crocodiles to your body, it isn't a hard way to make $1,500 cash. I'm thinking about a new career.

* Thanks to Dave and Kumquat for the tip.

** Before any of you nerds have a chance to e-mail me, yeah, I know that picture is of an American Crocodile and most likely NOT a good example of what she was packing, but if the Bush Administration can change scientific reports to inject doubt about the role man-made emissions play in global warming, I too can disregard accuracy in reporting.

Unicorns Can't Drive

Phillip C. Holliday Jr. of Billings, Montana is in a bunch of trouble after his truck ran a red light and almost crashed into another vehicle before making an "erratic U-turn" through a gas station and crashing into a light post. Fortunately, nobody was injured in the incident. When questioned by police, Holliday told them that they should be talking to the real culprit...the unicorn that had been driving his truck at the time of the accident.

This is Holliday's 6th drunk driving arrest and mostly likely will be his 6th drunk driving conviction.

*Thanks to Howlingjay for the tip.

Wisconsin: The My Genitals Are On Fire State

I have always had a sneaking suspicion that Wisconsin might be a boring place. Now, I've never been there and I'm not sure I know anybody from there, so this is probably very judgmental of me. That being said, I have confirmation that things must be awful there because only in a place where things were truly awful, would the following conversation take place (the following conversation is not a direct quotation, merely an assumption based on evidence presented on the internet. So...no factual basis whatsoever.):

Jared W. Anderson, 20: Hey Randell, I'm pretty drunk.
Randell D. Peterson, 43: Really?
Jared W. Anderson, 20: Yeah. Drunk and bored. How about I pull down my pants and you can spray me with lighter fluid and set my genitals on fire.
Randell D. Peterson, 43: Ok.

Randall D. Peterson is charged with felony battery and first-degree reckless endangerment and faces 10 years in prison. Jared W. Anderson is expected to recover. The pair got the idea for the stunt from "Jackass the Movie".

Mother of Pretty Bank Bandit Speaks Out

Joy Miller, the mother of one of the 19-year old "giggling bandits" accused of robbing a bank in Georgia last week came out today in defense of her daughter saying "I want (people) to know that (Ashley) and Heather both are not bandits. They're little girls that made a bad choice."

Correction Mama Miller, a bad choice is mixing Goldschlager with orange juice or splitting 5's, robbing a bank is a felony. I didn't even know people still robbed banks and actually Mama Miller is right on one count, these girls aren't bandits because bandits wear clever disguises. These girls just wore sunglasses, which makes them idiots. Enjoy prison pretty ladies!

And The Award Goes To...

It has been awhile since we have given out one of these, but I felt this story warranted recognition.

A middle school teacher from Murray, Kentucky was arrested last week and charged with conspiracy to traffic in controlled substances within 1,000 feet of a school, possession of marijuana and possession of drug paraphernalia after accidentally texting a request for drugs to a state trooper instead of her dealer. The teacher, Ann Greenfield, texted the trooper, Trevor Pervine, regarding the possible purchase of marijuana. After realizing the texts weren't a joke, Pervine set up a plan to meet Greenfield and exchange the goods. When she arrived for the meeting, she was placed under arrest. The Kentucky State Police Spokesman, Barry Meadows, had this to say about the incident:

“She learned her lesson. Program your dealers into your phone."

Well said Mr. Meadows, well said.

AstroNUTS: A Tale of Love Lost

I think NASA has the same guy who was in charge of “making sure we don’t lose the moon landing tapes” in charge of “screening the astronaut program for crazy people”.

Navy Capt. Lisa Marie Nowak was arrested on Monday and charged with battery, attempted kidnapping, attempted burglary to a vehicle, and destruction of evidence after she allegedly attacked a woman who was having a relationship with a man that Nowak was interested in. I should mention that Nowak is married with 3 kids and the man in question is not her husband…but he is a fellow astronaut! Nowak claims her relationship with Bill Oefelein was "more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship." That smells like friendship to me, but Nowak saw it differently.

Police alleged that Nowak drove from Houston to Orlando to confront Colleen Shipman, Oefelein’s actual girlfriend, in the parking lot of the Orlando Airport. En route to Orlando, Nowak wore diapers to eliminate pit stops. When she arrived in Orlando, Nowak stalked Shipman (who had arrived by plane) to her car where she shot her in the face with pepper spray. Shipman was able to drive to a toll booth and contact the police who found Nowak disposing of a wig and a BB gun in a parking lot trash can.

What makes this story so OUT OF THIS WORLD (pun intended) is that it has astronauts behaving like Jerry Springer guests and that makes me feel better about myself! If an astronaut can wear diapers to avoid bathroom breaks when she heads out to attack her co-worker’s girlfriend, so can I!