Triumphant Return of the GTB Mirrors the Triumphant Return of GTB Hero The Hoff

We don't know how we missed this, but we did so here it goes! David Hasselhoff has announced that he will soon begin filming an as yet untitled reality TV Show about his life. Citing “creative unfulfillment” in his position as a judge on the hit series America’s Got Talent, The Hoff has signed a 10-episode deal with A&E to star in a show that chronicles his attempt to break his daughters into the recording industry.

At first we were concerned about the amount of stress that this would place on the GTB’s Musical and Theatrical Muse/Inspiration/Hero given his recent (and let’s be honest here…ongoing) battle with alcoholism. Then we remembered that this is the man who single-handedly unified Germany (and tore down the Berlin Wall using only awesome music and hip gyration) and rescued Hobie (who’s hair now looks like this by the way) and his love interest from an electric eel using only a defibrillator and his BARE HANDS*. He’ll be fine, but somebody should probably make a note to craft services “No Jack Daniels. No Cheeseburgers.” (We assume you still get a Craft Services Table when you star in a reality show…otherwise, nobody would ever film them).

Congratulations The Hoff. We cannot WAIT to watch!

*THANK YOU YOUTUBE FOR EXISTING and providing this clip. It is worth every minute you will spend watching it at work. Also a big shout out to Baywatch for naming this episode “Eel Nino” and making it easy to find!

**Thanks to Leslie for the tip!

What's Scarier Than a Plane Full of Snakes?

Those ever efficient Germans have figured out a way to ensure that passengers aren't hiding plastic forks under their clothes...they let them take them off! A German travel company is trying out a new day trip itinerary aimed at nudist patrons. For a mere $735, you and your nudey friends can take a day trip from Germany to the Baltic Sea Resort of Usedom.

Passengers will be required to wear clothes onto the plane and put them back on before the plane lands, but in the air, anything goes. The owner of the travel company acknowledged that the idea might sound crazy to some but he noted that there is an available niche market that could be tapped into. He did clarify, "I don't want people to get the wrong idea. It's not that we're starting a swinger club in mid-air or something like that. We're a perfectly normal holiday company." Germany, the land of entrepreneurs and cream cheese pizza.

*Thanks to Brookey for the tip!

Efficient? Yes. Stupid? Also Yes.

A German man was in line for a plane home from Egypt when security told him that he would have to dump out the liter of vodka he was carrying or pay to have his carry-on bag checked thanks to the airline liquid ban. Instead, the man chose option C. He drank the entire liter. Then he went to the hospital to be treated for alcohol poisoning.

See, to me, that is incredibly efficient. He bought the vodka, so he drank the vodka. The fact that it was enough vodka to KO Lindsay Lohan (or an elephant), yeah maybe that wasn't the best part of the plan.

What's the German word for Nasty?

In the German town of Kaiserslautern, something really stinks. Residents of an apartment complex called police after the stench of what they assumed was a dead body wafted into their building’s communal hallway. They feared that their neighbor, whose blinds had been closed and mail had been left unclaimed for over a week, was dead in his apartment. When police arrived on the seen and broke into the man’s home, they found him alive and well. The smell coming from his apartment was that of his feet and a pile of laundry.

I’m really not sure how this supports my blind appreciation of German efficiency. On one hand, the good Samaritans who called the police were efficient in recognizing the malodorous-ness of their hallway and contacting authorities to help their neighbor. On the other hand, I would think that in Germany, people wouldn't avoid washing for so long that their neighbors think they are dead. That seems more like something that would happen in New Jersey. Maybe I'm wrong about Germany. I'll keep you posted as I begin my hunt for evidence.

*Thanks to Bucket for the tip.

Sie Werden Entleert: That's German for We're Breaking Up

As you have probably learned from reading this blog, Germans are better at everything. This includes break-ups! In the always stunningly efficient Germany, you can hire somebody to dump your significant other. For just 50 euros (that is $68 US...today), Bernd Dressler, an economist by trade (multitasking! So classically German! I love it!), will pay a visit to your partner and let them know it is over. No tears, no messy public displays, just a clean break. Most of the break-ups take under 3 minutes! If you would prefer to do the deed yourself, Dressler offers break-up coaching to help you muddle through the sticky situation of telling someone you never want to see them again.

A lot of things that the Germans do would never fly in America because we hate efficiency, but I have a feeling that this might catch on. Who wouldn't pay $68 to avoid getting thrown out of a moving car or hit in the head with a pint glass? Maybe I'm dating the wrong people.

P.S. This is post #201.

Ever Efficient Germans

In Sonneberg, Germany, a 43-year-old man suddenly realized the inevitablity of his impending divorce, and decided to go ahead and split up the property he shared with his wife. The man took a chain saw to his family home, cut the structure in half, and then used a forklift to remove his portion of the estate.

German efficiency never ceases to amaze me.

*Thanks to Bucket for the tip.

I Puffy Heart German Robbers

Most of the time, petty criminals make me angry and in general, I don’t think very highly of their intellect or creativity. Today though, a story out of Germany might just make me rethink my position on this particular section of society.

A man in Germany went to an ATM. He withdrew 7,500 euros (about $10,000). As he was walking away from the ATM, he was “struck in the back of the neck with what he describes as human feces”. Luckily, 2 burly women, and later a man came to his aid. With paper towels no less. Claiming they had seen someone from above pooping down onto the man, they had come to help...then they stole all of his money. This plan=pure genius. Find an ATM, throw poop on a patron, pretend to help him clean it off while stealing his wallet. It's brilliance lies in how elaborately primal it is.

What struck me as odd is that the man was not at all surprised by the fact that strangers with paper towels were immediately available to help him after some punk pooped on his neck. In America, that would seem suspiciously convenient and probably would have been a red flag that something fishy was to follow. Then I remembered what I learned during my recent time in Berlin, Germans are efficient to the point of ridiculousness. In Germany it would be suspicious if there wasn't a stranger with readily available cleaning supplies just in case one person pooped on another. That stranger would probably even be paid by the government and after they cleaned you up they would offer you a sandwich and some free healthcare. I'm torn about where I would rather live.

The long and short lesson here is that Germans have some great ideas (some bad ones too, but lately, mostly good). They put cream cheese on their sandwiches and Sprite in their beer. They add lots of extra letters (and occasionally symbols) to words providing hilarity when foreigners attempt to pronounce them. But of all the good ideas that have come out of Germany the “feces distraction robbery method (a.k.a. the Monkey Heist)” will henceforth be my favorite.