If You Can't Beat 'Em, Arm 'Em

This past week it was confirmed that part of the U.S.'s new war plan for Iraq is to arm the Sunni insurgents and allow them the opportunity to help fight al-Qaeda and other radical insurgent groups that have been terrorizing the region. The move is a rather significant admission that the U.S. is now realizing that, after investing more then $15 billion to build them up, it cannot depend on the unreliable Iraqi military or police.

There are so many things wrong with this I don't even know where to begin so I guess I'll go with a question and answer format. Get excited because today we will all get a little history lesson with our Good Times and hopefully I will answer some questions for those of you who are scratching your heads in confusion.

1.) Aren't the Sunni insurgents "bad"?
Well, technically, yes, they are. Well, were and are. Initially, they were pretty upset about the invasion of their country (more about why they are pissed in a minute), but the U.S. is banking on them being MORE angry about the fact that other radical insurgent groups are blowing up a lot of Iraqis.

2.) But weren't the Sunni insurgents friends with the other radical insurgent groups (a lot of whom are also Sunnis)?
You have a good memory! Yes! They were. Initially, most of the identified insurgent groups in Iraq considered each other allies with a common cause. Now the Sunni insurgents believe that the other insurgent groups are killing far too many Iraqis.

3.) Why were the Sunnis so mad in the first place? Shouldn't ALL Iraqis be mad about the invasion of their country?
Why yes they should, but the Shi'ites are less mad because of L. Paul "Jerry" Bremer.

4.) But who is L. Paul "Jerry" Bremer?
Oh how quickly you forget! In May 2003, Paul Bremer took over as Director of Reconstruction and Humanitarian Assistance in Iraq (you can laugh here because I bet you didn't even know that was a job, given the state of reconstruction and humanitarian assistance in Iraq). In this capacity, Bremer was in charge of all things civilian. During the year he was in charge, he issued 100 Orders. These orders were "binding instructions or directives to the Iraqi people that create penal consequences or have a direct bearing on the way Iraqis are regulated, including changes to Iraqi law."

Order #1 was the "DE-BA`ATHIFICATION OF IRAQI SOCIETY" which banned all members of Saddam Hussein's Ba'ath party from working in government, education, etc. The Ba'ath party was pretty much all Sunnis and had been in charge for over 20 years meaning that they were also the people who had any knowledge about how to run the country.

Order #2 was the "DISSOLUTION OF ENTITIES WITH ANNEX A" which dissolved the Iraqi military, leaving about 350,000 young Iraqis with military training UNEMPLOYED and ANGRY.

I don't have the room or the energy to subject you to a listing of Paul Bremer's 98 other bad ideas. I do recommend you read them here.

4.) So he ostracized the Ba'ath Party (Sunnis) AND he disbanded the Iraqi Military? Where are you going with this?
Simple. One of the major reasons the new Iraqi Military and Iraqi Police forces are having such a hard time getting on their feet is the lack of experienced officers. There is a lack of experience in the Iraqi government, military, and police because the U.S. either banned the experienced people from participating or fired them all together.

5.) Hmmmm...So the Sunni insurgents have a lot to be angry at the U.S. about. Should we really be giving them guns just because the pinky swear to not use them on us?
No. We shouldn't. They could use them on the al-Qaeda related insurgent groups in Iraq. That could happen. Or they could use them to kill Shiites...or Americans...or other Sunnis. In general with this kind of thing, experience tells us you don't just "throw more guns in the mix".

6.) Experience? Surely we haven't done anything like this before.
Flashback, 1979. It was the year I was born, it was also the year that the Soviets invaded Afghanistan (coincidentally, it was also the year that Saddam Hussein took over in Iraq). After the Soviet invasion of Iraq, the U.S. financed, armed, and trained the mujahideen (in this case, Afghanistani Muslims that comprised the groups that opposed the Soviet occupation; Ronald Reagan called them "freedom fighters"). The mujahideen helped bring about an end to the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan, but the various factions that had united to defeat the Soviets quickly turned on each other. The country descended into civil war and out of that civil war rose the Taliban.

The U.S. proves time and time again that it doesn't learn from its mistakes. Arming one faction in a civil war that we don't understand, in a country that we don't understand, is the worst idea I have heard in a very long time. It might be a worse idea than the gay bomb.

*Thanks to Jenny for the tip!

I'd Rather Be...Anything

With the creation of the position of War Czar, the Bush Administration is proving that there are jobs that Americans won’t take.

So far, the job of War Czar, the person who would oversee the handling of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan (good thing that 5 years in they have decided to put somebody in charge of this! Whole bunch of quick thinkers in this Administration), has been turned down by three of the four-star generals the White House has approached about the possibility of taking the office. Gen. John J. "Jack" Sheehan was asked to consider the position and told the Washington Post, “The very fundamental issue is, they don't know where the hell they're going. So rather than go over there, develop an ulcer and eventually leave, I said, 'No, thanks'".

I imagine the job posting for War Czar would go something like this:

Most Powerful Branch of Constitution-based Federal Republic with strong democratic tradition, seeks scapegoat to clean up ENORMOUS mess in Middle East. Women, Homosexuals, Nancy Pelosi, Intellectuals, accomplished War Strategists, Pacifists, and Democrats need not apply.

I guess Bush should work a little harder on getting his “Guest Worker Program” passed, since it doesn’t look like he has anyone here who is willing to take the job. Maybe he should skip the four-star generals and go right to the insane (think Katherine Harris, Donald Rumsfeld, Pat Robertson, Sam Brownback, Rick Santorum, etc.). If he can’t find a taker there, there is new potential coming across the border everyday!

Please feel free to list jobs you would take rather than be War Czar in the comments section. Most fantastic suggestion wins the prize of…the position of U.S. War Czar. Hooray!

Is That a Crocodile In your Pocket or are you Just Happy to See Me?

I imagine things are always at least a little bit exciting at the Gaza-Egypt border crossing, but I can't think of much that would top the hoopla of last week when a woman attempted to smuggle 3 live crocodiles into Gaza. The act of smuggling crocodiles into a country that pays big money for them isn't really that interesting. The fun part is the method of transport. The woman had strapped the crocodiles (each about 20 inches long) around her body. Lucky for all involved, she had had the forethought to tie their jaws shut before roping them around her midsection. The woman was busted when guards noticed that she looked "strangely fat". Yeah, packing on a couple of extra crocodile's will do that to a person.

Had she made it, the crocs would have fetched the woman about $500 a piece. That's about 6 month's salary. The woman is not the first to attempt at exotic animal smuggling at this checkpoint. In another incident, guards found a monkey strapped to a woman's chest.

I was going to give this woman the Tarable Idea Award until somebody pointed out the sheer brilliance of the plan. If you are willing to strap live crocodiles to your body, it isn't a hard way to make $1,500 cash. I'm thinking about a new career.

* Thanks to Dave and Kumquat for the tip.

** Before any of you nerds have a chance to e-mail me, yeah, I know that picture is of an American Crocodile and most likely NOT a good example of what she was packing, but if the Bush Administration can change scientific reports to inject doubt about the role man-made emissions play in global warming, I too can disregard accuracy in reporting.

Maybe Just What the Middle East Needs

This summer, Hooters will open its first restaurant in Israel. Known for their delicious wings* and good clean family fun, Hooters is hoping to find a niche market in the city of Tel Aviv. Israeli franchise owner, Ofer Ahiraz, believes that Hooters may be just what the citizens of Tel Aviv have been looking for. While the location of the new restaurant has yet to be decided, Ahiraz has stated that he will not situate the restaurant near any large religious populations.

I think that bringing Hooters to the Middle East might be just what the doctor ordered. It is like that old saying "Give the people wholesome food and scantily clad women and peace will follow." Off the top of my head, I don't remember who said that, but I'm sure it was somebody who won a Nobel prize or something.

*And by delicious wings I mean slutty uniforms.