How'd That Weed Get in My Trunk???

An addict will do a lot of things to maintain their habit. Most of the time, those things are sad, this time, it is hilarious. A 62-year-old grandmother is facing jail time and enormous fines for muling drugs to fund her Bingo habit. Leticia Villareal Garcia of Arizona was pulled over by police who found 214 lbs. of marijuana in her trunk. Garcia claims she had no idea she was carrying the drugs. Prosecutors allege that Garcia started running drugs because her monthly income of only $275 in welfare money didn't nearly cover her Bingo addiction.

This seems kind of backwards. Don't most people gamble to fund their drug habits not run drugs to fund their gambling habit? Not that all people who gamble do so because they love drugs. Some of us do it for the sweet thrill of the win...and the free drinks.

Baby Oh Baby!

An Israeli family was recently granted the rights to their deceased son's sperm. Their son was killed while fighting for the Israeli Army in 2002. Since then, the family has battled the court system for custody of his sperm and the right to impregnate a woman of their choosing, that their son had never met. The family says that their son wanted to have a family, but never had a chance, now he will.

I hadn't heard about this but it turns out that the practice of donating sperm before going into battle has cropped up in the U.S. as members of our own military have been sent to fight in Iraq. Sadly, I have a feeling we will see a court case about this at some point too.

I have to wonder what the Right "Babies Should Have a Mother and a Father" Wing will have to say about this one.

Girls Threaten Bunny's Ability to Keep "Going and Going and Going"

Six teenage girls (all 9^th graders) from the rural town of Dunlap, outside of Chattanooga, Tennessee stand accused of “Conspiracy to Commit Criminal Homicide” (is there such a thing as non-criminal homicide?) after a list of people they intended to kill was found in a trash can at their high school. At first the list was considered a prank until police read postings on the girls’ MySpace pages that further alluded to their homicidal plot. The list contained the names of 300 classmates and high school faculty members along with Tom Cruise, Oprah Winfrey, and the Energizer Bunny. A detention hearing is scheduled for today and the teens are expected to plead “Not Guilty”.

A few things struck me about this story. 1.) When will kids learn to NOT POST CRAP THEY CAN GET ARRESTED FOR ON MYSPACE?? 2.) These girls threatened to kill the richest woman in entertainment (I think, but don’t feel like looking up), a guy everybody wants to strangle 98% of the time, and a battery company’s fictional mascot (and 300 people at their school). They are facing criminal charges. In front of millions of television viewers*, Pat Robertson suggested we kill THE PRESIDENT OF VENEZUELA. Then he suggested it again on TV the next day. Then in a written statement a few days later. Then he said it again on FOX News a year after that. Pat Robertson, not in trouble at all. Seems odd.

This is not to say that those girls shouldn’t be punished. Joke or not, I think some time in the clink could serve them well. Maybe they could blog about the communal showers and knife fights on their MySpace pages.

*I have no idea how many people actually watch the 700 Club. The number is probably closer to 8, but I’ve got some other things to take care of and don’t have time to check this particular fact.

Celebrity Enters Rehab

No, wait. It's not Lindsay Lohan this time, it's not even Mark Foley.

Isaiah Washington is entering rehab! But this is an extra special rehab as it has nothing to do with drugs, or drinking, or overeating, or sexual compulsion, or gambling, or anything else like that?

What's Mr. Washington addicted to? Gay hatin'.

After dropping the F-bomb (not that one, the one that rhymes with Maggot) about his co-worker T.R. Knight, Isiah is checkin' in to check out why he said the things he said. The Good Times Blog's best guess to this question is that the man's a tad bit of a bigot.

But you don't come to the Good Times Blog to read the news you could get on google news. You come for the inside scoop and we have it**. An anonymous and perhaps slightly fictional (or at least slightly not non-fictional) source has emailed us the itenerary for his first day in rehab.

9:00- Breakfast: Scones and Herbal Tea with Richard Simmons

9:30- Seminar One: Not Hatin' 101

10:30- Seminar Two: Fagotts: Small Medieval Sticks (NOT Gay people)

11:30- Rec Time: Crafting with Christopher Lowell

1:00- Lunch: Finger Sandwiches and Baby Carrots with Reichen and Lass

2:00- Seminar Three: Gay Jokes Aren't really funny (Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve...come on!)

3:00- Seminar Four: Life without gays: Interior Design, Fashion, and Wedding Planning OUT the Window

4:00- Break Time: Relaxing Sauna and Massage with Neil Patrick "Doogie Howser" Harris

5:00- Seminar Five: Gay Culture: Circuit Parties, Poppers, and Toy Poodles

6:00- Closing Remarks: Clay Aiken

Wait a Second...

I sucked it up and watched a pretty decent chunk of last night's State of the Union Address. For those of you who had better plans, you didn't miss much. The whole thing could have been titled "Let's Throw Stuff to the Wall and See What Sticks". About halfway through though, something dawned on me. Bush sounded like a democrat. With the "Let's cut gas consumption" and the "let's insure the uninsured babies and oldies"...that's when I got a little concerned. How was Bush going to make his tax cuts permanent AND insure the babies? So I did a little digging (so you don't have to).

I can't even begin to explain this plan but if you have insurance through your work, are chronically ill, or are too poor to care about saving on your taxes, this plan will probably hurt you, but if you pay for insurance for yourself, it might help.

For the record, I would like to commend President Bush (look quick, this may never happen again) for putting this issue on the table, but huge parts of this plan are super crappy. Good thing Congress isn't going to do anything he talked about in the way he proposed (I think I saw Hillary playing Gameboy under the table). Read the breakdown from CNN Money and let us know what you think!

Ted Nugent Never Fails to Offend

I always imagined that the Texas Inaugural Ball probably involved guns and the Confederate flag, turns out I was right! Texas Governor Rick Perry invited his good friend Ted Nugent to rock the crowd at his black-tie inaugural gala. Nugent, being a long time friend of Perry's, happily agreed. What Perry hadn't expected was that his friend would arrive with machine gun props, dressed in a Confederate flag, or that his performance would include "offensive remarks about non-English speakers". GOP strategist Royal Masset had this to say about the decision to let Nugent perform at such a well publicized event, "I think it was a horrible choice. I hope nobody approved it."

*That photo ISN'T from the night in question. That is from a DIFFERENT time that Ted Nugent dressed in the Confederate flag and brandished machine guns.

**Thanks to Dave for the tip.

Parents Blame MySpace

The parents of 5 teenage girls who were sexually assaulted by people they met through MySpace are suing the popular networking site for "negligence, recklessness, fraud and negligent misrepresentation". The parents claim that MySpace didn't do nearly enough to protect their children (all 14 or 15 year old girls) from online predators. The damages sought in this particular suit have not been disclosed but a similar suit against MySpace back in June asked for compensation for damages in the amount of $30 Million.

I had no idea that it was MySpace's job to make sure young girls didn't go on dates with skanky child molesters they met online. If I had known that MySpace offered free parenting, I would have had a slew of kids a long time ago, set them up in front of the old computer, and headed out to the bars. Then I could sue MySpace for millions when the kids didn't get fed or bathed or were eaten by wild dogs. Then I could live a sweet life.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not completely blaming the parents. Mostly I blame the child molesters. And Al Gore for inventing the internet.

Well, This Isn't Good News

The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists moved the hands of its Doomsday Clock a full 2 minutes closer to midnight today (midnight is bad). The clock was created in 1947 and has since served to symbolize how close the world is to complete destruction. The hands of the clock haven't moved since 2002. The Bulletin had this to say about its decision to move the hands a few minutes closer to doom:

"We stand at the brink of a second nuclear age. Not since the first atomic bombs were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki has the world faced such perilous choices. North Korea’s recent test of a nuclear weapon, Iran’s nuclear ambitions, a renewed U.S. emphasis on the military utility of nuclear weapons, the failure to adequately secure nuclear materials, and the continued presence of some 26,000 nuclear weapons in the United States and Russia are symptomatic of a larger failure to solve the problems posed by the most destructive technology on Earth.

As in past deliberations, we have examined other human-made threats to civilization. We have concluded that the dangers posed by climate change are nearly as dire as those posed by nuclear weapons. The effects may be less dramatic in the short term than the destruction that could be wrought by nuclear explosions, but over the next three to four decades climate change could cause drastic harm to the habitats upon which human societies depend for survival.

This deteriorating state of global affairs leads the Board of Directors of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists--in consultation with a Board of Sponsors that includes 18 Nobel laureates--to move the minute hand of the “Doomsday Clock” from seven to five minutes to midnight."

This all sounds pretty bad. Good thing I don't believe in "science". If I did, I would be crapping my pants right now. P.S. Nobel Prizes are completely overrated.

*Photo of Doomsday Clock courtesy of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists.

Who Quares?

You might remember the hoopla that followed the announcement that newly elected U.S. Representative Keith Ellison (D-Minnesota) would place his hand on a copy of the Quran for his swearing in ceremony earlier this month. People got all huffy about it. Now the ACLU is challenging a North Carolina law that has witnesses place their hand on the Bible to swear in before testifying in a court hearing.** A Jewish and a Muslim plaintiff would like persons speaking before the court to have the option of being sworn in with the Bible, the Quran, or the Old Testament. Again, there is big hoopla.

Asking someone who isn’t Christian to swear on a bible is like asking me to swear an oath on Treason by Ann Coulter. You would be asking me to wager my promise of honesty against my relationship with someone who I think is the Queen of the Harpies.* What about THAT guarantees I will tell the truth? The answer is nothing. This coincidentally is also the answer to the question “What does Ann Coulter do to change the fact that she is a terrible human being…and Queen of the Harpies?”

*This is not to imply that this is how non-Christians feel about the Bible, I'm just saying that having somebody swear an oath on a book they don't believe in is the same as crossing your fingers behind your back when you pinky swear. It erases everything you just agreed to. Duh.

**See a clarification of the North Carolina law in the comments section. You don't HAVE to use a Bible to swear in, but if you want to swear an oath on a religious text the Bible is the only book you CAN use. I just realized that this post made it sound like you HAD to swear on the Bible. You don't. But if you are somebody who feels like you can't tell the truth unless you have sworn to your higher power, you are SOL if you aren't a Christian.

EXTRA! EXTRA! Huge Breaking News Political Shocker!

Condi loves FOX News. I know that this might come as a shock to you. I probably should have told you to sit down before you read this post, but I forgot. I'm sure you are wondering "How could that be true??" but I got my info straight from the horse's mouth. I do believe the exact quote was "My Fox guys, I love every single one of them." In a way, it is kind of refreshing. It is the first thing she has ever said that I haven't had to wonder if she is lying.

Those aren't flip flops Mr. Russo, they're balloons for a party!

George W. Bush (9/15/06): "And that's the way I will continue to conduct the war. I'll listen to generals."

So to my surprise what headline do I read in the Washington Post today? With Iraq Speech, Bush Breaks With Generals.

Flip.

Flop.

It is Hard to Always Be Right

This is absolutely unbelievable. The Good Times Blog is known for its hardcore news and investigatory journalism. Often we are the first borderline legitimate news outlet to report borderline legitimate news or celebrity gossip, but today, we have hit a new high. What we said in jest yesterday, today has turned out to be true! New Jersey WAS what Manhattanites smelled yesterday. This makes the GTB the Winner! I have never won a Pulitzer, but I think this is close to how good it would feel.

Does this Smell Bad to You?

New York City is repairing a 'small gas leak' in Manhattan but officials say that this leak does not account for the nasty smell that has blanketed the city. This might be a stab in the dark, but a possible explanation is that the usually self-absorbed Manhattanites have suddenly woken up and smelled their neighbor, New Jersey. There is no evidence that this is what happened, I just couldn't miss the chance to take a cheap shot at New Jersey AND Manhattan all in one post.

Virgina Punished with 2-Headed Calf Monster*

First the great state of Virginia puts reported bigot, Virgil Goode into office, and then they are blessed with the birth of a 2-headed calf. While science can’t identify a concrete link between the two seemingly separate instances, it also can’t tell us the answer to “Why would anyone drink Stag Beer?” Maybe there are things we aren’t meant to know, but I sense Virginia is in trouble with someone important.

*This story would be better if the calf WAS actually a monster. Apparently she is very sweet. Maybe an evil 2-headed calf is punishment for Virgil Goode while a nice 2-headed calf is reward for the good things that come out of Virginia, like…um…yeah, I can’t think of anything but Virgil Goode and tobacco, so clearly the birth of that crazy beast (sweet as she may be) is a bad sign.

What a difference a day makes!

Not much more commentary needed than the article itself, but apparently Representative Charlie Rangel (D) has booted Dick Cheney from his congressional office.

From the post, "Rangel moved at lightning speed to boot the man he once told The Post is a 'son of a bitch.'" Ok, that sounds a bit childish but who cares.

On other fronts apparently the new republican minority is complaining that their rights as a minority might not be respected. In case you are wondering, yes those are the same rights that the republicans withheld from democrats for 12 years.

Do they really think the public won't realize that they essentially rendered the democratic party powerless, not allowing them to propose ammendments, forcing them to meet in basement offices with no microphones (I'm not making this stuff up), and so on and so on.

Luckily the media is not letting this slide by (from the Post):

"It fell to CNN's Dana Bash to point out the awkward truth. "You can play back, almost verbatim, Democrats . . . saying almost exactly what you all just said," she said. "So is there a little bit of hypocrisy in you saying that you want minority rights?"

"This is a missed opportunity to really change the way that the House does business," Putnam offered, citing Democrats' campaign promises for "a new way of doing business."

"What stopped you from taking that opportunity when you were still in the majority?" inquired Rick Klein of the Boston Globe. "Well, I'll let Chairman Dreier speak to that."

Idiots.

Pat Robertson: Americans Going to Die, Lord didn't Mention "Nukes"

Apparently we are in big trouble. God has told Pat Robertson that there will be a "mass killing of Americans in 2007". God didn't mention "nukes", but Pat thinks it will be something along those lines. This might not bode well for us Americanos if Pat Robertson had the credibility of say, Miss Cleo, instead of what he does have which is, no credibility at all. In fact, Robertson has missed the mark quite a bit lately with his predictions. Robertson had this to say about that: "I have a relatively good track record. Sometimes I miss." Doesn't he mean sometimes God misses? It couldn't be that, so maybe he means "sometimes I don't listen when God is talking"? Either way, I do believe that if he had any real psychic prowess at all he'd be making $1,000 a day playing 3-card Monte on a New York street corner. He just seems like a 3-card Monte kind of guy.*

I guess this is better than that time he called for the assassination of Hugo Chavez. Or that time he said that Ariel Sharon's stroke could be attributed to God's anger over the Gaza pull out. Or that time he called Muslims "satanic". Or that time that he said someone should "nuke" the State Department. Or that time he said he could leg press 2,000 lbs. Or that time he said that "[Liberal college professors] are racists, murderers, sexual deviants and supporters of Al-Qaeda – and they could be teaching your kids! These guys are out and out communists, they are radicals, they are, you know, some of them killers, and they are propagandists of the first order…you don’t want your child to be brainwashed by these radicals, you just don’t want it to happen. Not only brainwashed but beat up, they beat these people up, cower them into submission." That last one is my favorite.

Yep, he's crazy like a fox. A fuzzy, lovable, if he wasn't Pat Robertson he would be arrested for saying the crap he says, fox.

*You don't have to be psychic to scam people at 3-card Monte, but I bet it would help!

Passing Judgment on Judicial Salaries

Those activist judges are getting all activisty again. This time they are activizing about…their own salaries. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts released an 8 page annual report that focused on the sole topic of pay raises for the federal judiciary. He makes some good arguments about inflation and keeping up with such and such, but he lost me when I found out that federal judges make $165,200 (to start). Roberts declared that the compensation situation “has now reached the level of a constitutional crisis that threatens to undermine the strength and independence of the federal judiciary…Our judiciary will not properly serve its constitutional role if it is restricted to (1) persons so wealthy that they can afford to be indifferent to the level of judicial compensation, or (2) people for whom the judicial salary represents a pay increase.” Wow. Sounds scary.

I agree with Roberts that padding the bench with people who are so rich that even the paltry $165,200 salary won't deter them from public service, is a bad idea. I also think it is a bad idea to make the salary of a federal judge so inflated that you end up filling the robes with people who “do it for the money”.

I’m not saying that judges don’t deserve to get paid. They do. They work hard. They keep criminals off of the streets and sometimes they protect our civil liberties, but I can’t even believe we are having this discussion about a job that pays $80 an hour (to start) when we haven’t raised the federal minimum wage in 10 years. I don’t know though. Maybe I missed the memo and there is some huge shortage of federal judges that I didn’t know about. Maybe they can’t give these jobs away and soon we’ll be living in an extended prison colony because there is nobody around to make sure the criminals get locked up. I might have zero information about this and am only bitter because federal judges make about 4 times what I do and they get to sit in a chair and wear fat robes all day. So all you judges out there, go ahead and send me comments on how I don’t know what I’m talking about and to those comments I will say “Jury duty pays $40 a day and I’m pretty sure they do the hard part.”