Pay more for Gas, Less for A**

With the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, the release of John Mark Karr, the reports of Paris Hilton's dismal debut album sales, and the rabid otter attacks, this week has been sort of a downer (and it is only Wednesday), so when I stumbled upon this heartwarming story out of Australia, I had to pass it along.

To help compensate for the rising cost of gas, Australian brothels have begun offering discounts to customers who have felt the pinch at the pump and come around to unwind. Present your gas receipt and for every liter of gas you've purchased you get $.20 off your brothel bill. I have a feeling this wouldn't fly in the U.S., but it sounds to me like everybody wins!

You Otter Beware

Last Thursday, a woman in Virginia was attacked by a rabid otter. She was cooling off in Claytor Lake when the otter bit her on the buttocks, thighs, and arms before attempting to drag her underwater, presumably to its ottertastic lair. The woman escaped after her sister punched the otter in the head. She is currently undergoing treatment for rabies exposure.

I'm posting this story because I have known for a long time that someday, the otters would turn on us. Any animal that is smart enough to use a rock to crack open it's dinner, is smart enough to kill and eat people. It is only a matter of time before the otters take over Virginia, which is fine...maybe one of them can defeat George Allen, but if they cross the river into Maryland, we are screwed.

Katherine Harris Doesn't Want to be a Senator

There are some people who you like and respect because they do great things to improve the world and the lives of the people around them, and then there are the people who you like because they are terrible, say stupid things, consistently wear clown make-up, and generally make the rest of us feel better about how non-crazy we are. Katherine Harris (U.S. Representative from FL…currently running for U.S. Senate) is the latter for me.

It has been awhile since she did anything super nutty, but this time she has really outdone herself. In an interview with the Florida Baptist Witness (that’s a newspaper), Harris spewed a whole slew of deliciously quotable crap about the separation of church and state, calling it a “lie” and insisting that the founding father’s never intended for the U.S. to be “a nation of secular laws”. Since that isn’t necessarily offensive (idiotic, yes, but could just be considered “having her own opinion” ) Harris threw in this zinger… “If you’re not electing Christians, then in essence, you are going to legislate sin.” Wow. Keep in mind that this self-righteous “if you aren’t a Christian, you have no morals” junk is spouted by a woman under investigation for taking $32K in illegal campaign contributions. What’s that saying about glass houses and stones?

Apparently Katherine Harris and George Allen were out back behind the schoolhouse smokin’ left-handed cigarettes on the day they taught “If you want to be elected, don’t say things that tell the world you are a bigot, anti-semite, racist, anti-dentite, or any kind of ‘phobe’” in Politics 101. The GTB wishes Harris all the best of luck in the upcoming election and we hope that after she loses in November she is able to find a comfy job scaring alligators out of the Everglades.

Virgin Mary: The Summer 2006 Tour

On the 18th of August, the Virgin Mary appeared in the form of chocolate drippings at a candy factory in California. Just 3 days later, her image materialized in the grease trap of a George Foreman Grill in St. Louis, MO. I have posted pictures from Mary's Summer 2006 All-American tour above.

Looking to inspire others, I shared these pics with my family. My father thinks Chocolate Mary looks like a "falcon". My sister thinks Grill Grease Mary looks like a "geisha" (I sort of agree with her). Let us know what you think of Mary's latest string of public appearances.

If you like to see neat things appear in the form of, or on top of food, can we also suggest you check out "Snakes on Some Toast".

It's an Angry World After All!

According to Men's Health Magazine, Orlando, FL is the angriest city in America. Home of the Happiest Place on Earth, Walt Disney World, is the ANGRIEST city in America. I think that might be ironic, but I'm not 100% sure. The Good Times Blog is now accepting opinions on what Orlandites are so pissed off about. Is it the heat? Is it the alligators? Is the crappy location in the very middle of God's Waiting Room with no luxurious ocean view to help redeem the fact that they live in a swamp? You decide.

Also note that the city that SHOULD be the angriest, New Orleans, LA, didn't even make the list. Maybe FEMA trailers are a sweeter deal than this girl thought?

*Thanks to D for the tip.

A Sad Day for Chickens as Anti-Cruelty Champion Gives up Fight

In a disappointing turn of events Mr. Kentucky Fried Cruelty.com has petitioned the court to have his name changed back to Chris Garnett. Fried Cruelty.com (aka Garnett), who works for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), changed his name last fall to garner awareness for the PETA website of the same name.

Fried Cruelty.com was not the only employee who took this drastic step in the name of animal rights. PETA workers Karin Robertson and Brandi Valladolid became "GoVeg.com" and "Ringling beats animals.com" respectively (GoVeg.com has since gone back to using Karin Robertson while Ringling Beats Animals.com remains crazy...I mean dedicated to the cause).

This is a sad day for chickens everywhere. Clearly, Fried Cruelty.com loved those damn chickens. He loved them enough to change his name to a website promoting their welfare. Who will fight the good fight now? Will Colonel Sanders find new and better ways to torture these creatures? Will Combo #4 soon become "1 Bucket of Live Chickens, 1 Blow Torch, 1 Large Soft Drink"? Great. Now I'm crying.

Pete Doherty is Hans Klopek?

Our loyal reader Bucket sent in this tip for consideration. She thinks that her boyfriend, Hans Klopek (right) looks ALOT like Pete Doherty (left). In fact, they might even be the same person. Bucket is hoping that they are, since afterall, Pete Doherty dates Supermodel/Cocaine addict Kate Moss. If Bucket were able to say that she and Kate Moss have the same boyfriend, she would then be able to go to awesome parties and snort coke and lose a bunch of modeling contracts, just like Kate did. Are Hans Klopek (of "The 'Burbs" starring Tom Hanks as a man who attempts to investigate whether or not his whacky new neighbors are in fact murderers while hilarity ensues) and Pete Doherty (heroine, cocaine, and model addict) the same person? You decide.

One Giant "Whoops!" for Mankind

This one time, I popped in a VHS tape on which I had recorded a recent episode of “The Amazing Race”. As the picture appeared, I realized that the tape was actually my sister’s last ballet performance prior to the wild dog attack that left her in a wheelchair. A few seconds into the performance, the tape cuts to the opening of the Amazing Race. Ruh Roh! It turned out later that I hadn’t taped over the original, just a copy, but nonetheless, I still feel bad about it. That was until now. NASA just announced that for over a year, they have been unable to locate the 700 boxes of original tapes and recordings of the first (and subsequent 2^nd-5^th) moon landings. NASA is playing down the incident, saying they have back-ups of everything that was lost (and by back-ups they mean ‘we once played the moon landing tapes on a TV screen and videotaped the TV’. No. I’m not kidding. That is how NASA backs up data.)

The US Government really needs to come up with a form or something to keep better track of their stuff. First it is the moon landing tapes, then what, the Constitution? "Oh we haven't seen that in awhile! Somebody took it out of the archives and never brought it back. Until we find it, we're gonna make all decisions for the country based on this word scramble we got off the side of a Happy Meal box." There is a chance that this is already what is going on.

I Puffy Heart German Robbers

Most of the time, petty criminals make me angry and in general, I don’t think very highly of their intellect or creativity. Today though, a story out of Germany might just make me rethink my position on this particular section of society.

A man in Germany went to an ATM. He withdrew 7,500 euros (about $10,000). As he was walking away from the ATM, he was “struck in the back of the neck with what he describes as human feces”. Luckily, 2 burly women, and later a man came to his aid. With paper towels no less. Claiming they had seen someone from above pooping down onto the man, they had come to help...then they stole all of his money. This plan=pure genius. Find an ATM, throw poop on a patron, pretend to help him clean it off while stealing his wallet. It's brilliance lies in how elaborately primal it is.

What struck me as odd is that the man was not at all surprised by the fact that strangers with paper towels were immediately available to help him after some punk pooped on his neck. In America, that would seem suspiciously convenient and probably would have been a red flag that something fishy was to follow. Then I remembered what I learned during my recent time in Berlin, Germans are efficient to the point of ridiculousness. In Germany it would be suspicious if there wasn't a stranger with readily available cleaning supplies just in case one person pooped on another. That stranger would probably even be paid by the government and after they cleaned you up they would offer you a sandwich and some free healthcare. I'm torn about where I would rather live.

The long and short lesson here is that Germans have some great ideas (some bad ones too, but lately, mostly good). They put cream cheese on their sandwiches and Sprite in their beer. They add lots of extra letters (and occasionally symbols) to words providing hilarity when foreigners attempt to pronounce them. But of all the good ideas that have come out of Germany the “feces distraction robbery method (a.k.a. the Monkey Heist)” will henceforth be my favorite.

Yes Virginia there is an Indian…Er, American

This story is too good not to share. Senator George Allen (R-Virginia) has been at home campaigning for reelection and his opponent Jim Webb (D) has sent a staffer to follow Allen’s campaign with a video camera. That staffer is UVA Senior, S.R. Sidarth. At a recent campaign appearance, Sidarth found himself the center of attention as Allen worked him into his speech. Here’s what Senator Allen had to say:

"This fellow here over here with the yellow shirt, Macaca, or whatever his name is. He's with my opponent. He's following us around everywhere. And it's just great…Lets give a welcome to Macaca, here. Welcome to America and the real world of Virginia."

Sidarth was understandably confused and angered by the shout out because, while he is of Indian descent, he was born and raised in Fairfax, VA and last time I checked, that makes him an American. That is until my campaign to chop Virginia off of America and send it out into the ocean succeeds.*

In a page from the “Classic Political Strategy Playbook” the Webb campaign is asking the Allen campaign what Allen meant by this remark and demanding an apology. The Allen campaigning is countering with random accusations of anti-Semitism? Politics at its best people.

*To Captain Adventure, D, and any other Virginians I like, but may have forgotten…I will wait until you seek asylum in a blue state before I carry out my plan.

Boy Oh Boy...George

Boy George got super pissed today as he attempted to complete his first of 5 days of court-ordered community service. As the paparazzi closed in, Boy George shouted “Do you think you are better than me?” at the group of camera-toting onlookers.

To answer him (not that he was really addressing me, but having an awesome blog sort of makes Scooter and I part of the 'media')...I’m not really sure if I think I am better than you. I don’t think that I can dress as creatively as you did at the height of your 1980’s popularity. I will say that if I ever had a house full of cocaine, I wouldn’t call in a fake robbery to the police, inviting them to come and find my stash.

Yep, that is what he did to get the community service in the first place. Originally he tried to convince the judge to let him serve the community by doing a fashion or make-up workshop for teens. The judge sentenced him to sweeping the streets of Manhattan instead. Perhaps he realized any make-up workshop hosted by Boy George would start with “First close your eyes, then just apply until you can’t feel your face anymore.” and end with teenagers wandering onto the street to frighten tourists and old people.

GTB PSA #2 - Toothpaste for Dinner

If you are looking for a good way to kill some time, the Good Times Blog recommends a visit to Toothpaste for Dinner. Daily comics, good times. Enjoy! (It is linked on the right if you forget what I've just said).

Sturgeon General's Warning

A 23-year old Florida man sustained minor injuries recently after being whacked off his jet-ski by a flying 4-foot-long sturgeon. Apparently, this happens once or twice a year on the Suwannee River where the sturgeon can grow up to 8 feet in length and weigh up to 200 lbs.

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission are calling this an accident, but I would argue that if it is happening twice a year, you don't have "accidents", you have a pattern of injury and destruction. My guess is that the fish have finally gotten fed up with the pollution (both water and noise) that PWCs bring to their neighborhoods and they have decided to issue a little warning: Boaters Beware.

Apparently those sturgeon need a little reminder of who's the boss apple sauce. My suggestion for Floridian Boaters looking to establish their oceanic dominance would be a little something the Japanese call "Dynamite Fishing". I won't go into details here since I'm pretty sure it is a violation of about 10 international laws and treaties, but in all honesty, should humans have to worry about pissed off fish knocking them off of their jet-skis when we are trying to use their habitat for a good time? I think not.

Another Blow in My Attempt to Like Texas

They kill penguins and from this article, they kind of think it is funny. I guess a truck full of penguins crashing is a little funny, but not so funny if they die. It would have been funnier if the truck full of snakes and alligators crashed instead. And if the alligators had eaten the snakes. And then had gone to Tom Delay's house.

Patrick Swayze to World: I'm Not Quite Dead Yet

I kind of thought Patrick Swayze was dead. I can’t think of anything he has done since ‘To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar’. It turns out that I may have jumped the gun when I mistook his less than prolific movie career for his eternal demise. He turned up in the press this week to tell the world that Mel Gibson is not anti-semitic. This article on E! Online summarizes what I was wondering…does Patrick Swayze even know Mel Gibson? All that aside, I have to wonder how much good it will do Mel Gibson to get a ringing endorsement from current D-lister, Swayze (putting him on the d-list is generous…4 minutes ago I thought he was dead),. Maybe I am underestimating how much Americans love 'Dirty Dancing'?