Did India Legalize Gay Marriage?

I ask because last week, P. Selvakumar of Southern India married a dog. Selvakumar decided to propose in an effort to atone for the fact that 15 years ago he stoned 2 different dogs to death. He said that his life has been cursed ever since and he decided that the best thing to do was to make a dog his wife. So far no word on if his life has improved since the wedding.

I'm pretty sure that this type of thing only follows the legalization of Gay Marriage so congrats to all the Gays in India as well!

Could it Possibly be True???

A woman in Cuero, Texas is claiming that she and her neighbors have found the bodies of 3 CHUPACABRAS. For those of you who live under a rock, the Chupacabra (a.k.a. the Mexican Goat Sucker) is a creature that has been known to stalk and kill goats, cows, sheep, children, etc. by draining then drinking their blood. Most often spotted in Latin America, the Chupacabra has also made appearances in North America, once as far north as Maine! The very best physical description I could find for the Chupacabra comes from Wikipedia:

The most common description of Chupacabra is a lizard-like being, appearing to have leathery or scaly greenish-gray skin and sharp spines or quills running down its back. This form stands approximately 3 to 4 feet (1 to 1.2 m) high, and stands and hops in a similar fashion to a kangaroo. In at least one sighting, the creature hopped 20 feet (6 m). This variety is said to have a dog or panther-like nose and face, a forked tongue protruding from it, large fangs, and is said to hiss and screech when alarmed, as well as leave a sulfuric stench behind. When it screeches, some reports note that the chupacabra's eyes glow an unusual red, then give the witnesses nausea. For some witnesses, it was seen with bat-like wings.

This description not only reiterates for me that the Chupacabra is by far the coolest animal on earth, but it also makes me think that the Chupacabra is actually Ann Coulter.

The Cuero, Texas residents will send the head of one of the beasts for genetic testing in hopes of determining its lineage. In the meantime, they are selling T-shirts that say "2007 Summer of the Chupacabra". There is a reward to anyone who figures out how I can get my hands on one of these shirts!

Squirrel Spies Arrested in Iran

Iranian police have allegedly captured 14 squirrels that they say were involved in a plot to illegally spy on Iran. The squirrels, said to have been captured close to the Iranian border, were equipped with "eavesdropping" devices. The squirrels were taken into custody and at this time, their fate is unknown.

We have been able to find little evidence to support the accuracy of this story, but it does make you wonder...

How paranoid has Iran gotten that they would actually think their enemies would use SQUIRRELS to spy on them? I mean, come on, where would they even get a ridiculous idea like that?

Besides, if the U.S. had sent them, Scooter Libby and Dick Cheney would have already leaked the squirrel spy's identity in an attempt to punish the squirrel spy's husband for telling the world that Iraq wasn't trying to buy yellowcake uranium from Niger.

*Thanks to Bucket for the tip!

Israeli Man Shows Off

If you have already heard this story somewhere else, you had to know it would show up here on the GTB. This is the kind of story that we live for and I feel the need to share it with those of you who rely solely on the GTB for your news and information.

An Israeli man and his family are safe today after a wild leopard leaped through the window of their home and climbed into bed with them. The man, dressed only in his underwear, wrestled the leopard to the ground and held it pinned down for 20 minutes until help arrived.

So this guy was sleeping in bed with his family and a LEOPARD came through the window and jumped in bed with them. The man then wrestled the leopard to the ground. Yeah, I know I just said that, but it is so unbelievable that I had to say it again.

This sounds like something that happened to me once. Just replace the words "this guy" with the word "I", the words "his family" with "a pizza", the word "leopard" with "hammerhead shark", "them" with "me", "the man" with "I", and finally "wrestled the leopard to the ground" with "restrained the shark, and over time trained it to do my bidding and get me beers."

Simply amazing.

Gay Flamingos Fulfill Dream of Adopting

Carlos and Fernando, a gay flamingo couple at the Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust (WWT) in Slimbridge, England, have been trying to adopt for years. The pair, who have been committed for 6 years, have been known to chase other flamingos away from their nests so that they could have their eggs. Unfortunately, it appeared that the couple would remain childless until a twist of fate brought Carlos and Fernando the family they have dreamed of. Last week, caretakers at WWT found an abandoned egg and decided to give the pair a shot at fatherhood.

Before the team had a chance to give the egg to the couple, it hatched in an incubator. Since flamingo parents usually bond with their chicks as they "talk them through" the process of hatching, the staff carefully taped the chick back inside the egg and brought it to Carlos and Fernando's nest. A short while later, the proud parents were seen "talking" to the chick inside the egg, and then helping it hatch for a second time.

So far things seem to be going well and we wish the family the best of luck as they start their new life together!

These Stories Are All True

The following three stories are unbelievable and did actually happen (sorry for all the animal stories but these are AWESOME):

• In Homer, Alaska, Gary and Terri Lyon looked outside their home and saw a 500-lb Grizzly bear killing a full grown MOOSE in their driveway. Gary had this to say about the grizzly (pun intended) scene: "She tore apart the chest cavity, ripped out the heart and ate it. It was like she knew that's what kept it alive." I hope to all heavens that someday I can witness something as awesome as this. They should have called in Jessica May to put some baby clothes on the moose carcass.
  

• In Lithuania, 3 drunk college students broke into a zoo, scaled a 10-foot fence to get into the giraffe cage and were immediately attacked by the 1.3 ton beast. I have never in my life heard of a giraffe attacking someone and what is it with drunk people breaking into zoos and getting into fights with the animals? I think I would like to see a giraffe fight a moose...or me. I'd be all "Hey floppy neck...whaddaya gonna do about it!"*

• This story is very tragic, but also a very good lesson. On Monday evening a New Britain, Connecticut man was killed while BATTLE DANCING his rival. Robert Stitt attempted a forward flip and landed on his head. He was later pronounced dead. Battle dancing is an informal competition where participants try to outdance each other. In my neighborhood we call these Dance Offs and I challenge my co-workers to them at least 4 times a day. I had no idea they were dangerous. I guess given this realization we should return to our previous method of settling disputes...fire extinguisher fighting. Don't get that crap in your eyes.

*Thanks to B.B. for the tip.

A Heartwarming Story for a Change

With people suing their dry cleaners for $65 Million for losing a pair of pants and with President Bush threatening to veto the hate crimes bill, I thought we needed an uplifting story. So I went in search of something that might bring a tear to your eye. Here's what I found...

Jessica May wants people to stop and think about the wildlife around them. She wants people to take a moment out of their busy day and acknowledge the promising lives cut short by the hustle and bustle of America's highways. She wants people to think, however briefly, about roadkill.

How, you may ask, is Ms. May ever going to get people to slow down and consider the lives of the lowly animals that have been run down by their gas guzzling SUV's and environmentally/economically friendly hybrids? Simple! She finds roadkill, then dresses it in human baby clothes. Sometimes she even paints their nails. Then she leaves the fancied up carcass where she found it for others to admire.

It is an odd project and I can't say that it is the best use of time I have heard of this week, but I have to admire her efforts to take stock of the world around her and admit this is a valiant attempt at getting others to do the same. I much prefer to send around e-petitions and not wear fur but whatever blows your skirt up.

*The squirrel pictured above is alive and well. He is Sugarbush Squirrel and I recommend you visit his website.

Monkey Business

Keith Chen, an economist at Yale University, wanted to see if monkeys could be taught to use currency. After months of training, Chen had taught the monkeys that they could exchange small silver tokens for food rewards. He then observed how the monkeys would use their money to purchase their preferred snacks, would buy more of their less preferred treats if they were on sale, and would spend their fortune rather than save it for a rainy day. He also observed one monkey paying another monkey for sex. Monkeys are pretty smart. Maybe I will get one to write this blog!

* Thanks to Howlingjay for the tip and the title.

That Was A Close One!

Good thing you all ignored me when I asked for help in the GTB's pursuit to own a Woolly Mammoth. Turns out that A.) it was only a skeleton and B.) it sold for $421,200. What would I do with a woolly mammoth SKELETON? I'd have to buy a ton of cats and spend 12 hours a day shaving them and gluing their fur onto the mammoth bones. The process could take months and that is time I don't have. Once again, you readers were right. Feel free to still buy those t-shirts. I think they are accurate (unless there is a blog out there that DOES own a woolly mammoth, in which case, you should be reading that blog instead of this one).

Chinese Zoos, Maybe Not So Safe

It seems that China may have a safety problem at its zoos. In an incredibly sad story, yesterday, a 6-year old girl, who had paid $2.00 to have her picture taken with a tiger, was eaten by said tiger when it was startled by the camera. After a little digging, an anonymous source* was able to find documentation of several other bizarre incidents at various Chinese zoos.

In October 2005, a zookeeper who was trying to collect bile from 6 bears was eaten alive. The bears were so angry that zoo workers had to wait 2 hours for the bears to calm down enough that they could enter the enclosure and retrieve the man's body. Interestingly enough bear bile fetches more cash per ounce than most narcotics and the extraction process is incredibly painful for the bear.

A mere 2 days after the "bear eats zookeeper" incident, another zookeeper, on his first day of work, accidentally wandered into a restricted lion enclosure where he was immediately attacked by 3 lions. Luckily, the man lived, but he is still recovering from his injuries.

It seems to me that zoos in China really need to lay down a few simple ground rules to protect their workers and patrons. For instance, maybe a program where you get your picture taken with a wild tiger, isn't a great idea. I would suggest pictures with a man dressed like a tiger or a tiger-like cardboard cut out. I also think that if you are going to "milk" the gall bladders of wild bears to sell their bile to be made into wines and shampoos, maybe an "animal sedation before bile extraction" procedure should be put into place. Finally, maybe a map of the wild animal park should be put into every new zookeeper orientation packet. You know, just a quick Xerox copy with "x" over the enclosures that are full of man-eating lions.

In all seriousness, our hearts go out to the families of the injured and deceased. It is sad to see tragedy stem from sheer stupidity. All you can hope is that somebody somewhere has learned something that will prevent any of these sorts of incidents from happening again. Sigh.

*Dave is the anonymous source we mention above.