It is Our Honor to Present...

Say you got a dead fish in the mail, and the dead fish was covered in white powder, and we live in an era of post 9/11 paranoia, what would you do? If you are Maureen McCarthy, a senior adviser for weapons of mass destruction intelligence programs at the Department of Homeland Security, you would put the fish (white powder and all) in your car, drive your car to your workplace, and park your car full of white powder covered dead fish threat under the ventilation shaft for your building. The FBI closed McCarthy's building on Friday while they investigated the incident.

To her credit, she did call the security department for the building and ask them what to do, so the incident might not be 100% her fault. Also to, answer my own question, if I got a dead fish covered in white powder in the mail, I would probably eat it as I'm much more worried about the economy than I am about terrorism. I'd also send a thank you note to Jono and Brennan since they are my best guesses for the senders.

*Thanks to Reebs for the Hot Tip!

A Tara-bly AWESOME Idea for What You Can Get ME!

If you have been sitting around wondering just what to get me as a housewarming gift, here's an idea...Tara Reid! She had been pedaling her appearance in Australia for $30K, but when there were no takers, she dropped the asking price to a mere $3,500. That is downright CHEAP.

I'm not sure if anyone reads this blog, but if they do, and there are like a thousand of you out there, you could get me Tara Reid for only $3.50 each. That is one less Happy Meal for you and a lifetime of happy memories for me.

Think it over. Having Tara Reid come to my housewarming party would be so amazing that this blog would probably explode because there is absolutely nothing that could happen on earth that would top that. I would never again have anything to write about. Yes, this could work.

Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest

I don't have time to make Tarable Idea Certificates for all of these so here's a run down on all things stupid:

• Congratulations Deana F. Jarrett, 54, of Redmond, Washington, you are the drunkest driver in the history of the State*! After 2 consecutive car accidents, Jarrett was pulled over by police who administered a breathalyzer test, revealing that her blood alcohol was .47, almost 6 times the legal limit (.08 in WA)! A check of the 356,000 tests on file with the Washington State Police showed that Deana F. Jarrett is in fact the drunkest driver on record! Congratulations Deana, I hope this award helps you woo a pretty girlfriend in prison!
  

• Paul White, 38, and Ryan Ogle, 25 of Pomona, California accidentally called the police while trying to send an urgent "911" code to their drug dealer. Police traced the call and dispatched an officer to investigate. When the officer arrived he found White and Ogle waiting patiently for their dealer...with a stolen car full of burglary tools. Genius. (p.s. I really can't believe this has happened twice.)

• At a campaign event in Summerville, S.C., Republican Presidential hopeful John McCain (who I used to like) answered a question about when the U.S. is going to send an "airmail message to Tehran" with a musical parody! McCain cleverly changed the words of the classic Beach Boys tune "Barbara Ann" to "Bomb Iran" and was greeted with laughter and cheers from the audience. More proof for my theory that America hasn't learned anything in the last 6 years and we are totally going to war with Iran. Sigh.

*Records only available since 1998.

And The Award Goes To...

It has been awhile since we have given out one of these, but I felt this story warranted recognition.

A middle school teacher from Murray, Kentucky was arrested last week and charged with conspiracy to traffic in controlled substances within 1,000 feet of a school, possession of marijuana and possession of drug paraphernalia after accidentally texting a request for drugs to a state trooper instead of her dealer. The teacher, Ann Greenfield, texted the trooper, Trevor Pervine, regarding the possible purchase of marijuana. After realizing the texts weren't a joke, Pervine set up a plan to meet Greenfield and exchange the goods. When she arrived for the meeting, she was placed under arrest. The Kentucky State Police Spokesman, Barry Meadows, had this to say about the incident:

“She learned her lesson. Program your dealers into your phone."

Well said Mr. Meadows, well said.

Drum Roll Please...

While we can't confirm this from a reputable source (I found this article on E Canada Now and China Daily), the world is all a-buzz that Britney Spears is planning to adopt a baby from Africa (mirroring her idol Madonna who kidnapped a baby from Africa just this week). So, Scooter and I play this game called "Would You Rather" and this is a PERFECT scenario:

Would you rather live in an African Orphanage or have Kevin Federline and Britney Spears as your parents?

Tough call, but definitely a Tara-ble idea (even if it isn't true, it came from somewhere and wherever that somewhere is, it is a land of tara-ble ideas and should be recognized as such).

Here's a Winner...

I'm not gonna beat a dead horse. I'm days behind on this one and most of you already know the story...but have you read the Instant Messages? Beware, that link is sorta NSFW. The interesting news is that he checked himself into rehab for alcoholism today. I know lots of guys who do stupid things when they are drunk (like I have one friend who thinks he knows Kung Fu...he doesn't), but I haven't met anyone who gets drunk and suddenly decides to send sexually explicit instant messages/e-mails to underaged boys. In the words of my Kung Fu loving friend "Everybody has their vice." Too bad for Mark Foley that his vice is a few years shy of legal. To Mark Foley...and his truly Tara-ble idea.

And Today's Winner Is....

A car dealership in Ohio is the recipient of today's "Tara-ble Idea Award"*. The winning idea was a promotional campaign that sought to reel in buyers with a commercial where the dealership declares "Jihad on the American Auto Market!". To continue with the theme, children who came shopping with their parents would be given plastic swords, and best of all, every Friday would be "Fatwa Friday" featuring special deals and discounts! After a "deluge" of complaints and an edict from the Mitsubishi Motors Company, the dealer has agreed to pull the commercial. Culturally offensive advertising campaigns...a truly Tara-ble idea.

*The "Tara-ble Idea Award" is a new feature of the GTB honoring ideas that have a certain Tara Reid essence about them. There is no monetary prize associated with this award. The only criterion is that and idea be a blatantly bad one. If would like to nominate an idea, please contact us (currently the best way to do that is to post a comment in the comments section).