Pack your Bags Kiddies!

Stephen Hawking, arguably the smartest man on the planet, thinks it is time to give up on Earth and start colonizing other planets. While he doesn't go so far as to say that things are looking grim here on the mother planet, he just mentioned that "Sooner or later disasters such as an asteroid collision or a nuclear war could wipe us all out...But once we spread out into space and establish independent colonies, our future should be safe." I'm not as worried about the nuclear war thing. Now that we have cut off Kim Jong Il's supply of jet skis and cigarettes, we should be ok with that for a bit, but the asteroid thing is troubling.

Hawking didn't really give any idea about how earth should go about starting the colonization process, just a vague reference that sounded sort of like "They did it on Star Trek, so we shouldn't have a problem."

It worries me that the smartest man alive is telling us we need to abandon earth, but didn't really have any feasible plan to get that accomplished. If the asteroid comes...AWESOME BLOGGERS get preferential treatment for living space on Mir. Sorry to the rest of you SUCKERS!

Taking a Different Route with Kim Jong Il

You may remember that when the US thought that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, we invaded their country, deposed their leader, and started a civil war*. Turns out they didn't have those WMD's, but Saddam is one crazy bitch so it is good he is gone, but in general, Iraq is a mess. Now, North Korea does have weapons, or at least they are working on some. We know they have weapons because they tell us they have weapons. Then they tell us they are going to test those weapons. Then they do test those weapons. Then those tests fail so they test them again. Then they remind us...often...that they are working on getting those weapons to work so that they have the option to destroy us.

Let's review, North Korea DOES have weapons, but mayhaps after learning a little lesson in Iraq, the US doesn't want to rush into something drastic (we also don't really have the money or military resources to do anything at all right now). Instead, the US, with the cooperation of the UN, are planning to impose some rather creative trade sanctions on North Korea and it's leader Kim Jong Il, doppleganger to Sofia Loren. The plan cut off access to all the things that make his life "The Fabulous Life of Kim Jong Il". Here are a few items on the list of North Korea No Go's: cognac, Rolex watches, cigarettes, artwork, expensive cars, Harley Davidson motorcycles, Ipods, plasma TV's, yachts, and Jet Skis. It is known that Kim Jong Il likes the finer things so the new sanctions are sure to be, at the very least, irritating. I guess it can't hurt right? Might not actually make him abandon his nuclear weapons program, but at least we know he'll be giving out crap this Holiday Season.

As a side note, in researching this article I discovered that Kim Jong Il owns a copy of the groundbreaking and heartwarming classic "The Bodyguard" starring Whitney Houston. Kind of makes me want to go to Kim Jong Il's place for movie night. But it won't be as much fun without the cognac and cigarettes.

*Iraq may or may not or may be engaged in a civil war.

Bam Chick-a Growl Wowwww…

Most of you know that pound for pound, pandas are my favorite animal. My lifelong goal is to have one come to live with me at my parent’s house. Alas, pandas aren’t like dogs. I can’t just go down to my local pound and say “I’d like one panda, no rabies, please”. There aren’t so many pandas in the world right now that they need loving homes to take them in. Lucky for me, this may not always be the case.

Pandas are what I like to call “self-extinctive”*. This means that they have little desire to reproduce and when they do manage to successfully get themselves knocked up, they are notoriously bad parents. The panda-tologists in China have found an exciting way to help encourage pandas to mate. They show them panda porn. DVD’s of other pandas mating. For instructional purposes only of course. In just 5 years, Chinese panda-tologists have helped to triple the birth rate of pandas in captivity using this slightly unconventional technique, which they have compared to “teaching a monkey how to smoke, by showing him a video of a human doing so.” (I didn’t know this was done, but it makes me want to get a monkey and teach it how to smoke. Then I could be like “Hey, this is my smoking monkey. Give me all your money.”)

Now that they have found a potential solution to the “desire to mate” problem, they plan to release a series of instructional DVD’s for new Panda moms to help them cope with the challenges of first-time parenthood. Some scheduled titles include “That Squealing 5 oz Beast is Your Baby, Don’t Squash it, Just Love It!”, “How to Not Kill Your Baby: Tips for The New Panda Mom”, and “Throwing Baby out of the Den Makes Baby Dead: A Cautionary Tale”. I plan to get all three off of Netflix.

*Not a scientific term.
**Thanks to my Mom for the tip.

A Sunny Beautiful Winter...Brought to You By Global Warming

Bad news. This week the Supreme Court is hearing a case brought against the EPA by 12 States, a slew of big cities, and at least a dozen environmental groups. The States, et al. (spearheaded by Massachusetts) are attempting to force the EPA to regulate Carbon Dioxide emissions from automobiles. It is their belief that Carbon Dioxide contributes to “Global Warming” by being the main “greenhouse gas”. The United States, with about 4.5% of the world’s population, accounts for 25% of the world’s "greenhouse gas" emissions. This would be a problem if "greenhouse gases" were doing something awful like selling toys that kill children or threatening the livelihood of the entire planet. Which they aren’t. “Global Warming” is liberal junk science.*

The government will argue that “the EPA should not be required to “embark on the extraordinarily complex and scientifically uncertain task of addressing the global issue of greenhouse gas emissions” when other ways are available to tackle climate change.”

I for one agree with the Bush administration. Why should the Environmental Protection Agency be charged with the really tough job of protecting the environment? Especially since 75% of the problem comes from the other 95.5% of the world’s population. Why is everyone always asking US to clean up THEIR mess? Rather than give up our cars, which clearly we need to get around, why don’t we try some of the other “ways available to tackle climate change”? Maybe some sort of Earth cooling ray or world-wide dry ice distribution? If things are getting too hot for people in India and Africa, we could send them to live on the Russian Space Station, Mir, or to Antarctica which has real potential to transform from a huge ugly mass of ice to a possibly fabulous vacation destination spot! See, all of these good ideas and none of them require sacrifice from me.

I would also like to point out that it is a balmy 70 degrees here outside of D.C. today and I enjoyed a really nice walk on my lunch break. Thanks Global Warming! Those hippies in Massachusetts should stick to what they know best, gay marriage.

*It is not. There is a 99% chance the planet is going to die and I am terrified.

All We Are Saying Is Give Wreath a Chance

If you hate peace, Christmas, and free speech I know just the town for you! Pagosa Springs, Colorado. It is just a hop, skip, and a jump from Denver (site of the latest season of the Real World...not that I watch the Real World). Why should all you haters move there? A resident of the Loma Linda subdivision of Pagosa Springs is facing up to $1,000 in fines for hanging a wreath in the shape of a peace symbol on her home (see left). The Homeowners Association ordered her to remove the wreath after receiving calls from angry residents who believe the wreath to be anti-Iraq War or even...duh duh duhhhhh...satanic. Some residents of Loma Linda have children serving in Iraq and feel that the wreath doesn't show the support that the community feels for its deployed sons and daughters. Uh, maybe I'm missing something, but if you have a child in the military, shouldn't PEACE BE THE ONE THING YOU WANT THIS CHRISTMAS?!?!? How is hoping that things calm down in the world so we can get our servicemen and women home safely ANTI-"The Troops"? Should we be hoping for more wars so the troops can have more work? More opportunities for travel to exotic locales?

I'm all for having people remove things that are offensive from their property. For instance, my neighbor who had a deer head in his trash can for a few weeks until his dog got hold of it and dragged it all over the yard...definitely should have been fined. Having someone take down a symbol of peace during a time when so many groups are fighting so many wars that it is hard to keep track of who is fighting who and why they are fighting, seems a bit...I don't know...what's the word I'm looking for...rhymes with Bashist...yeah, you know the one.

Guess I'll have to cancel that holiday trip I was planning to Pagosa Springs. Sigh.

Sea Lions Eat People

Before any of you has a chance to write me and complain, yes, I know that we have done a lot of stories about animals acting crazy. It isn't our fault that animals keep doing uncharacteristically hilarious things (ie. sturgeon who hurl themselves at jet skiers, otters that attack women and attempt to drag them to their underwater lairs, and most recently, apes that pull fire alarms). This time, the animal in question is the ever dangerous sea lion. The sea lion in question lives in San Francisco and has attacked at least 14 people and driven another 10 from the water. So far, nobody has been seriously injured, but the city has closed down the swimming area to give the perpetrator a chance to relax and maybe leave. The part of the story that struck me is the reason that "scientists" are giving for such odd behavior: "Experts say the rogue sea lion could be protecting his harem of mates or might have brain damage from toxic algae."

I have a couple of questions. First, the sea lion has a harem? Interesting. Who knew that sea lions were the Hugh Hefners of the ocean?! Neat fact. I like to think about the dude sea lion sittin’ in his sea lion cave, in his sea lion smokin’ jacket, orderin’ bitches around. Second, and most importantly, the sea lion may have BRAIN DAMAGE FROM TOXIC ALGAE?!?!? Should people be swimming somewhere that toxic algae is making sea lions go so insane that they try to eat people? My training as an Aquatic Biologist says no, but my love of the FOX Network’s famous docu-drama “When Animals Attack” says… YES.

Iowa Monkey Business

A mischievous tenant at the Great Ape Trust of Iowa is in trouble today for pulling the fire alarm in the Ape House for the second time in 2 months. The Bonobo Ape named Panbanisha saw a workman accidentally pull the alarm awhile back, saw the flurry of activity it caused, and decided to try it herself…twice. Her caretakers claim she was only looking for attention and sat down with her to discuss the matter. They “explained the danger of such mischief and Panbanisha promised not to do it again.” They also agreed that the next time she is experiencing feelings of loneliness or boredom, she will get the attention of her caretakers by throwing fecal matter at their faces.

An End to Hunger in America

Attention GTB readers, we have some huge news to share with you today. HUGE NEWS. Hunger in America is over. Done. There are no more hungry children, or hungry families, or hungry elderly people. Hunger in America is over. And not because there are no longer people in America who don't have food to eat. We just aren't calling it hunger anymore. The US Department of Agriculture has decided it will no longer refer to Americans who don't have enough to eat as "hungry". Henceforth they shall be known as "Food Insecure" or experiencing "very low food security". Makes you wonder what they will call the 25,000 people who die of "very low food security" everyday worldwide? "Life Challenged"? I might be wrong but making a global crisis "sound better", maybe isn't the best way to go about fixing it? But then again, what do I know.

*Thanks to Jenny for the tip.

OJ Simpson Still In Search of the "Real Killers"

Guess who wrote a book…OJ Simpson. Guess what it is about…how he would have murdered Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman…if he had done it, which he didn’t. Guess who is going to air a 2-hour interview where the Juice will promote his book and share some of the gory details you’ll be able to find in its pages…FOX. Shocker.

OJ took some time off from “finding the real killers” to pen this thriller conveniently titled, “If I did It, Here’s How it Happened” where he reveals exclusive details about the murder he didn’t commit. Since he wasn’t convicted in a criminal court, there is nothing that prevents Simpson from profiting from his crime (and it would only be a crime if he had killed Nicole and Ron, which he didn’t, obviously. If he had killed them, could he have written a book about how he WOULD have killed them?? I think not. If he had killed them, this book would actually be a confession, but it isn’t, it’s a hypothetical thriller. So obviously he couldn’t have done it. Duh.) OJ, and his publisher, and FOX for that matter, stand to make a bundle off of this one.

I don’t know why other wrongly accused people don’t do this. For instance, John Mark Karr could write a book called “What I Would Have Done”. Maybe innocent people don’t write books about how they would commit the crimes they are accused of because it makes them look…what’s the word…oh that’s right…guilty.

I guess all we can hope is that the book will draw the “real killer” out of the shadows. Maybe whoever “really killed” Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, will come out and write a book called “What OJ Got Totally Wrong About That Murder I Did in That Book He Wrote About How He Would Have Committed It”. I’m sure FOX will interview that guy too.

Bishops to Gays: Welcome to our church!

Guidelines adopted by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops on Tuesday acknowledged that gays and lesbians do not choose their sexual orientation and gay and lesbian "inclinations" are not sinful.

Wow! That's Fantastic! I finally feel welcomed in the Catholic Church again.

Wait.....

Hold on a second....

I forgot to read the entire article......

My bad, they still hate gays. According to the church's new policy being gay and being attracted to men is fine and you are born that way. Regardless of that, shut the hell up. If you have to, you can tell your close friends and family, but that's the extent of it. Oh, and of course, you can't act on your God given feelings(Gross. Disgusting) as such acts "cannot fulfill the natural end of human sexuality" (that tired old line again).

If you follow all of the above, then you are welcomed in the Catholic Church. Now THAT'S Christianity.

For all our right-leaning GTB fans out there, please spare me the we "hate the sin, not the sinner" B.S. I don't buy it. Hating me for my "sin" is just as hurtful as hating me. Plain and Simple.

-Scooter

The War is Over!

The GTB has scooped another story.

From the Army: "We're not at war. War ended a long time ago."

We're bringing our boys and girls home! The war is over!

Yes that's right, the war is over. Don't believe me? Well I suggest you go down to your local Army recruiting office and ask them yourselves. This is what young men and women inquiring at recruiting offices are being told.

Ok, well ABC News has scooped this story, but in good GTB fashion we're taking this news to the streets.

Among other things you've always wanted to know from an Army Recruiter but were afraid to ask:

-Drug Addicted High School Dropouts are welcome in the Army (but no Fags please!)
-If you don't like the Army, you can just leave. It's that easy.

We joke about this, but in all honesty this is not funny. Not in the least bit. Men and Woman are putting their lives on the line every day in Iraq and the war is far from OVER and people are still being sent to Iraq. In fact the pentagon is working on plans to redeploy some national guard troops, a move contrary to previous military decision.

Young men and women considering military service are to be commended for considering service to their nation and should not be tricked or deceived into service. The U.S. Army (again, the institution, not the individual service members) and the recruiters who speak for them should be ashamed of themselves.

Electronic Voting Machine Error May Force Overturn of Election Results!

The results of the Waldenburg, Arkansas Mayoral election are being called into question after one candidate discovered that some votes cast for him may not have been counted*.

Randy Wooten knows that he received at least 1 vote in last Tuesday’s election, because he voted for himself. However, when his wife went to City Hall to review the election results, the tally showed that Wooten had received zero votes. The incumbent mayor and a third challenger each received 18 votes (Population of Waldenberg, AK = 80) and a run-off for these 2 challengers is scheduled for the end of the month. Wooten claims that 8 or 9 people also told him they had cast their votes for him (liars) and is contemplating a legal challenge of the results. Waldenburg uses electronic voting machines, but paper ballots were also made available.

If Wooten chooses to take this case to court, he may be able to expose some of the loopholes that are rumored to plague electronic voting technology. He also may be able to expose the holes in his marriage since clearly his wife didn’t vote for him, and in his friendships since at least 10% of the population of his town lied to him about who they had voted for.

*I bet that headline scared you into reading this story because you thought when I said “Overturn” I might be talking about a race you actually cared about and if this is the case…to you I say…shame on you, all elections are important to someone. Jerk.

David Copperfield Fights Crime with MAGIC

David Copperfield performed an incredible trick this week…making 3 teenagers disappear from West Palm Beach, Florida, and reappear…in JAIL.

A few months back, while leaving a show, the World Famous Illusionist and 2 lady assistants were approached by 3 teenage boys who attempted to rob them. The lady assistants handed over their belongings without incident, but when the teens approached Copperfield, he turned out his pockets to reveal…emptiness. In actuality he was carrying his passport, wallet, and cell phone. He told the judge that it “wasn’t difficult to make it seem like nothing was there.” (then there was a loud bang, and the courtroom filled with smoke, and when the smoke cleared, the judge was sitting naked on the witness stand and David Copperfield was sitting in the judge's chair with the gavel and all of the robes and power and stuff*).

How dumb do you have to be to try to rob David Copperfield and then believe him when he shows you that his pockets are empty? The man made the Statue of Liberty disappear! He levitated over the Grand Canyon! He WALKED THROUGH THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA! Of course he had his wallet, cell phone, and passport on him somewhere. Hell! If they had patted him down he was probably carrying a pirate’s chest full of gold, a couple of Picasso paintings, and no less then 87 lbs of diamonds. I mention these items because in researching David Copperfield I discovered that he consistently makes $57 Million a year (about what I make) and is routinely on the list of the top 10 highest paid celebrities in the world. Amazing since I thought he was dead.

The teen would be robbers will be spending a couple years in jail. They hope to finish high school from prison, but something tells me these guys…not so smart. One lawyer commented that his client “is remorseful for what occurred, has told the truth about his involvement and would like everything to disappear.” Presumably pun intended.

*That didn't actually happen, but it would have been a really AWESOME trick.

Happy Birthday Good Times Blog!

This is our 100^th post! We are growing up so fast! Feel free to share your favorite memories from our first 100 posts in the comments section. We look forward to serving our readers with healthy and delicious portions of political commentary, celebrity gossip, and late-breaking absurdity for hundreds of posts to come. You, our readers, make all the effort worth it. You are the reason this blog is full of so many Good Times.

With Love and Appreciation,

Scooter & LuLu

If it Looks Like a Duck and Walks Like a Duck...

The election is over, but let’s try to keep the fiery momentum that politics elicit from you all for something a little more “GTB”.

Britney Spears (who recently filed for a divorce from famous nobody K-Fed…who, by the way, CNN lists as “rapper Kevin Federline”, uh, I don’t think so…after requesting said divorce via text message) was suing US Weekly for defamation after they published a story mentioning the existence of a Britney/K-Fed sex tape. I say “was suing” because the suit was tossed out of court this week. Why you ask? Well, according to the judge, if you portray yourself as a big ho, you can’t scream defamation when someone suggests you may have made a sex tape. The judge used a lot nicer legal jargon, but essentially she ruled, “You can’t ruin someone’s reputation if they have already done it for themselves.”

In other news, approximately 19 seconds after Britney filed for divorce, a 19 second clip of her non-existent sex tape showed up on the internet. No confirmation that it is actually Brit, but it looks a lot like her and conveniently enough, the man she had just sent back to the trailer park does have a copy. Hmmm…I smell a conspiracy…but I wonder if K-Fed knows what the internet is. It is more likely that he melted his copy of the tape in his toaster trying to make breakfast. If he did leak it, there is a lesson in this, if you are planning to ruin somebody’s life, get the copy of your sex tape back from them first.

I will give Brit props for cleaning herself up a bit. It looks like she is readying herself for a long-awaited comeback. Hopefully the divorce means we won’t have to hear K-Fed on her new album.

Good Times Blog P.S.A #4

This is P.S.A. number 4 reminding you that if you haven't voted yet to get out there now and do your civic duty:

Lulu and Jenny are faced with the choice of Ben Cardin or Michael "I pretend not to be a republican shill but really am" Steele (No Brainer); Martin O'Malley or Bob "I like to falsely paint myself as a moderate even though I don't even support gay families making medical decisions for each other" Ehrlich (um, no brainer).

Captain Adventure, D, Jackie and Others have the honor of casting a vote against Senator George "Macaca" Allen (Lucky).

Even our friend Ritchie, who I don't even think knows this blog exists (poor sod) is voting in a competitive race in Tennessee.

Of course, if you are a resident of the District of Columbia like myself and Fumbles, by all means get out there and vote. There are a bunch of already determined races or positions that hold no power that need your vote. Adrian Fenty is running against some guy whose name I don't remember. And Eleanor Holmes Norton is running unopposed for a position in Congress that has no power (by power I of course mean vote). Oh and don't forget the Board of Ed.

Again just a friendly reminder that over half a million Americans are getting the shaft today, and every two years in November where they are reminded that although they pay federal taxes, they have no influence or representation in congress. "Good Times".

-Scooter

Today is the Day!

This morning, Scooter and I realized something about ourselves. We follow politics like some people follow sports. We hate football and have never really understood the allure. That is until today's sudden realization that politics IS our football, which makes Election Day our SUPER BOWL. The one big difference is that on Super Bowl Sunday people look forward to seeing the commercials, on Election Day, we get excited for the commercials to end. No more scary voices talking about how one candidate or another loves pedophiles or anthrax or has spent billions of dollars funding terrorism. No more push polls or robocalls. No more yard signs or heated debates. We wait for election day for an entire year, but by the time it arrives, like most people, we can't wait for it to be over.

Since we LOVE politics and we want this election to be over, we know you are probably sick of it too. So rather than pass along who or what you should vote for this election day (if you are reading this blog, you probably care enough to research your vote before you cast it and as long as you did your research, we don't care who you vote for*), we thought we would pass on a little election day humor.

NPR's "Marketplace Players" had a hilarious take on ballot initiative advertising. If you are sick of the ads and sick of the BS, swing over to THIS LINK and either listen or read the transcript. At the very least it will kill 2 minutes while you anxiously wait for the polls to close.

*That's a lie. We do care. If you are in VA...vote AGAINST the Marriage Amendment (it is mean-spirited and unnecessary) and FOR Jim Webb. In Maryland, just vote Democrat straight down the ballot, and vote FOR the Disposition of Park Lands. If you are in DC, get off your A and go vote for Fenty. How bad will you feel if he loses and he has to fire all those people he hired before he even got elected because you were too lazy to go vote? I don't think we know any of the 8 people who live in Missouri, but if we do and you are reading this blog, go vote for Claire McCaskill, she is in an incredibly tight race and I hear she is nice. Ritchie...Harold Ford needs your vote in TN. If you are in PA and you voted for Rick Santorum...stop reading, go to a mirror, and punch yourself directly in the face.

Ann Coulter Under Investigation for Super Boring Reason

Ann Coulter might be going to jail. It turns out that she may have knowingly voted in the wrong precinct during a February 7^th, Palm Beach Town Council election (yes, it is an election nobody cares about). That’s a felony. Unfortunately, this probably won’t pan out and I’ll admit it is kind of a witch hunt, but…if it wears pointy shoes and bakes little children in pies*, you should probably throw it in the river to see if it can swim.

Ann “Man Mitts” Coulter would make a pretty fantastic prison girlfriend for one (or more) lucky lady(s). Maybe if she found prison love she wouldn't be so furious and awful all the time. If you too would like to meet a very special incarcerated someone, click here.

*"bakes little children in pies” is of course Latin for “isn’t a very kind person.”

Kids Really Love Crappy Stuffed Animals

So I originally saw this story last week and made a mental note to follow up, share it with our esteemed readers, and maybe give it the “Tara-ble Idea Award”. On October 24th, 3-year-old Robert Moore of Antigo, WI was shopping with his grandmother. When his grandmother turned around for just a moment, the child climbed up the prize claim shoot of a claw machine and got himself stuck inside. Eventually he was freed by rescue personnel (your tax dollars at work). This alone is a hilarious enough story to share, but what made it really interesting is that the article included pictures, not just of Robert Moore, but of MULTIPLE children stuck inside of claw machines (mostly at Wal-marts).

I laughed and made a note to post this story when I got a chance. When I went back to find the story this morning, a DIFFERENT story popped up. Five-year-old Joshua Walke of Abilene, TX got stuck in a claw machine 2 days after Robert Moore. That’s 2 kids stuck in claw machines this week. In fact, so many of these same stories popped up when I googled “boy stuck in claw machine” that I couldn’t even sort them out. Turns out…this happens all the time (mostly at Wal-marts).

Now, I’m no claw machine engineer, but doesn’t it stand to reason that if little boys all over the country are climbing into these things and getting stuck, the design should be altered? Here’s what I would suggest…a one way trap door that swings down to let prizes fall, but can’t be pushed up so curious little boys without parental supervision can climb inside. Or maybe cover the toy drop trap door with metal spikes…or razor blades…or malaria.