The Good Times Blog Does Europe

Scooter and Lulu are taking their show on the road! Unfortunately for you, our loyal readers, we will be out of town on a whirlwind trip of Europe starting July 24th. No worries, Lulu will return August 5th (and Scooter shortly thereafter) for much more good times. We'll try to post from the road, but no guarantees. We'll miss you, but probably not as much as you'll miss us.

Baby Dogs!
Scooter & Lulu

Prince George’s County Working on Public Image

Starting next month strip joints in Prince George’s County, MD will be required to license their operation through the PG County Police Department. In order to obtain a license, the clubs must comply with a couple of new laws:

Dancers can be nude, but must remain at least 6 feet from patrons.

Dancers must perform on a stage that is at least 18 inches off the ground.

Dancers cannot touch or be touched on various body parts. (We’ll leave which body parts up to your imagination).

The new laws were enacted in an attempt to improve Prince George’s County’s public image. When a City’s best slogan is “Come to PG County, Where we don’t let the Pervs touch the Strippers!” you know things are bad.

Scooter knows a secret about you

As a social psychologist I know things about most of you that even you don't know.

I know that you don't always know what you actually believe.

For example, did you know that since you're a liberal you are really glad that Jews are dying right now in Isreal. Well you do. It's a fact. You probably even toasted this fact and poured yourself a glass of wine (probably French).

How do I know this? Micheal Savage told me.

Oh, and you're also a Nazi. Good on ya!

-Scooter

** Image borrowed from http://www.shawnmcgough.com

The end results of having "just one more drink!"

Sticking with Lulu's theme of ignoring the scary scary reality of what's really going on in the world I stumbled across this story and thought I'd share it.

Louis Rosano, 39 of the Bronx passed out on the Rooftop deck of The Eagle (for our homosexually challenged readers that's a "chain" of popular leather gay bars). and found himself locked in to fend for himself when finally sobering up. Apparently not till lunch did the poor sap get rescued.

The best part is his comment to the incident; "You know they're supposed to check the club at closing," the bleary-eyed man said after the rescue. "Well, the idiots didn't."

Sounds like he had a good Tuesday night!

Could Clay Aiken be K.D. Lang?

The chances of lightning striking twice are…pretty small…I think…but the chances of the GTB stumbling upon 2 vast conspiracies of identity are slim to none. Alas, I’m here to tell you that we have bucked those odds and today I ask you…is it possible that Clay Aiken is actually K.D. Lang?

Here’s what I suspect happened. While between albums, K.D. Lang saw the instant success achieved by Kelly Clarkson after winning American Idol (America’s favorite reality talent show…besides Dancing with the D-List…uh, I mean Stars…Dancing with the Stars) and decided to investigate. Since American Idol is aimed at unknowns and K.D. has had her fair share of success, she decided she should audition under the pseudonym “Clay Aiken”. Surprisingly, she came in 2^nd place. Now she gets to tour the country breaking little girls hearts and touching the lives of millions. Using a scientific formula created by me, I would say with 95% certainty that K.D. Lang and Clay Aiken are the same person. My only misgiving is that Clay Aiken has a "Constant Craving" for men*, while K.D. Lang is a lesbian. Maybe while she is Clay Aiken she likes dudes and while she is K.D. Lang she likes the ladies? Sort of like when Clark Kent takes off his glasses.

*While he has been caught soliciting sex from men on the internet, Clay Aiken is not officially gay. For now.

**Thanks to D and her eagle eye for catching this and passing along the tip for inspection.

The Pen Is Mightier Than the Sword: How George W. Bush Ruined My Day

Today is a happy day for hundreds of thousands of embryos that can rest comfortably in their frosty jars knowing that they will never be poked or prodded in the name of scientific advancement. It is however a sad day for everyone who might have benefited from their existence. The majority of the embryos that George W. Bush “saved” with a quick whip of his pen today, will never become children. In fact, most of them will probably be destroyed, having served no purpose but to take up space on the shelf of an industrial freezer. Nice work Dubya! You’ll certainly go down in the history books for this one. Too bad those history books will probably all be in Chinese since they will undoubtedly use their embryonic stem cell program to create superhumans and finally succeed in world domination.

In all seriousness though, this is a sad day for science, a sad day for America, a sad day for the human race, and a sad day in the fight to value every life equally and without bias.

Congress to Finally Address Issues Important To You

As I mentioned before, it seems like in the last few days the world has gone to crap, but fear not, you can sleep soundly tonight knowing that Congress will soon address some of the issues that have been keeping you awake. The House GOP is moving forward on what they refer to as their “American Values Agenda”, a list of session priorities that House Majority Leader, John Boehner’s website calls “freedom-based legislative initiatives”. Here’s what we’ll see up for debate in the coming months:

Pledge Protection Act (HR 2389; Rep. Akin)
Freedom to Display the American Flag Act(HR 42; Rep. Bartlett)
The Public Expression of Religion Act (HR 2679; Rep. Hostettler)
Marriage Amendment (HJRes 88; Rep. Musgrave)
Unborn Child Pain Awareness Act (HR 356; Rep. C. Smith)
Human Cloning Prohibition Act (HR 1357; Rep. D. Weldon)
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives Reform (HR 5092;
Rep. Coble) (contrary to what this SOUNDS like, it is actually about KEEPING guns on the streets)
Internet Gambling Prohibition (Reps. Leach & Goodlatte)
Disaster Recovery Personal Protection Act (HR 5013; Rep. Jindal)
Permanent Tax Relief for Families

Um, what the F?!? Did Wal-Mart have a blue-light half-price bargain bin 4^th of July sale on crappy bills? I don’t stay awake at night worried that someone will take away my right to hang up my American Flag. I stay awake wondering if my phone has been illegally tapped, if North Korea is going to bomb us, and what Osama will do if he finds out I’m a former Rotarian. See a description of these bills, here. Only Kevin Federline wastes this much time doing absolutely nothing of value for society. But I don’t care as much because our taxes don’t pay Kevin Federline to be useless, Britney does, and look what we call HER behind her back.

*Thanks to Captain Adventure for the tip!

I Pity the Fool Who Doesn’t Help the Hurricane Victims!

Mr. T., most famous for his role on The A-Team, telling us not to do drugs, and being incredibly awesome, has decided he will no longer wear his trademark gold jewelry. Mr. T. is shedding his bling as a show of support for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Here’s what he had to say about the costume change:

"As a spiritual man, I felt it would be a sin against my God for me to wear all that gold again because I spent a lot of time with the less fortunate. I saw some, I call it `sorry celebrities.' They'll go down there [to New Orleans] and hook up with the people to take a photo-op. I said, `How disgusting.' If you're not going to go down there with a check and a hammer and a nail to help the people, don't go down there."

Notice how he doesn’t say he’s going to GIVE the gold to the less fortunate, just not rub their faces in his wealth by wearing it while he helps them rebuild their hurricane-ravaged homes and businesses? In the words of my friend Meg who tipped me off to this new development in gold-plated fashion, “I am still trying to understand how Mr T taking off his gold chains will make the less fortunate feel better...”

Celebrate Your Loved One…By turning them Into Stunning Jewelry

There is an accepted opinion that there are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It turns out that there is now a 6^th stage of the grieving process: having the carbon molecules from your loved one turned into a diamond. If you choose to observe this last step, LifeGem can help. LifeGem takes the ashes from your loved one, human or pet, extracts their carbon, and through a process too complicated to explain, creates a rare and precious diamond. The process of turning carbon into a diamond takes the earth millions of years, but LifeGem’s advanced scientific methods take only 6-9 months.

In addition to creating LifeGem Memorial diamonds for people who have lost a person or pet, the company has recently announced that it will start making celebrity diamonds. The first celebrity to be reborn as a precious gem will be world-famous composer Ludwig van Beethoven! Using locks of Beethoven’s hair, LifeGem will create 3 diamonds, sure to be the rarest and most valuable on earth. These diamonds will initially go on display in museums, but will eventually be auctioned off with all proceeds going towards creating LifeGem diamonds for underprivileged and military families.

I’m not going to knock a family or individual who chooses to have their loved one turned into an indestructible diamond. I think that people should cope with grief in whatever way provides them hope and comfort. In fact, my work provides me with a huge life insurance policy; I have no dependents, so maybe I will instruct my family to use this money to turn me into a beautiful diamond. I also think it is a nice thought to give an underprivileged family a LifeGem memorial diamond, but do you really want to set up a situation where a family has to choose between paying the mortgage and pawning their loved one?

*Thanks to Fumbles for the tip.

German Babies LOVE America

Too Easy.

*Thanks to Bucket for the tip.

Nothing Good Happened Today, Here's an Aaron Carter Story to Cheer you up!

Scooter and I have been on the look out for things to post today and honestly, it seems like the world has gone crazy. Israel is bombing Lebanon, N. Korea and Iran are both throwing temper tantrums over their nuclear programs, Valerie Plame is suing Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, we’re fighting with Russia, and finding anything funny to write about has been tough. It is times like these when I pull out my old standby. If I’m feeling down or dismayed, I simply think of the time earlier this year when Aaron Carter (younger and slightly less domestically violent brother of Backstreet Boy Nick Carter) ran over a mattress with his Cadillac Escalade and his car exploded:

“Access Hollywood' spoke with Aaron Carter following his near fatal SUV accident after the singer drove over a mattress in his Cadillac Escalade. The mattress caused a fire underneath the car. Aaron was able to pull the car over and exit shortly before the car exploded. Carter was trying to extinguish the flames with water bottles when the entire car blew up from the bottom, blowing out all of the windows. "I am so lucky to be alive right now," Aaron told 'Access'. " I can't believe I survived another near death experience -- I feel like I am a cat and I only have five lives left! I am still in shock over everything that just happened, but I really want to thank all the policemen and emergency workers who rushed to help me. Also, the support of my father, lawyer and friends are really helping me to stay positive."

Scooter pointed out that if he was a cat, he’d have 9 lives, so far we’ve only been able to find one other near death experience (a near drowning when he was a child. Maybe he counts that time he slept over Michael Jackson's house as 2?). My math says he has 7 lives left, but I hope his math is right.

Habla Ingles, O no se permite votar!

The Voting Rights act needs to be renewed this year or it will expire. One would assume that you couldn't find a more bipartisan "pass with a unanimous vote" bill for everyone to get behind.

Fast Forward!

Pander, Pander, Pander.

The bill is being held up by some southern republicans in congress who want to change the law. What changes you ask? Well for one, an amendment, sponsored by Rep. Steve King, R-Iowa, would strike the act's requirement that jurisdictions with high populations of voters who speak languages other than English print multilingual ballots. Of course, the obvious should be stated that these are LEGAL AMERICAN CITIZENS who perhaps don't have a full grasp on english, these are not Illegal Immigrants.

I know what can of worms this will open but last time I checked, there was no official language in the United States (That language presumably being English. I mean, bilingual ballots. Come on. We all know bilingualism leads to disaster. Look what happened to Canada.

Funny how all of this comes up right when immigration, a real problem, is being manipulated as an election year issue.

I was gonna end this with a contact your representatives call to action. Luckily three of the four ammendments have recently failed by voice vote

Oh Right! THAT’S Why I didn’t Want to Go to Prison in Pakistan!

A 40-year old Pakistani man, in jail for 4 years after being convicted for making liquor, is resting comfortably (ok, he has been for a few weeks, I just found this) after having a light bulb removed from his anus. Lucky for him, the light bulb didn’t break and doctors were able to remove the object without complication. The inmate claims he was drugged by guards or fellow inmates who then inserted the bulb. I don’t know who’s bright idea this was (pun intended), but whatever happened to the good old days where Pakistani Prison pranks were limited to “fake fly in your Lentils” and my personal favorite, “dead rat under your sleepin’ mat”?

GTB PSA #1 - THE HOFF NEEDS YOUR HELP

Periodically, Scooter and I will be posting Good Times Blog Public Service Announcements (GTB PSAs). These are things that we believe you, our ENORMOUS readership, must be made aware of in order to avoid delinquency or dereliction of duty.

This link was included as part of a comment under my original post on how much I love the Hoff, his music, his videos, and the joy and harmony he brings to planet earth. Since not all of you read the comments, I thought I needed to bring this to your attention. As I mentioned in my post, the Hoff is having a rough time. You can help him out by simply entering your e-mail address and eventually purchasing his AMAZING single, Looking for Freedom. You'll help send the Hoff to the top of the charts AND you'll be able to add this mind-blowing symphonic masterpiece to the "favorites" playlist on your iPod. Click HERE to help the Hoff (make sure you read the FAQ...it is informative and hilarious).


*Yes. That is a DIFFERENT picture of The Hoff in a Speedo and Cardigan. Still just as sexy.

**Thanks to Robdraw for the tip!

US to Terrorists: "Leave Our Kangaroos Alone!"

You may have heard that Washington D.C. and New York City are hoppin’ mad about the recent cuts to their anti-terror funding. A report released on Tuesday, gives some indication of why those cities lost money in this year's budget. An “unreliable” database full of “quirky totals” is being used to “support allocation decision-making processes” at the Department of Homeland Security. The good news is…while the database indicates that New York City has "zero" national monuments or icons”, it has alerted the DHS to threats against an insect zoo and a Kangaroo Conservation Center. I didn't think anyone could want to hurt a kangaroo, but if Osama bin Laden can hate Rotary clubs, maybe I'm wrong?

Thanks to Bucket for the tip!

Where was Adam when Ann Strangled a Puppy?

Perhaps it was in response to Ann Coulter's recent assertion that Bill Clinton is all to blame for the North Korea Missile Firings (disclaimer: I'm not asserting that previous administrations are faultless for current problems, but more the emphasis that it CLEARLY has nothing to do with the inaction of the current administration for the past 6 years). Maybe it was because Anne "jokingly" suggested "We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice Stevens' Creme brulee". Or possibly it was because of her February 23, 2006 speech at Indiana University where she stated, ""Liberals hate God and hate America". It is very likely it was in response to Ann's reference to 4 9/11 widow's as Harpies that are "reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by grief-arazzis."

Regardless of why, Adam Carolla has finally answered the question, "What do you do if Ann Coulter comes knockin on your door (or calling on the phone)? Hang up on the Bitch.

Of course, I think none of the reasons/quotes above (all obtained from wikipedia) explain why Adam has beef with Ann Coulter. There is not one doubt in my mind that it's because Ann Coulter murdered a puppy on live television. She really did, i read it online. Check it out for yourself *********

(Looks like the Man upstairs is also done with Ann^^^^^)

******* The authencity and accuracy of the Bigfib.com website cannot at this time be verified. Although Scooter stands 100% behind all other statements made in this posting I have not witnessed said strangulation and must therefore warn fans of the goodtimes blog to use caution before believing everything they read. All of that said, Ann Coulter killed that puppy because he hated God & America.

^^^^^ Actual existence of billboard awaiting goodtimes verification.

Osama bin Laden Hates…Rotary Clubs?

I was flipping through Slate today and one article in particular caught my eye, “The Rotarian Menace: What does Osama have against Rotary clubs?” I was intrigued, but not just because I have visited the information table of my local Rotary Club at the state fair. No, what caught my attention is that my college roommate/favorite partner in crime and I were, at one time, Rotary Club HEROES.

In college, we did a LOT of charity work. That’s how we got mixed up with the Rotary Club (maybe that’s how they rope in all their new followers?). We were looking to raise money to help rebuild houses for the less fortunate, and the Rotary Club was willing to help. We ran coin drives, and auctions, and 5K/10K fundraiser races. The Rotary Club fell in love with us. They had never seen such “activism in college youth”. They even invited us to be guest speakers at one of their meetings. I still have the commemorative pen they gave me in appreciation. THESE are the Americans that Osama has a problem with???

Let me tell you a little bit about what goes on at a Rotary Club meeting. First off, ours were held in the dining hall of a nursing home at about 7 am (sinister, I know). When you walked in, there were a lot of elderly people in wheelchairs in the lobby just waiting for the Rotary Club to come for their meeting (since they could often engage at least a few of them in chat about the “good old days” on their way into or out of the building). We would order breakfast off the nursing home menu and chat about new and old business. Who was heading up which new volunteer project, who knew a police officer who might be interested in being a guest speaker on the topic of “Crime in Rural Maryland”. Lots of blue Rotary Club foam front trucker hats, lots of discussion on who had sold their farm, whose hardware store was having a sale, no talk about world domination or Muslim oppression…ever. I will grant you that even the most socially conscious 21 year old is going to miss a 7 am meeting or two. Maybe we missed the days where they talked about the exciting stuff. Or maybe Osama is getting some bad intel on who is and who isn’t a global threat. America knows it happens to the best of us!

Illustration Credit: Rob Donnelly

I Thought We Did That Already?

I went away for a wedding this weekend and just as I’m settling back into my routine I read this headline:

Rumsfeld Says Taliban Will Be Defeated

Uh, what? I thought we already defeated the Taliban? Now, I will admit that sometimes I’m not completely up to date on what regime is running what country in parts east of Maryland, but I could have sworn that the Taliban had been ousted. I distinctly remember having Gatorade dumped on me to celebrate our victory. Perhaps I misinterpreted something? Maybe I am crazy? High on opium? As I often do, I turned to Google for help. Turns out I’m not makin’ it up:

“In Afghanistan we defeated the Taliban regime, but that was just the first step. The liberation of that country was the beginning of the long and unrelenting struggle we have entered. America is a patient and determined country.” – George W. Bush, 7/4/02, WV 4^th of July Celebration Speech

“The United States and its coalition partners defeated the Taliban, put al Qaeda on the run and eliminated Afghanistan as the international hub for al Qaeda terrorist training.” – White House Press Release on Compliance with 9/11 Commission Recommendations, 7/30/04

Hell, even Rumsfeld said we had “moved from major combat activity to a period of stability and stabilization and reconstruction activities."

This wasn’t even all that came up! Dubya, Condi, Colin, Rummy, all of them said we did it! We’ve WON! It turns out that they might have spoken too soon. Now, I know can’t expect this administration to be “meticulous” about getting the "facts" straight before they start wars, but could they at least get their facts straight before they tell me we’ve won one? That Gatorade ruined my shirt and now I have 1,000 coffee mugs that say “We defeated the Taliban, what did YOU do today CANADA?” that I can't return. Thanks.

If Loving Him is Wrong, I Don’t Want to Be Right

Some people love their families, some people love their country, and some people, people like me, love David Hasselhoff. Now I love that other stuff too, but David Hasselhoff is what really puts the cream in my coffee. I loved him when he was on Knight Rider, I LOVED him on Baywatch, Baywatch Nights, and Baywatch Hawaiian Wedding, I loved him when he was an international singing sensation (mostly just in Germany)…and the list goes on and on. He’s been in the news recently after being (reportedly) ejected from Wimbledon, injuring himself on a hotel bathroom chandelier, and joining the panel of judges on America’s Got Talent. All of his recent press has reignited my fantastic love and admiration for America’s favorite lifeguard.

At lunch today we got on the topic of David (who was at one time going to put together a rap album under the handle “Hassel the Hoff”. The album was to be produced by Ice-T…Ice-T denies being involved in such a project) and my friend asked if I had seen his new video. I hung my head in shame. David Hasselhoff is my hero, but I didn’t know he had been working on anything new. I rushed back to my desk and spent the last precious minutes of my lunch hour catching up with my old friend and what I found can only be described as MAGNIFICENT. I honestly and truly believe that if you don’t watch these clips, something will always be missing in your life. You might not realize it now, but one day you will wake up in a cold sweat...mind racing…did I lose my car keys? My wallet? Did I leave my infant at the supermarket? No. What is missing from your life is the HOFF.

If you could bottle the energy that radiates from these clips, you could eliminate the world’s dependence on oil, put an end to war and human suffering, end starvation, and bring rights and equality to all of earth’s citizens. We could all live happily ever after in Hasseltopia where everyone wears bikinis or leather pants and fishing boats full of people in wheelchairs never accidentally pull undetonated mines out of the ocean with their fishing nets causing the boat and everyone on it to explode. You owe it to your family, your god, your country, and yourself to watch these. Don’t let me down.*

Hooked on a Feeling

Jump In My Car

Secret Agent Man

*I was curious about how David Hasselhoff could afford such stellar music video production and promotion. I did some digging, and it turns out he is worth over $100,000,000 thanks to his Baywatch royalties. He could pay Germany to love him if he wanted...but he doesn't have to because he is awesome.

We Gon Sip Bacardi Like It's Your Birthday

What do Nancy Reagan, 50 Cent, Dubya, Sly Stallone, and Tia/Tamera Mowry have in common? Today is their birthday!! Since (barring the whole Nancy/Dubya Presidency connection), they have absolutely nothing in common, I thought I would find out what the stars say are in store for them today:

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Thursday, July 6 - What's with all the self-doubt you've been battling lately? Today there's no room for it (and no need for it!). Your thoughts are not only valid, they're also correct! Look around you. You know you're the smartest person in the room, so why not just admit it? There's nothing wrong with speaking the truth, so open your mouth and reveal it. If you take control, no one is going to mind. In fact, people are eager to hear what you have to say -- and to follow your directions to the letter.

Oh Crap. We are totally going to war with North Korea. Good news is…this is the horoscope from the Washington Post and I’m sure Dubya doesn’t read that liberal rag.

To the rest of the party people…Nancy, thanks for telling us to “Just Say No To Drugs”. 50, thanks for showin’ us it is possible to get shot 9 times and live on to produce quality tunes like “Candy Shop”. Sly Stallone, I’ve never understood a single thing you have said. Tia/Tamera, I thought you were dead after “Sister Sister” ended, but according to the website where I found your birthday, you’ve been on some Lifetime show…keep up the good work?

Sofia Loren IS Kim Jong Il?!?!

I started to write 2 different posts for neat things that happened today. The first was to be titled: “Sofia Loren to Pose Nude, Also Maybe Made of Plastic”. This of course would have been about the fact that Sofia Loren has agreed to pose wearing only a pair of diamond earrings as part of the 2007 Pirelli Calendar. The second was to be called: “Kim Jong Il Still a Crazy MoFo” and would naturally be about North Korea test-firing at least 7 missiles yesterday, the latest in the ongoing series of events surrounding the North Korean Nuclear Weapons Program.

While both of these stories are worthy of consideration by the GTB (yes, we have guidelines. Contrary to popular belief, we don’t just write about ANYTHING), when I started to piece together the info needed, I realized something SUPER SCARY.

Sofia Loren and Kim Jong Il may be…THE SAME PERSON.

I won’t go into all the reasons I think that Kim Sofia Jong Il has been pulling the wool over our eyes for at least 65 years, I think the picture above shows you what I’m talking about. If they are not in fact the same person, I am torn over who I would rather see naked on a calendar. I do think Kim Jong Il would sell more copies, what with option to threaten nuclear annihilation and all. But maybe I am 'misunderestimating' the sheer curiosity about what Sofia Loren’s boobs look like at 72.