Congrats on Your Unicorn Lair North Korea

Exciting news out of North Korea today!  The Government is reporting that they have located a real live Unicorn Lair. The Korean News Agency reports that the lair most likely is that of the unicorn rode by King Tongmyong.  Luckily, King Tongmyong's peeps had the forethought to carve the words "Unicorn Lair" into the rock above the Lair itself, making it easy to find and identify.

Now before you start thinking that North Korea's propaganda machine is finally and completely off its rocker, think about the story for a second.  Neither North Korea, nor South Korea recognizes the other's legitimacy.  Finding the Unicorn Lair of the personal Unicorn of King Tongmyong in North Korea, adds legitimacy to North Korea's claim that Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea, is the real and legal capital of ALL of Korea. Everyone knows a king would only house his Unicorn near the capital city.

In addition, finding the lair of this mythical creature bolsters the reputation of North Korea's Supreme Leader, Kim Jong Un.  Ascending to the throne in his late 20's without any real experience has been a tough road for Kim Jong Un.  Finding the lair of his ancestor's unicorn lair and proving that he is related to a guy who rode unicorns, makes him look really good. If I had to choose between a leader who made my life better and didn't egregiously violate my human rights and one who had a great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather (we'll go with "relative" as the North Korean history of reporting news doesn't make us that confident that they are related at all) who RODE a UNICORN...yep, unicorn guy wins every time. 

P.S. When they say "unicorn" they actually probably mean this thing. 

Introducing: The While We Were Away Files

During our hiatus, some news did occur, and as the apex of journalism, we thought we ought to clear out or backlog and fill you in.

Item 1: August 26, 2011—Gordon Ramsay’s Porn Dwarf Double Eaten by Badger

This item came as a shock to us in that it is—and forever will be—the perfect news story. While the August 26, 2011 news cycle was otherwise dominated by debt talks, the archdiocese of Boston outing more diddling priests, and Mitt Romney's surge in the polls, the tale of Percy Foster, celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay's dwarf porn double, was found dead, partially eaten, and 6 feet (2 metres) deep in a badger sett. Take out any one—or arguably two—of the elements of this story: adult film, dwarves, wild animals, celebrity look-alikes, tiny tents, and you STILL have a bang-up story. Imagine a parallel story with as many amazing facets as this one. Go ahead…

You can't can you?! No surprise there. But, seeing as how this was a british tabloid story, some major details of this story remain unresolved: how did someone know to look 6 feet down in the badget sett? is "sett" the british word for "hole"? has anyone seen any of Percy Foster's films? and do the british police always have tiny tents on hand for protecting the bodies of tiny, partially-eaten, celebrity look-alike adult film stars?

These questions and other details will hopefully be relayed to us through the news web. Until then, we'll keep you abreast of any twists and turns in this story.

–Cub Reporter

Thanks For Your Help In Ruining Snacking for the Whole World! Here's Your Bonus.

Hostess is asking a federal bankruptcy judge to protect $1.8 million in assets so it can give bonuses to 19 executives.  The delicious company has said that the bonuses are necessary incentives to keep the managers on the job throughout the liquidation of the rest of the company's assets.

The GTB would like to officially offer to help liquidate those assets for HALF that price tag.  We will need one really comfortable couch and 5,000 gallons of 2% milk.

In other news, why do people get bonuses for failure? Every dog training manual we have ever read says that rewarding failure reinforces bad behavior.

p.s. That twinkie graphic is a GTB ORIGINAL.

Jessica Simpson up to Her Old Procreating Tricks

Joy to the world, Jessica Simpson has spawned...AGAIN!  Just 7 months after giving birth to baby Maxi, a source close to the "star" ("singer"?) reported that Jess is knocked up with an unexpected bundle of joy.  If you remember (which you probably do because it was seriously like yesterday) Jessica gestated her first born for approximately 17 months.  That is good news for you Dear Readers! I'm sure this is where you will ask, "why? Is she using her uterus to pressure cook coal into 70 lbs. of diamonds that she will distribute exclusively to GTB readers?" NOPE!  BETTER! Get excited because Jessica Simpson gets even more ridiculous when she is pregnant.  Here's a gem to get you psyched for the next 18-34 months of Jessica's 2nd Pregnancy:

I just started calling myself Swamp Ass. Like, I have 'swamp ass' right now. I had major swamp ass because I was wearing these Spanx to hold in my gut. It's like the bayou up in that region. —The Tonight Show With Jay Leno 

Andres Serrano was a friend of mine. Glenn Beck, you are no Andres Serrano

What a handsome, clever boy you are Glenn! And your successes since leaving Fox News have been manyfold. Every time an ad for your channel shows up on the side bar of a questionable live-streaming website I'm on, I think to myself "this guy is GOING PLACES!" And man did ol' Glenn push the envelope the other day when he submerged an Obama bobblehead into a mason jar of off-colored "urine". I haven't seen that much pee since college when my lab mate managed to drink a whole 2-liter bottle of diet 7-up and nearly overflowed the graduated cylinder for an experiment that was later deemed a human health hazard. Now, I literally got goosepimples and my hair stood on end when Glenn donned a faux French accent and said "I like to call this 'Flobama'," then confusingly re-titled his artwork "Obama in Pee Pee." Très magnifique!

Glenn then elegantly juxtaposed his artwork with the portrayals of Islam's Prophet Muhammad, and Michael D'Antuono's "Truth" which combines the imagery of the embattled, tortured, innocent Christ on the cross with that of president Obama, pointing out the hypocrisy in the reaction of the Muslim world. Sure, some public complaint led D'Antuono's work to be shown at a Boston community college instead of in a NYC gallery (read: the civilized route), but a unified reaction by the Muslim world and beyond to the portrayal of their Prophet as a pedophile, a terrorist, or an adulterer…wellsir, that might as well be a terror act unto itself.

One thing that gets me is the basic ordinal math of this. Beck is basing his argument on the logical assumption that a defacement of Christ = defacement of Muhammad. And that his defacement of Obama = a defacement of Christ. So is he elevating Obama to the level of a deity, or is he cutting down two deities of some of the world's major religions to that of a mortal—albeit powerful—man?

Glenn, if you're reading this, please respond ASAP. Our cell number is (301) 588-900. Call us anytime!

Double Congrats Supreme Leader

Anyone who reads the GTB has already heard the incredible news!  Kim Jong Un, the newest member of our Top 5 Dictators Hot List, was named The Onion's Sexiest Man Alive for 2012.  To celebrate the win, People's Daily Online (the Official Paper of the Communist Party of China) put together a 55-IMAGE spread of some of Kim Jong Un's hottest looks!  
 
We are worried about two things.  

Our first concern is that People's Daily really seemed to jump on this "See, Dictatorships can not only be a 'perfectly "ok" form of government' but Dictators themselves can also Super Sexxxxy" news piece. I mean...a 55 photo spread about the (satirical) accomplishment of another country's Supreme Leader?  It is walking a thin line between propaganda and Bunny Boiler if you ask us. 

Second, we are a little worried that they are going to figure out that The Onion isn't a "real" source for "news" (it will take awhile as China isn't known as a country with "outstanding access to a wide-variety of international news sources"), get embarrassed and take the whole thing down (Don't feel bad People's Daily! There is an entire Tumblr dedicated to idiots who post Onion stories as fact!). As such we have gone ahead and archived the photo spread for you, our Supreme Readers.  No small task considering that they found 55 pictures of KJU looking simply dashing.

Click here to see the gallery.

Since you and I both know you won't look at the gallery, we will share with you, our all-time favorite KJU picture (so far). We call this one "Terrified Citizens Pose With Completely Unaware, but Also Super Sexxxy Dictator"

Travis Monroe Hawkins Jr. Beats Up Girls at Thanksgiving Dinner

This is Travis Monroe Hawkins, Jr.  He is 18 years old and lives in Mobile, Alabama.  

 On Thanksgiving, he did this to his sister's 23 year old girlfriend, Mallory Owens. 

 

Yeah, we realize you come here because our posts are hilarious.  This story isn't hilarious.  But part of our mission here at the GTB is to give publicity to stories that might get buried. Stories that you might miss if we weren't here to point you in the right direction.  We aim to be one more google hit when somebody, somewhere, someday, searches for Travis Monroe Hawkins, Jr (if you search for Travis Monroe Hawkins, SENIOR he was arrested last year for shooting his son, age 17, who we can only assume is Travis Monroe Hawkins, Jr....so...you can go ahead and guess how the younger Travis Monroe Hawkins ended up being a horrible person).  

Feeling terrible about the state of our world? Sign this Petition. It will make you feel better.

Christmas is Coming!

Looking for a Christmas gift that for your co-worker who spends more time talking about 80's hair bands on Facebook than on work? Hoping to find a solid argument for why the government should provide free birth control (and maybe MANDATORY birth control to anyone with lip implants) to toss at your super conservative uncle this Thanksgiving? Allow me to present to you, the Roctuplets!

"Who are the Roctuplets?" you ask?  They are Nadya "Octomom" Suleman's kids (all 8 of the octuplets plus 5 of their additional siblings for a total of 13.  Nadya's 14th child, Aiden, is Autistic and was not included in production of the song or video) and they are releasing a Christmas single!

Penned by rapper Romeo Holloway, "I'm Ready for Christmas" is a jaunty romp that stops just short of making you want to punch yourself right in the ears.  The song is available on iTunes, but the video is available for free! If you are sad that network television doesn't show enough footage of dead eyed children being forced to wear Santa hats and sing a really awful "Christmas" song (off key)*, this video is exactly what you need to fill that void (Click HERE to view).

Nadya Suleman has done a lot over the last few years to try to make ends meet.  Most recently she appeared in the adult film Octomom Uncovered (produced by Wicked Pictures),  scored a fairly successful gig as a dancer at the Playhouse Gentleman's Club in (classy) Hallandale, FL, and kicked butt in the ring on Celebrity Boxing (until she was banned for life for bad behavior.  Seriously.  Banned from CELEBRITY BOXING for being irresponsible...yep, true story).  Last month though, Nadya checked into rehab for treatment of "stress and anxiety" (to be read Xanax) and it looks like it is now up to her kids to put food on the table. 

Give it a go.  They are like a less talented, much sadder, Partridge Family or the Brady Bunch if Carol and Mike had 8 more children and then started an amateur porn site so they could pay Alice's salary.

* For the record, we aren't bashing these poor children.  We are bashing their mother for exploiting them.  Because she is terrible.

Well, That's One Way to Handle It

As a country, Egypt generally garners a lot of (mostly well-deserved) criticism for its treatment of women.  That being said, we have to give credit to the citizens who are making an attempt to improve the situation for the women of Egypt.

Now, as a general rule, the GTB doesn't encourage vigilantism, but in some circumstances you can't argue that it isn't warranted.  In this case, a group of Egyptian men has taken it upon themselves to address the rampant sexual harassment that has reached epidemic proportions in Egypt.  Sexual harassment is so out of control that men will board women only train cars just to get their grope on.  The situation is ridiculous and largely unregulated by police.

At a recent festival in Cairo an anti-harassment group that calls itself "Be a Man" dawned neon vests and went on patrol for harassers.  When they witnessed an infraction, they tackled the offender and spray painted "I am a harasser" on his person.  Sometimes on his face.

While the group's tactics weren't well received by the police, here at the GTB we salute your efforts vigilantes!  When asked why they decided on this course of action, a representative from the group answered "Because, in our society, a girl blames herself when she gets harassed. When she speaks out to her family about it, they blame her. Sometimes they prevent her from going to school or going outside because they think that sexual harassment is the girl’s problem, not the harasser’s problem. So, when our group attacks the harasser, the girl feels confident in herself. She feels like she was right, she feels like the street is supporting her. She'll have the confidence to walk in the street without fear and she won’t be afraid to speak out if it happens again."

America could probably benefit, at least a little, from the revival of public shaming.  Maybe it is time we take some moves from the Egyptian Vigilante Playbook (now available for Kindle). 

Press Release: World Celebrates, US Rejoices at the Triumphant Return of The Good Times Blog

With the pomp and circumstance regularly afforded only to visiting dignitaries and the season finale of American Idol, The Good Times Blog announced today its triumphant return to the internet.   Following years of speculation on when, if ever, the infamous tome would find its way back into the limelight it once held so dear, GTB founders said simply, “Now. Now is the time.” 

“You know, we didn’t mean to be away for so long.” said Lulu, GTB’s Editor-in-Chief “we just ran out of things to talk about.  Shit got real with the war on terror and everybody seemed to be keepin’ it in their pants.  Twitter took off and breaking the story on 2^nd hand celebrity gossip quickly became harder and harder to do.  We aren’t a blog run by ambitious or innovative people.  We recycle stories and add our opinion (as fact) somewhere towards the end.  In an age where ‘news’ travels so quickly, we just couldn’t keep up.” 

But still their loyal follows clamored for more.  “At least once a year, somebody would ask me what ‘happened to that blog you started’ and wonder if it was a ‘phase’ like that time I ‘dressed like Clarissa Explains it All’ for a few days when I was 12. Our fans really seemed dedicated to reading it when they remembered that it was there.” Said Lulu. 

So what brought the world’s best source for 2^nd hand celebrity gossip and half-assed political commentary back from the grave? “That’s simple. Petraeus. The love octagon is just too good to pass up and should easily fuel at least 3 days of easy stories. Once it gets hard again, we will probably go away (that's what she said). We are happy to be back and we look forward to bringing you all the news you could get more accurately somewhere else!” So do we GTB, so do we.

Man Plans Poorly

A 30 year old Colorado man was arrested on charges of unlawful sexual contact and criminal invasion of privacy after he was found hiding in the porta-potty of a yoga festival. When we say IN the porta-potty, we mean IN it. As in he was covered in a tarp, hiding in the basin underneath the toilet with the hopes of catching a glimpse of some yogi lady parts. The man was originally questioned for panhandling when a witness identified him as the person she had seen inside her toilet earlier in the day. The fact that he was covered in human excrement also helped to alert the police to his identity.

In addition to arresting him, officers informed him about an invention called the internet, which for many years now has made this sort of herculean effort to see a stranger naked virtually obsolete.

Come On, Everyone Knows that Kids LOVE Clowns!

Got a youngster with a birthday coming up? Stumped about what to get the little nugget for his or her big day? Here's an idea for you: pay a scary clown to stalk the kid for 7 days!

Evil Clown Dominic Deville will, presumably for a small fee, follow your child around, send them texts about how they will soon be attacked, leave them creepy phone messages, and notes about how they are being watched. At the end of 7 days, Dominic will ambush your child and slam a birthday cake in his/her face. If the child manages to AVOID the attack he gets to keep the cake as a birthday gift!

Nothing says I love you like the gift of "I'm willing to spend thousands of dollars on your therapy later in life."

HOT TIPS!

• UNITED KINGDOM -- Two women were arrested for trying to smuggle the corpse of their dead relative onto a flight to Berlin. The women put the 91-year old man in a wheelchair, added some sunglasses and tried to board. They were arrested on charges of "suspicion of failure to give notification of death". Who even knew that was a crime...and who even knew there are people who watch Weekend at Bernie's and think "that is a good idea." I guess it IS possible they saw Weekend at Bernie's II.
  
  
• SAN DIEGO, CA -- Drunk Man Steals Ambulance, Leads Slow Chase...I just liked the article title which really tells the whole story.
  
  
• FULTON, MS -- I was going to award this story the Tara-ble Idea Award, but I decided that award is more for sheer stupidity as opposed to a total lack of human decency. Parents and students at a High School in Fulton, Mississippi threw a fake prom to avoid having to include a lesbian couple and a group of students with learning disabilities. Yeah, that just happened. To top this doozy with a cherry, they don't seem to see anything wrong with that. Wow.
  
  
• I DON'T KNOW...KENTUCKY??-- To clean the fake prom nasty out of our mouths...KFC has confirmed that they will soon deliver to restaurants nationwide...the Double Down (being gamblers, we like the name...and gambling with the stability of our vital organs!). What is it you might ask? Besides being amazing it is "two slabs of fried chicken holding together two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel's Sauce". If you can't picture it, it is a bacon and cheese sandwich where the bun has been replaced with fried chicken. The Nutritional info is actually, not as bad as one would expect...540 calories, 32 grams of fat.

Stellar Economic Advice from All-American Crooner Pat Boone

These are tough economic times and here at the GTB we have been wondering, what we can do to better follow biblical economic principles. Luckily, back in 2006 when investigating a story about Pat Robertson's ability to leg press 2,000 lbs. and the nutritious shake that allowed him to do so, we went undercover and signed up for the Christian Broadcasting Network's e-Newsletter. Usually, we delete their e-mails and curse this blog for letting them in our inbox, but today, we stopped and read. The subject of the message was: "The Shocking Truth About Money -- PAT BOONE". We love money and we love Pat Boone so we opened it.

What we learned was SHOCKING. America has been defying the bible and Jesus by not investing in gold. Pat Boone assures us that "Gold is amazing! It's morally-correct money which conserves AND grows wealth liberally." He also offers to send us an audio FAQ about why we should obey God by buying gold and about a company called Swiss America that can help us to do so.

Never in a million years would we have guessed that research for this blog would lead us to Pat Boone and his economic advice. We don't have any money to invest in gold right now because all of our silly liberal money is invested in a foreign wind company, but we have already asked my HR departments if we can henceforth be paid only in precious metals. Jesus will like that and so will Pat Boone.

GTB Ends US Dependence on Foreign Oil with Single Brilliant Idea

Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Arizona is a genius. He had the idea to force inmates in the Tent City Jail in Phoenix to pedal exercise bikes in order to generate the electricity needed to power their televisions. Every minute they pedal generates enough electricity for them to watch one minute of TV. The inmates get both the benefits of exercise and the benefits of TV.

The simple brilliance of this idea got us thinking. There are about 2.3 Million people currently incarcerated (2008, Bureau of Justice Statistics) in the US. They are in prison for 24 hours a day. Let's (generously) knock off 8 of those for sleep, 3 for things that keep people alive (eating, bathroom breaks, etc.) and 30 minutes for things that keep people alive in prison (shiv-making, contraband trading, guard bribing, gang chapter meetings, etc.). That leaves us with 12.5 hours or 750 minutes of wasted time, per prisoner, per day.

I know this is a lot of math, but stay with me. When I put all these numbers into Excel, it tells me that we could dole out approximately 5 minutes of electricity to every American, EVERY DAY if those lazy, crime-committing criminals would pay their debt to society by pedaling aimlessly for hours upon hours daily (we can more than double this if we make people on parole and probation contribute part of their day to this patriotic cause).

That is 5 free minutes for each and every (law-abiding US) citizen to watch TV, mess around with their DVR, make a pot of coffee, or charge their electric car! The other benefit is that it would keep the prisoners out of trouble. There would be very little time for stealing apples from the dining hall to make liquor or stabbing one's cellmate if you are busy "Powering Freedom".

Prisoners can’t even vote. This idea is unstoppable.

Triumphant Return of the GTB Mirrors the Triumphant Return of GTB Hero The Hoff

We don't know how we missed this, but we did so here it goes! David Hasselhoff has announced that he will soon begin filming an as yet untitled reality TV Show about his life. Citing “creative unfulfillment” in his position as a judge on the hit series America’s Got Talent, The Hoff has signed a 10-episode deal with A&E to star in a show that chronicles his attempt to break his daughters into the recording industry.

At first we were concerned about the amount of stress that this would place on the GTB’s Musical and Theatrical Muse/Inspiration/Hero given his recent (and let’s be honest here…ongoing) battle with alcoholism. Then we remembered that this is the man who single-handedly unified Germany (and tore down the Berlin Wall using only awesome music and hip gyration) and rescued Hobie (who’s hair now looks like this by the way) and his love interest from an electric eel using only a defibrillator and his BARE HANDS*. He’ll be fine, but somebody should probably make a note to craft services “No Jack Daniels. No Cheeseburgers.” (We assume you still get a Craft Services Table when you star in a reality show…otherwise, nobody would ever film them).

Congratulations The Hoff. We cannot WAIT to watch!

*THANK YOU YOUTUBE FOR EXISTING and providing this clip. It is worth every minute you will spend watching it at work. Also a big shout out to Baywatch for naming this episode “Eel Nino” and making it easy to find!

**Thanks to Leslie for the tip!

Anti-Government Militia Attracts the Unattractive

Ordinarily, we would resist the urge to write a post about something as catty as someone (or a group of someones) appearance(s)*. People come in all varieties and here at the GTB we like to consider ourselves cognizant of the fact that everyone is someone's child, but this time, WOW, we just can't help it. The group of suspects rounded up in the Michigan Militia arrests fell from the ugly tree and clearly hit every branch on the way down. There, we said it. Do we feel bad? No, not really because the only reason we found this collage-of-wow-that's-(pregnant pause)-not-cute is because they are terrible people who were planning to do something terrible. We blame them for opening themselves up to this sort of ridicule. We also blame them for their lifestyle and hairstyle choices.

Kudos to the FBI for heading this group off at the pass.

GTB Neat Fact: While researching this story we found that the Southern Poverty Law Center, a non-profit organization that monitors hate and fringe groups across the US documented a 244% jump in new anti-government "Patriot Groups" last year. This included the addition of 85 new militia groups.

*Statement excludes celebrities, quasi-celebrities, K-Fed, Bjork, Karl Rove, and the Queen of the Harpies Ann Coulter.

A New Low for the Drunk

Sometimes people drink. Sometimes people drink too much. Sometimes people drink too much...and get arrested for public intoxication because they have been caught on the side of the road attempting to resuscitate a long-dead opossum.

That is the story of Donald Wolfe, 55, of Pennsylvania (somewhere North of Pittsburgh). Troopers pulled over after seeing a man performing what appeared to be a "seance" over the carcass of a dead opossum on the shoulder of a Pennsylvania highway. As they approached, Wolfe began performing CPR on the animal. Wolfe was unable to resuscitate the roadkill and was arrested...and presumably tested for rabies.

Loves His Marriage...Enough to Strangle His Wife

Bradley Gellert of Tampa, Florida was arrested and charged with felony domestic battery last night after attempting to strangle his wife. The couple was fighting over drugs.

This is probably the point in the story where you are wondering if we are just posting this story to give Bradley Gellert another shout out as an D-bag on Google (think "DWI Hit Parade" from the St. Mary's Today for all of our readers from down County)...no, we just want you to see the shirt he was wearing in his mugshot. Puffy hearts his marriage, but apparently not enough to NOT beat his wife. He should take a tip from Chris Brown and send her an iPod. Maybe they too could move past the domestic abuse and do a duet together!

For the record, Bradley Gellert works for Ameriprise, but we ask you to NOT hold this guy against them. We have an Ameriprise Financial planner and while he does love irony, he has never tried to strangle us.

*Thanks to Bucket for the tip!

That's McG-ruffed Up

Since most of the GTB's readership are DC natives or at the very least, long-term imports, we thought you would enjoy the story of Metro bus driver Shawn Brim and his very bad idea.

On Saturday, while driving his bus downtown, Brim came upon McGruff the Crime Dog handing out fliers about crime prevention to children on the street. Brim stopped, walked off the bus, adjusted his side view mirrors...and punched McGruff in the face, terrifying the group of children who had stopped to meet the famous anti-crime advocate and learn how they could take a bite out of crime (and deal with bullies).

Brim then got back on his bus and drove away. He later told his supervisor that he had chosen to beat up McGruff simply because he thought it would be funny. Brim is undergoing drug and alcohol testing, and his continued employment with Metro is...to be determined.

Let's tell the truth, who amongst us hasn't thought about punching McGruff the Crime Dog? With his trenchcoat and his life lessons, he is utterly punchable, but that's where the fantasy has to end. You don't actually do it and if you are going to do it, wait until you get off work. Not a sermon, just a thought.

One Woman's Unbe-weave-able Story of Survival

A Kansas City woman is alive today thanks to an unlikely hero...her hair weave! The woman was shot in the back of the head by her ex-boyfriend (who just prior to the shooting claimed he still loved her). Miraculously the woman's hair weave STOPPED THE BULLET. She escaped unscathed and police have arrested her ex-boyfriend.

I couldn't even find an appropriate graphic for this story because it is just so outrageous. You really need to see the video. That is one amazing weave. I wonder if the government knows that hair weaves can stop BULLETS. They should get Jessica Simpson to lead an infantry division in the Baghdad!

Chris Brown's Dad Clears Things Up

Chris Brown's father, Clinton Brown, commented this week on the allegations that his son beat his girlfriend, musical sensation, Rihanna, before the Grammy Awards last week, we feel much better about the situation:

"This is unfortunate, this stumble, this situation. Hopefully, he will get past it. We all have our shortcomings. We all trip."

He makes it sound like Chris Brown hit an unexpected patch of black ice (in Los Angeles) and accidentally busted up Rihanna's face on his way to the ground. He is right though, we all have our shortcomings, we are just glad that our shortcomings don't include smacking around our girlfriends.

Sad about Chris Brown and Rihanna? Here's a story
about a man who mailed a traffic ticket covered in mysterious white powder (that turned out to be instant pudding) into a police station causing the station to be evacuated and forcing 2 station employees into quarantine.

It is Our Honor to Present...

Say you got a dead fish in the mail, and the dead fish was covered in white powder, and we live in an era of post 9/11 paranoia, what would you do? If you are Maureen McCarthy, a senior adviser for weapons of mass destruction intelligence programs at the Department of Homeland Security, you would put the fish (white powder and all) in your car, drive your car to your workplace, and park your car full of white powder covered dead fish threat under the ventilation shaft for your building. The FBI closed McCarthy's building on Friday while they investigated the incident.

To her credit, she did call the security department for the building and ask them what to do, so the incident might not be 100% her fault. Also to, answer my own question, if I got a dead fish covered in white powder in the mail, I would probably eat it as I'm much more worried about the economy than I am about terrorism. I'd also send a thank you note to Jono and Brennan since they are my best guesses for the senders.

*Thanks to Reebs for the Hot Tip!

I am Running out of Companies to Buy Gas From

In 1998 there was a shooting on a Chevron oil rig off the coast of Nigeria that left 2 unarmed protesters dead. The peaceful protest was staged by villagers who sought jobs as compensation for the damage the rig had done to their fisheries and farmland. After the shooting, the villagers sued Chevron and (shockingly) lost. Now Chevron, presumably in an attempt to discourage any future law suits, is suing the villagers to recoup their legal fees. Chevron is asking for $495,000 ($190,000 for copy costs alone). You might recall that Chevron made $23.8 Billion in profits last year, good thing since they had to spend all that money on copies. I'm sure the Nigerian villagers will be able to pony up the cash if they put off getting their greedy little mouths on clean drinking water for another hundred years.

P.S. Does "Human Energy" make anyone else think that Chevron fuels its refineries with human souls or maybe babies?

Of All the Things You Could Smuggle from Dubai

An Australian man, returning from a trip to Dubai, was arrested for smuggling 2 pigeon eggs, 2 live pigeons, and an undeclared eggplant through customs. The man was detained after officials found the eggs in a vitamin container. The subsequent search yielded the 2 live pigeons, wrapped in padded envelopes and shoved inside the mans pants. No word on where they found the eggplant.

Why bother with pigeons when you could leave Dubai with pants full of crude oil? I'm also not sure why he bothered with the padded envelopes. Looks like the pigeons could have been quite cozy in that mangrove he is masquerading as leg hair.

Another Way to Screw Up Your Kid

An article published in the most recent issue of the journal Social Science Quarterly suggests that the popularity of a child's name can be a predictor of tendency towards criminal behavior. Researchers found that the more unpopular a child's name for the time in which the child is growing up, the more likely the child will eventually commit a crime.

According to the journal's publisher, "Adolescents with unpopular names may be more prone to crime because they are treated differently by their peers, making it more difficult for them to form relationships. Juveniles with unpopular names may also act out because they consciously or unconsciously dislike their names."

Finally a reason for why I knocked over that liquor store! Wait...how popular was the name "Lauren" in the late 1970's and early 1980's? Oh...maybe it really was just my love of scratch-offs and whiskey.

Hello Hospital!

All day long we intended (and were excited) to post about Ted Haggard's newest scandal (which is actually an old scandal that just came out...pun intended), but when then we saw this and decided it would brighten your day just a little bit more!

A hospital in Taiwan has overhauled its maternity ward in the theme of Hello Kitty! When asked about the makeover, owner Tsai Tsung-ji said "When new moms feel anxious and lost about how to deal with their new babies, Hello Kitty can make them more relaxed and reduce their sense of discomfort while giving birth".

I think we would prefer an epidural or a nightstick to the back of the neck. Strangely though, this is exactly what we assumed a hospital in Taiwan would look like. On another note, Hello Kitty helping new moms deal with feeling "lost about how to deal with their new babies"...who knew Tom Cruise owns a Hospital in Taiwan!

Sarah Palin is Still For Sale

A professional window dresser from West Hollywood was disappointed when the winning bidder from his eBay auction backed out of the transaction after he discovered that the Sarah Palin mannequin he had been bidding on had been hung in effigy this past Halloween. The winning bidder was a Sarah Palin fan and withdrew his bid of more than $2,200 when he discovered that the seller did not share his fondness for the former Vice Presidential candidate.

For the record we at the GTB do not support effigies in general (we hold the right to flip-flop on this subject if the effigies in question are in the likeness of Bill O'Reilly and/or The Queen of the Harpies Ann Coulter), and really the hanging of this effigy in particular is a side note. What really caught us about this story was the following:

1.) Somebody was going to pay $2,200 for a "Sarah Palin" mannequin? Why?? I ask you bidder, what was the plan? Fly around in a helicopter with it pretend you have the authority to shoot at wolves? Stand it in the room for moral support when you give your daughter a stern talking to about her unwanted teen pregnancy? Did you not see a picture of what you were buying? Which brings me to my next point...

2.) So you can just take a well-proportioned styrofoam body, put it in a fancy brown wig with some flashy glasses and a pretty red coat and call it a Vice Presidential candidate...oh wait, that sounds about right. I was about to call this the worst likeness I have ever seen, but I have seen the light. And finally...

3.) The guy selling this is a PROFESSIONAL WINDOW DRESSER. Take a look at this thing and ask yourself...FOR WHO?!? The Salvation Army? A used wig shop? Chico's? It doesn't say in the article, but I'll keep my eyes peeled the next time I'm walking through the hip shopping area of downtown East Berlin (before the wall came down).

HOT TIPS!

• The GTB has entered the year 2008...become a fan of us on Facebook! It is possible that the 15 non-authors who have already "fanned" us are the only 15 people who read this...but if we missed anybody, make sure you show us the love, Facebook Style. Do so, here (I have no idea if linking to this page will work).
  
  
• A former of employee of the University of Florida's emergency text messaging service may be charged with an as-yet-to-be-determined-crime for sending an emergency text to thousands of University students and faculty that read "The Monkey Got Out of the Cage". The man claims the text was an accident. Before you judge too harshly, who amongst us hasn't sent a text message they regretted the next day? Just ask this girl we know who sent out an upside down photo with the message "Hagby Odo Xfar?" after one too many bottles of screw-top champagne this New Years Eve!
  
  
• Big fat face Rush Limbaugh relayed a story to his listeners the other day about a recent request he received from an "American Publication" to sum up his feelings about the Inauguration in 400 words. Limbaugh ended his diatribe with "I hope he fails. Somebody's gotta say it." Wow Mr. Limbaugh...aren't you lucky people didn't wish failure upon you when you kicked your prescription drug habit?
  
  
• In case you didn't know, the economy is doing stellar. If you don't believe us check out the National Republican Congressional Committee's website. You can't make this stuff up.
  
  

Judge Roy "I'm a D-Bag" Pearson Earns Additional Title of "Herpes of the Legal System"

The Universe must be pretty jazzed about the return of the GTB because today it spoon-fed me an update on our favorite hijacker of the DC Courts, Judge Roy L. Pearson, Jr.

In case you forgot, Roy Pearson is the guy who has been suing his dry cleaners for $54 million in damages after they lost his pants (he claims) whereby not living up to their promise of "satisfaction guaranteed". The lawsuit has never really gone anywhere, but the legal fees did crush Jin Nam Chung and Soo Chung, the owners of Custom Cleaners, causing them to close their business last year.

Since we are sure you missed Judge D-Bag as much, if not more than you missed us, here's an update on what he has been doing since we last wrote about him...in October 2007 (yeah, it has really been going on that long. In fact, he first filed suit in 2005).

You probably remember that Pearson lost his original suit and appealed it to the DC Court of Appeals. A three-judge panel denied his appeal on the grounds that his argument "defied logic" (I couldn't make this up!). Pearson has now filed another appeal demanding that the full, nine-judge panel hear and respond to his argument.

How did this guy even make it through law school? Isn't there some sort of "Are you Batshit Crazy?" section on the Bar exam? I think I would feel better if Gary Busey threatened to pull out my Endocrine System than I do about Roy L. Pearson actually being a judge. We challenge you, our readers, to come up with a job that you would feel comfortable with Roy L. Pearson having. Preferably one that doesn't require him to wear suit pants since it seems that's how this whole thing started.

A New Day!

Today is the day, the day so many of us have waited for. Listening to Obama's Inaugural Address today we took note of this piece in particular:

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends - hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism - these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility - a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

He is right. The time has come for all of us to do our part. As such, we would like to announce the triumphant return of The Good Times Blog.

We don't have the audacity to assume that the GTB does anything really amazing, aside from occasionally providing secondhand news, celebrity gossip, political commentary, and sometimes a good hearty chuckle for its readers. You can rest assured that this newfound dedication to investigatory journalism is only a small part of the plan we are currently implementing to pull our own weight to better this new America. We also can't promise that the updates will happen daily, but we will do our best to keep the heartwarming Good Times coming.

Today is a new day for America and for the Good Times Blog. We challenge you to also look at your priorities and ask yourself where you can take up the challenge of our new President to come together and get America back on track. Our readers (you) are nothing if not fantastically intelligent and resourceful...we are excited to see what you will do!

Did She Just Say Maryland???

So if you click on the picture of the pretty lady on the left, you will go to a YouTube video with the audio from Oklahoma State Senator Sally Kern going off about gays. An Oklahoma state Senator gay bashing at a luncheon is sort of old news, but...if you listen carefully, about half-way through, between where she says gays are worse than "terrorists and Islam", but before she says gays and their high school clubs will destroy America, she says that gays have taken over city councils all over America! She gives 4 examples. One was Kensington, Maryland. Another was Takoma, Maryland (presumably she meant Takoma Park which DOES have a bunch of gays on their city council). You know you are doing something right when Oklahoma State Senators are using you as an example of all that is wrong with America!