A New Battle for the Teletubbies

I was going to post about the upcoming "2nd Cold War" that appears to be brewing with Russia, but then I found a story about an even bigger battle facing the Teletubbies, reaffirming their asexuality.

You may remember that about 8 years ago, the late Jerry Falwell raised concerns about the sexual orientation of the huggable and loveable purple teletubby, Tinky Winky. Because of his purpleness, triangle shaped antenna (or whatever that thing is on his head) and his beloved purse, lots of people have questioned which team Tinky Winky plays for. Now Poland is joining the list of groups who are demanding clarification of Tinky Winky's ambiguity.

Poland's Ewa Sowinska, "government-appointed children rights watchdog" has just realized that Tinky Winky is a allegedly a boy and that he definitely carries a handbag. She had vowed to have psychologists investigate the case, until the Polish Parliamentary Speaker, Ludwig Dorn, warned her against turning her department "into a laughing stock".

I'm not completely sure how this keeps coming up. If I were Tinky Winky, I would get on the phone with Ted Haggard. Ted somehow got the world to believe he's straight after he had a 3-year long drug-fueled affair with a male prostitute! I'm sure he can put Tinky Winky in touch with the right people to help "straighten" this out.

Israeli Man Shows Off

If you have already heard this story somewhere else, you had to know it would show up here on the GTB. This is the kind of story that we live for and I feel the need to share it with those of you who rely solely on the GTB for your news and information.

An Israeli man and his family are safe today after a wild leopard leaped through the window of their home and climbed into bed with them. The man, dressed only in his underwear, wrestled the leopard to the ground and held it pinned down for 20 minutes until help arrived.

So this guy was sleeping in bed with his family and a LEOPARD came through the window and jumped in bed with them. The man then wrestled the leopard to the ground. Yeah, I know I just said that, but it is so unbelievable that I had to say it again.

This sounds like something that happened to me once. Just replace the words "this guy" with the word "I", the words "his family" with "a pizza", the word "leopard" with "hammerhead shark", "them" with "me", "the man" with "I", and finally "wrestled the leopard to the ground" with "restrained the shark, and over time trained it to do my bidding and get me beers."

Simply amazing.

And Another Set of Gay Parents!

Congratulations to Mary Cheney and Heather Poe on the arrival of their son Samuel David! What a strong and biblical name! The 8 lb. 6 oz. baby boy was welcomed into the world at Sibley Hospital on Wednesday. I hope they got a better room than my sister did when she gave birth there.

Gay Flamingos Fulfill Dream of Adopting

Carlos and Fernando, a gay flamingo couple at the Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust (WWT) in Slimbridge, England, have been trying to adopt for years. The pair, who have been committed for 6 years, have been known to chase other flamingos away from their nests so that they could have their eggs. Unfortunately, it appeared that the couple would remain childless until a twist of fate brought Carlos and Fernando the family they have dreamed of. Last week, caretakers at WWT found an abandoned egg and decided to give the pair a shot at fatherhood.

Before the team had a chance to give the egg to the couple, it hatched in an incubator. Since flamingo parents usually bond with their chicks as they "talk them through" the process of hatching, the staff carefully taped the chick back inside the egg and brought it to Carlos and Fernando's nest. A short while later, the proud parents were seen "talking" to the chick inside the egg, and then helping it hatch for a second time.

So far things seem to be going well and we wish the family the best of luck as they start their new life together!

Have You Seen This Man?

My friend Ross and I went to a movie this past Saturday and when we returned to his condo, we saw the flier pictured above hung on his building's communal announcement board. Since none of you will have the opportunity to see this flier, I thought I would pass along the opportunity to earn this reward. The description is...vague and more than a little confusing, but $10 is $10 so keep your eyes peeled for the following:

Looking for a brown skinned black man with naturally blond hair a golden blond color and golden blond colored eyes. He was last seen in a red Avalanche Truck in 2003. Please contact me at email address y1mail@yahoo.com. Please leave your mailing address. If your information leads to the right person I will mail you 10 dollars.

You've Got Poop!

A man in Minnesota (former home of Brenda and Brandon Walsh) is in trouble for doing what every one of us has thought about doing. He put dog feces in the envelope when he went to mail in his paid parking ticket. The woman who opened the poop letter was hospitalized with a headache and vomiting. The man has been charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct and is set to appear in court on June 15th.

I really didn't know this was illegal. Unpleasant, sure, but illegal? Definitely didn't think so. I guess I should have checked the law before I sent that cat poo in with my taxes. Whoopsie!

Debate is No Place for Disagreement!

Did you happen to check out the most recent republican presidential debate? If you did, standing amidst the usual sorts (McCain, Romney, blah, blah, blah) you might have noticed a man named Ron Paul, and thought to yourself, "who in the world is that?"

Well Ron Paul is the RNC's biggest nightmare right now, that's who he is. He's a nightmare because he doesn't tow the line of republican talking points. Explaining the origin of terrorist against the U.S he attempted to give a rational explanation:

"They attack us because we've been over there. We've been bombing Iraq for 10 years. We've been in the Middle East. I think Reagan was right. We don't understand the irrationality of Middle Eastern politics. Right now, we're building an embassy in Iraq that is bigger than the Vatican. We're building 14 permanent bases. What would we say here if China was doing this in our country or in the Gulf of Mexico? We would be objecting....I believe the CIA is correct when it warns us about blowback. We overthrew the Iranian government in 1953 and their taking the hostages was the reaction. This dynamic persists and we ignore it at our risk. They’re not attacking us because we’re rich and free, they’re attacking us because we’re over there."

HOW DARE HE? Doesn't he know that Islamo-Fascists hate us because of our FREEDOM! (Ignore the fact that Bin Laden himself has said that attacks on the U.S are because of

1. American involvement in the Middle East
2. Palestine
3. Sanctions on Iraq
   

Well worry no more, the GOP party is now in full swing doing what it does best, silencing dissent by attempting to bar Ron Paul from future debates. This campaign is being spearheaded by Saul Anuzis, chairman of the Michigan Republican Party. He plans on circulating a petition among Republican National Committee members, debate sponsors and broadcasters to give Paul the boot!

I love it! Barring someone from a DEBATE because they said things you don't agree with! Isn't that the whole point of a debate? Classic.

Is That a Gun in Your Diaper or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Howard "Bubba" Ludwig applied for an Illinois Gun Permit and was granted permission to own a 12-gauge Beretta shotgun. Since Bubba meets the State requirements for gun ownership, this is no surprise, but did I mention that Bubba is 10-months old?

Bubba's father filled out the application for him after Bubba's grandfather gave him the Beretta as a gift. Not thinking he would actually get the permit, Howard Ludwig, Sr. listed the baby's correct height and weight (2 ft. 3 in, 20 lbs.) on the form and drew a squiggly line where the signature of the applicant should be.

Turns out that Illinois doesn't have an age requirement for gun permits. Congratulations Bubba, you can now protect your home and family!

Rest In Peace Jerry Falwell

Here at the GTB, it isn't really a secret that we have very strong feelings towards Jerry Falwell and his politics. Hell, the good reverend even had his very own subject tag. That being said, and politics aside, it is with great sadness that we acknowledge the death of Reverend Jerry Falwell today at the age of 73.

While most of what he did angered us, his passion for his beliefs ignited in us similar passion for our own. His often inflammatory rhetoric provoked thought, introspection, and discussion, and for that, we would like to thank Reverend Falwell.

Sometimes you don't really know how strongly you believe in something until somebody vocalizes the things you don't. At the GTB, Jerry Falwell did that for us time and time again. Our thoughts go out to his friends and family during this incredibly difficult time.

Wolfie Still Has Cheney's Support

When asked this weekend if he thought Paul "Wolfie" Wolfowitz (who you may remember from such disasters as "The War in Iraq") should remain head of the World Bank, even amidst accusations of scandal and corruption, Vice President Dick Cheney said "I think Paul is one of the most able public servants I've ever known, and I've worked with him a lot over the years. I think he's a very good president of the World Bank."

What does it do to your credibility these days when Dick "The war is going great and Saddam had WMD's" Cheney vouches for you? Do you get immediately fired or is it more of a tar and feather kind of thing? Or worse, is the World Bank the one place where Dick Cheney still has credibility?

Poor Wolfie would be better off getting a recommendation from David Hasselhoff or Alberto Gonzales...or maybe Satan. Maybe he could have Alec Baldwin make a call on his behalf too! It reminds me of the time that Mike Tyson endorsed Michael Steele for the U.S. Senate (and said he wanted to fight women for "charity").

Perhaps THIS Will Change Your Mind!

President Bush was undeterred when the Bi-partisan Iraq Study Group* told him: "The United States should not make an open-ended commitment to keep large numbers of American troops deployed in Iraq". He didn't sway when a study sponsored by MIT listed the number of casualties as a result of the U.S. invasion of Iraq at 655,000. He didn't even change his tune when a multi-agency National Intelligence Estimate declared that the war in Iraq has made the U.S. less safe and "has made the overall terrorism problem worse”, but now the President is coming around saying today that he will come to a compromise with Congress on funding the Iraq war and that compromise will include benchmarks.

Why the shift towards compromise? This reporter** thinks it might have something to do with the fact that in a meeting this week, Bush was informed that the GOP believes the war is hurting the Republican party and that he won't be able to count on their support for much longer.

Hundreds of thousands of people dead, a world that is less safe than it was 4 years ago, the Iraqi parliament asking for a timetable for withdrawal, hundreds of billions of dollars spent, but GOD FORBID THIS WAR HURTS THE REPUBLICAN PARTY! Sheesh!

* If you haven't read the Iraq Study Group Report, you should. It is a VERY interesting read.
** I am not a reporter.

These Stories Are All True

The following three stories are unbelievable and did actually happen (sorry for all the animal stories but these are AWESOME):

• In Homer, Alaska, Gary and Terri Lyon looked outside their home and saw a 500-lb Grizzly bear killing a full grown MOOSE in their driveway. Gary had this to say about the grizzly (pun intended) scene: "She tore apart the chest cavity, ripped out the heart and ate it. It was like she knew that's what kept it alive." I hope to all heavens that someday I can witness something as awesome as this. They should have called in Jessica May to put some baby clothes on the moose carcass.
  

• In Lithuania, 3 drunk college students broke into a zoo, scaled a 10-foot fence to get into the giraffe cage and were immediately attacked by the 1.3 ton beast. I have never in my life heard of a giraffe attacking someone and what is it with drunk people breaking into zoos and getting into fights with the animals? I think I would like to see a giraffe fight a moose...or me. I'd be all "Hey floppy neck...whaddaya gonna do about it!"*

• This story is very tragic, but also a very good lesson. On Monday evening a New Britain, Connecticut man was killed while BATTLE DANCING his rival. Robert Stitt attempted a forward flip and landed on his head. He was later pronounced dead. Battle dancing is an informal competition where participants try to outdance each other. In my neighborhood we call these Dance Offs and I challenge my co-workers to them at least 4 times a day. I had no idea they were dangerous. I guess given this realization we should return to our previous method of settling disputes...fire extinguisher fighting. Don't get that crap in your eyes.

*Thanks to B.B. for the tip.

A Heartwarming Story for a Change

With people suing their dry cleaners for $65 Million for losing a pair of pants and with President Bush threatening to veto the hate crimes bill, I thought we needed an uplifting story. So I went in search of something that might bring a tear to your eye. Here's what I found...

Jessica May wants people to stop and think about the wildlife around them. She wants people to take a moment out of their busy day and acknowledge the promising lives cut short by the hustle and bustle of America's highways. She wants people to think, however briefly, about roadkill.

How, you may ask, is Ms. May ever going to get people to slow down and consider the lives of the lowly animals that have been run down by their gas guzzling SUV's and environmentally/economically friendly hybrids? Simple! She finds roadkill, then dresses it in human baby clothes. Sometimes she even paints their nails. Then she leaves the fancied up carcass where she found it for others to admire.

It is an odd project and I can't say that it is the best use of time I have heard of this week, but I have to admire her efforts to take stock of the world around her and admit this is a valiant attempt at getting others to do the same. I much prefer to send around e-petitions and not wear fur but whatever blows your skirt up.

*The squirrel pictured above is alive and well. He is Sugarbush Squirrel and I recommend you visit his website.

Life Imitates Art

Two years ago John Brandrick of Cornwall, England was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and told he had a year to live. Brandrick decided that you can't take it with you when you go and spent everything he had living up his last year on earth. Unfortunately, it turns out he wasn't dying; he just had an inflamed pancreas. Now Brandrick is asking the hospital that diagnosed him to compensate him for the money he spent on his lavish lifestyle over the past 2 years. If necessary Brandrick will sue, the hospital says that given the evidence, they made the correct diagnosis.

Minus the lawsuit, this is the exact plot of the Queen Latifah movie Last Holiday AND the Tom Hanks favorite, Joe Versus the Volcano.

Since I'm sure nobody but me saw Last Holiday, I will fill you in. Queen Latifah plays a New Orleans store clerk who always plays it safe. When she is told she has only 3 weeks to live, she heads to Europe to blow through her 401k and meet her culinary idol Chef Didier (played by Gérard Depar-don't). Some stuff happens with L.L. Cool J (the guy she's in love with) and some other stuff happens...I don't really remember much about it to tell you the truth. I blacked out because it is a pretty terrible movie. But I know that at the end she doesn't sue the hospital that misdiagnosed her. In fact, the opposite, she thanks them for giving her the courage to live her life.

I am also certain that Joe from Joe Versus the Volcano didn't sue the hospital that provided the misdiagnosis that convinced Joe to agree to be sacrificed to a volcano in exchange for the cash needed to live up his remaining days on earth.

I walked out of both of those movies saying "That would never happen! People in the real world get 2nd opinions before they spend all their money, stop paying their mortgages, and give away all of their possessions". It is nice to be proven wrong every once in awhile. It is also nice to have a reason to talk about Last Holiday.

A Bittersweet Victory

The U.S. House of Representatives has voted to pass the Matthew Shephard Hate Crimes Act, a bill that would expand the federal hate crimes act to include the categories of gender and sexual orientation. Putting a damper on the celebration, the White House has indicated it will veto the bill if it makes it through the Senate. The statement issued by the Executive Office reads as follows:

"The Administration favors strong criminal penalties for violent crime, including crime based on personal characteristics, such as race, color, religion, or national origin. However, the Administration believes that H.R. 1592 is unnecessary and constitutionally questionable...there has been no persuasive demonstration of any need to federalize such a potentially large range of violent crime enforcement."

Focus on the Family founder James Dobson stated that he believed the bill's real intent was to “to muzzle people of faith who dare to express their moral and biblical concerns about homosexuality”.

Well, dare I say that if people of faith are expressing their moral and biblical concerns about homosexuality by committing violent crimes against gay people, then perhaps they should be muzzled.

*In other sad news, Rose, the most famous goat in Sudan, has died. Rose became famous a few months back after her husband, a human male named Charles, was forced by local elders to marry her after they were caught engaging in sexual relations. Rose is believed to have died after choking on a plastic bag she was eating. Rose is survived by her son (a goat) and her husband Charles (a man, not the father of her son). Rest in Peace Rose. Thanks to Luke for the tip.

Monkey Business

Keith Chen, an economist at Yale University, wanted to see if monkeys could be taught to use currency. After months of training, Chen had taught the monkeys that they could exchange small silver tokens for food rewards. He then observed how the monkeys would use their money to purchase their preferred snacks, would buy more of their less preferred treats if they were on sale, and would spend their fortune rather than save it for a rainy day. He also observed one monkey paying another monkey for sex. Monkeys are pretty smart. Maybe I will get one to write this blog!

* Thanks to Howlingjay for the tip and the title.