We Are Both Leaving Town for a Few Days...

Scooter and Lulu will be out of town for a few days, but we wanted to give you something to discuss in our absence.

Topic: Circuit City, Where Service Couldn't Possibly be State of the Art Because they Just Fired 3,400 Salespeople who they Believe to Be "Overpaid"

Commentary: Circuit City announced that it will fire 3,400 employees (9% of their in-store workforce) that they consider to be "overpaid". The employees that are getting the ax are, one would assume for the most part, the employees who have been there the longest, hence their inflated hourly wage. So essentially, Circuit City will shave the most experienced 9% of their employees right off the top. This will save them money, but don't expect them to pass those savings onto you in the form of lower priced electronics. Your new car stereo will cost the same, it will just be installed in place of your engine by a kid who failed 10th grade shop class.

Welcome to Circuit City, Where Service is State of the Art!

Discuss.

No Use Fighting Martha

Katonah Village, New York is up in arms over the declaration that their star resident, Martha Stewart, intends to trademark the town's name for a line of products. The Katonah Village Improvement Society has pledged $200 to a legal fund for the purpose of fighting the domestic goddess in court if necessary. They worry that if the town's name is trademarked, they won't be able to use it on their own goods and services.

The town has put $200 towards fighting Martha Stewart in court? A town where the average home price for 2006 was $912,000 is only willing to pony up $200 to keep the woman who figured out how to make baked apples in prison using nothing but a paper bag from owning their town? Putting $200 towards a legal defense fund to fight Martha Stewart is like putting butter on a 3rd degree burn, yes you are being proactive, but you are probably doing more harm than good. A woman who can double her empire from prison isn't the kind of woman you mess with. Katonah should give up. Embrace their new overlord. Maybe send her a nice pie with a monogrammed phyllo crust or perhaps compile a book of pictures of local birds. Just something that says "We didn't mean to oppose you. Please don't buy all of our homes and children out from under us."

Is That a Crocodile In your Pocket or are you Just Happy to See Me?

I imagine things are always at least a little bit exciting at the Gaza-Egypt border crossing, but I can't think of much that would top the hoopla of last week when a woman attempted to smuggle 3 live crocodiles into Gaza. The act of smuggling crocodiles into a country that pays big money for them isn't really that interesting. The fun part is the method of transport. The woman had strapped the crocodiles (each about 20 inches long) around her body. Lucky for all involved, she had had the forethought to tie their jaws shut before roping them around her midsection. The woman was busted when guards noticed that she looked "strangely fat". Yeah, packing on a couple of extra crocodile's will do that to a person.

Had she made it, the crocs would have fetched the woman about $500 a piece. That's about 6 month's salary. The woman is not the first to attempt at exotic animal smuggling at this checkpoint. In another incident, guards found a monkey strapped to a woman's chest.

I was going to give this woman the Tarable Idea Award until somebody pointed out the sheer brilliance of the plan. If you are willing to strap live crocodiles to your body, it isn't a hard way to make $1,500 cash. I'm thinking about a new career.

* Thanks to Dave and Kumquat for the tip.

** Before any of you nerds have a chance to e-mail me, yeah, I know that picture is of an American Crocodile and most likely NOT a good example of what she was packing, but if the Bush Administration can change scientific reports to inject doubt about the role man-made emissions play in global warming, I too can disregard accuracy in reporting.

Scooter and Lulu On Deck to Serve at the Pleasure of the President

White House spokesman Tony Snow announced today that he will be off the job for a few weeks while he has a growth removed from his abdomen. Snow battled colon cancer in 2005, but his doctors do not believe this growth is a reoccurrence. Nonetheless, they are taking extra precautions and treating the development aggressively.

We wish Tony Snow the very best as he recovers from surgery. To lighten his load a bit, Scooter and Lulu would like to offer to fill in for him as White House spokesman while he recuperates. Given our extensive background in investigatory journalism, our insatiable desire for truth, and our undying admiration of America's free press, we think we would be just the team to take on this enormous responsibility. Since none of the qualities we just mentioned really matter in the job of White House spokesperson, we are also willing to learn a few card tricks, breakdancing moves, or whatever is needed to distract the kiddies until somebody who actually knows how to doublespeak can step in.

Dubya, you've got our number if you are interested in our offer (or you could just break in on the line since I'm sure our phones are tapped) and Tony, feel better soon. We'll miss you while you are away!

Baltigore?

Just as I was getting ready to post a story about a guy in Wisconsin who was convicted for having sexual contact with a dead deer, I decided that bashing Wisconsin (which I hear has really nice people) twice in as many weeks, might be a bit harsh. Lucky for me, just as I was having this moral dilemma, I got an e-mail from our loyal reader Bucket that gave me a new place to mock...my very own state of Maryland in general, the city of Baltimore specifically!

Today a crew of Baltimore City workers found a body floating in the Inner Harbor as they were cleaning trash out of the water (they clean the trash out of there? Who knew!) When our reader Bucket, a Baltimore resident, went to google the story to find out a little more info, she discovered that this is (at least) body number 23 to be pulled from the harbor in the last 9 years (there were 22 from 1998- April of 2005, couldn't find the count for 2005-2007...hmmmm...strange).

Now, I'm no marine coroner, but that seems like a lot of bodies to be fished out of one location. Maybe I am wrong though, maybe New York is worse? Yeah, I don't really have time to look it up so, I'm just going to say it is a lot, and anybody out there from Baltimore who wants to defend their city, you can do so in the comments section.

As for you Bucket, it is a good thing you know how to swim!

John McCain on Condoms: Uh, Well, Ur, Um....

John McCain doesn't know if condoms stop sexually transmitted disease. In fact he doesn't seem to know much of anything on this issue, or related ones.

Don't believe me. Check this puppy out. Seriously, go read it, it doesn't do justice to just read some snippets. You absolutely must read the whole story. It's ok. I'll wait.

For those of you who are too lazy to read the whole thing, here's the gist of it. While cruising on the Straight Talk Express (Yes, it's back in full force) McCain was asked if he believed condoms stop sexually transmitted diseases. His response? Pause, stumbling, grasping for words, followed by a "I've never gotten into these issues or thought much about them." He then asked an aide for a piece written by Senator Tom Coburn on this issue, so he could consult it for guidance only to find out that "we've lost it."

Seriously? Really? You don't know if condoms prevent STD's? I mean I'll give you some credit that condoms don't prevent all STD's (i.e. HPV) but I really am baffled as to why John McCain could not give a straight forward answer on this. Does he really not know? Or was he worried that saying that condoms do prevent STD's would anger religious conservatives who promote abstinence only policies?

Of course this story opens up to the broader story. That story being, "What the hell happened to John McCain?"

Remember in 2000 when McCain separated himself from the right-wing declaring individuals such as Jerry Falwell "Agent of Intolerance" only to declare last year (on Meet the Press):

RUSSERT: Do you believe that Jerry Falwell is still an agent of intolerance?

MCCAIN: No, I don’t. I think that Jerry Falwell can explain to you his views on this program when you have him on.

Wow. Any thoughts on this one?

Maybe Just What the Middle East Needs

This summer, Hooters will open its first restaurant in Israel. Known for their delicious wings* and good clean family fun, Hooters is hoping to find a niche market in the city of Tel Aviv. Israeli franchise owner, Ofer Ahiraz, believes that Hooters may be just what the citizens of Tel Aviv have been looking for. While the location of the new restaurant has yet to be decided, Ahiraz has stated that he will not situate the restaurant near any large religious populations.

I think that bringing Hooters to the Middle East might be just what the doctor ordered. It is like that old saying "Give the people wholesome food and scantily clad women and peace will follow." Off the top of my head, I don't remember who said that, but I'm sure it was somebody who won a Nobel prize or something.

*And by delicious wings I mean slutty uniforms.

And You Thought Sharing the Armrest Was the Worst Part of Flying

I know that a lot of people don't like to fly. If you are one of these people and the idea of waking up next to a corpse would make you more uncomfortable, you might want to stop reading now.

On a British Airways flight from Delhi to London this past week, First Class passenger Paul Trinder awoke to discover that the flight crew had moved the body of woman who had died after take-off, from the economy section, to the seat next to his. In an interview after landing, Trinder told the press "The corpse was strapped into the seat but because of turbulence it kept slipping down on to the floor. It was horrific. The body had to be wedged in place with lots of pillows." British Airways has apologized to Trinder, but says that its flight crew dealt with the difficult situation as best they could given the circumstances.

Now, I'm no flight attendant, but maybe they could have moved Trinder to the deceased woman's seat, refunded the price of his ticket, and allowed the corpse a row to itself for the nine-hour flight to London. Just an idea.

Our hearts go out to the family of the deceased woman and we hope that British Airways will send Paul Trinder a book of drink coupons or something. I imagine he'll need a lot of alcohol before he gets on another plane.

Scooter Soon to be Covered by Americans with Disabilities Act

Finally, there is good news coming from some of the leaders of the Southern Baptist Convention. That good news is? Science exists. The Reverend Albert Mohler Jr. of the SBC recently acknowledged that in the near future scientific research will show that homosexuality (I prefer the term gayness) is biological in nature. Is this possibly the beginning of the end of the anti-gay religious right?

Wait! Put down your streamers. It's not time to celebrate just yet.

According to the good reverend, such findings wouldn't really change that much. Proof of a biological basis would not change his (or his followers) condemnation of homosexuality (It's in the Bible after all). So the way I see it, their new argument won't be, "Gayness is a choice" it will be, "Yes God made you this way, but in the eyes of God you shouldn't be this way".

You've put the streamers down haven't you? Well maybe now is the time also put down that tambourine you were so joyfully waiving around 2 minutes ago. Reverend Mohler Jr. ain't done yet. And I bet you'll never guess where he's going next.

If science can prove that homosexuality is biological, then science can also be used to CURE GAY BABIES! He goes on to say, "I realize this sounds very offensive to homosexuals, but it's the only way a Christian can look at it."

No shit its offensive but guess what? I'm kinda used to right wingers saying offensive things about my "lifestyle." Plus, if you really think about it, such a change in position is a serious blow to the anti-gay movement which has based its entire movement on the premise that gayness is a choice. I see Right-Wing senators having a tough arguing against ENDA (that's the Employment Non-discrimination Act) saying, "Yes they were born this way, but we could have 'fixed' them so they shouldn't be protected." After all, a lot of deafness can now be "fixed" and you don't see bigots on the floor of the senate trying to trample on their rights.

PLUS, if I was born this way, and it is according to these people some sort of disorder does that mean I should be covered under the American with Disabilities Act? If that's the case maybe we could demand our own bathrooms (with disco balls, and house music). We could also insist that mullets and wife-beater tank tops be outlawed since they offend our fashionable tendencies (that we were born with). I could also collect social security for my disability. I'd be RICH! All in all the future is looking bright (and fabulous) for Scooter!

Unicorns Can't Drive

Phillip C. Holliday Jr. of Billings, Montana is in a bunch of trouble after his truck ran a red light and almost crashed into another vehicle before making an "erratic U-turn" through a gas station and crashing into a light post. Fortunately, nobody was injured in the incident. When questioned by police, Holliday told them that they should be talking to the real culprit...the unicorn that had been driving his truck at the time of the accident.

This is Holliday's 6th drunk driving arrest and mostly likely will be his 6th drunk driving conviction.

*Thanks to Howlingjay for the tip.

Pace's Comments Ignite Discussion at the GTB

Gays in the military...discuss.

This post of course springs from the comments made by top U.S. Military official General Peter Pace in defense of the U.S.'s "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. In an interview with the Chicago Tribune, General Pace asserted his "personal belief" that homosexuality is immoral and therefore persons found to be homosexual should be prosecuted and presumably discharged from the military, while closeted homosexuals are free to put their lives on the line for their country as much and as often as they like.

There are currently an estimated 65,000 active gay and lesbian service personnel fighting in the U.S. military and an estimated 10,000 troops have been discharged for their sexual orientation since "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" took effect in 1994 (54 of those discharged were Arabic language specialists, just an FYI).

Ever Efficient Germans

In Sonneberg, Germany, a 43-year-old man suddenly realized the inevitablity of his impending divorce, and decided to go ahead and split up the property he shared with his wife. The man took a chain saw to his family home, cut the structure in half, and then used a forklift to remove his portion of the estate.

German efficiency never ceases to amaze me.

*Thanks to Bucket for the tip.

Face Like a Hippo

Nope. Too easy. I'm not even going to touch it.

But you can in the comments section!

Not sure what we're talking about? Read the story in question, here.

Wisconsin: The My Genitals Are On Fire State

I have always had a sneaking suspicion that Wisconsin might be a boring place. Now, I've never been there and I'm not sure I know anybody from there, so this is probably very judgmental of me. That being said, I have confirmation that things must be awful there because only in a place where things were truly awful, would the following conversation take place (the following conversation is not a direct quotation, merely an assumption based on evidence presented on the internet. So...no factual basis whatsoever.):

Jared W. Anderson, 20: Hey Randell, I'm pretty drunk.
Randell D. Peterson, 43: Really?
Jared W. Anderson, 20: Yeah. Drunk and bored. How about I pull down my pants and you can spray me with lighter fluid and set my genitals on fire.
Randell D. Peterson, 43: Ok.

Randall D. Peterson is charged with felony battery and first-degree reckless endangerment and faces 10 years in prison. Jared W. Anderson is expected to recover. The pair got the idea for the stunt from "Jackass the Movie".

Scooter Libby: Still Guilty

If you were watching Brit Hume yesterday, you might be a little confused about whether or not Scooter Libby was actually convicted of two counts of perjury, one count of obstructing justice in a grand jury investigation, and one count of making false statements to federal investigators. We are here to tell you that he was in fact convicted, he does in fact face prison time, and he is NOT the Scooter that writes this awesome blog. All I can think is that FOX NEWS makes up their fair and balanced graphics in some sort of magical fantasy design studio and assume that they live in a world where if they put it on the air, it becomes true. That might have worked for the 2000 Presidential Election, but it isn't going to help the other Scooter avoid the clink.

*Thanks to Howlingjay for the tip!

In Defense of the Indefensible

You may all be starting to wonder why it has now been four days since "Coultergate" broke out and we haven't commented on it. Well here we are to explain why we didn't comment on it by posting the following comment.

Oh and for those of you living under a rock that is buried under 12 feet of gravel that has then been covered in a foot of cement click here to see what the Coulter scandal is all about.

We originally decided not to post about Ann's speech because pointing out that Ann Coulter said something offensive is like pointing out that Lindsay Lohan has a "drinking problem." For those that aren't familiar with Ann's history, here's a brief blast from the past:

Last year at the very same CPAC conference our dear friend Ms. Coulter had this to say about Muslims:
"I think our motto should be, post-9-11, 'raghead talks tough, raghead faces consequences.'"
-CPAC, 2/10/06

Not enough?...shortly after that on MSNBC she had this to say about Al Gore:
"I don't know if he's [Bill Clinton] gay. But Al Gore -- total fag."

So my question then becomes, what was Ann doing speaking at this year's CPAC in the first place? In this most recent Coulter controversy, Conservatives have denounced Ann for her comments. Saying that this is not what conservatism is about. Even Michelle Malkin was not a fan of the comments. But again this is not the first offensive comment Ann has made and this is not the first time other conservatives have claimed "Ann doesn't speak for me."

When people tell me they are a conservative, I cringe inside a little bit. I get nervous. I get uncomfortable. I assume they hate me for who I am, for who I love. Could I be wrong? Absolutely. Should I feel this way? Of course not. I know I'm making assumptions, as I have conservative friends and family who love me.

So my question to conservatives is, if Ann doesn't speak for you, why do you let her speak for you so much? Nobody is saying the woman is not entitled to her opinion. Let her rant and rave on AnnCoulter.com (NSFW) as much as she wants. But every time she is paraded around at national conferences and on television as a voice of conservatism it adds to my belief that conservatives think of me as nothing more than a left-wing faggot. But those are just my two cents

-Scooter

Oh! You Wanted Planes that DON'T Go Berserk?

Good news! The Air Force has confirmed that it has fixed a glitch in the operating systems of 87 F-22 Raptor fighter jets. The "glitch" caused the operating systems of the plane to shut down (specifically "crippling navigation systems and hindering communications") after the aircraft crossed the International Date Line.

The problem was first noticed during the inaugural flight of 6 of the aircraft on February 10th. The flight from Hawaii to Japan was supposed to showcase for the F-22's abilities for the Japanese in hopes of convincing them that the Raptor "is just what they needed to fend off communist Red China in some potential future conflict". The Air Force reports that the flaw in the operating systems of all 87 Raptors has been repaired by the planes' manufacturer, Lockheed Martin. As for the price tag to get jets with operating systems that don't shut down mid-flight, "Lockheed Martin declined to provide further comment on additional costs of the upgrades."

Who knew that "Operating System that doesn't get so confused by crossing the International Date Line that it shuts down its navigation and communication systems" was an upgrade. Clearly the Air Force thought it was included as well. Maybe "Plane must work" should be a line item from now on, but I’m no “Expert in U.S. Defense Contract Negotiations” so what do I know?

*Thanks to Will for the tip.

Mother of Pretty Bank Bandit Speaks Out

Joy Miller, the mother of one of the 19-year old "giggling bandits" accused of robbing a bank in Georgia last week came out today in defense of her daughter saying "I want (people) to know that (Ashley) and Heather both are not bandits. They're little girls that made a bad choice."

Correction Mama Miller, a bad choice is mixing Goldschlager with orange juice or splitting 5's, robbing a bank is a felony. I didn't even know people still robbed banks and actually Mama Miller is right on one count, these girls aren't bandits because bandits wear clever disguises. These girls just wore sunglasses, which makes them idiots. Enjoy prison pretty ladies!

I've Got a Plan For Iraq

On Thursday, the Swiss accidentally invaded Liechtenstein. During a routine training exercise, 170 Swiss Infantry Soldiers got lost and wandered 1-mile over the border into the neighboring principality. Upon realizing what they had done, they quickly retreated without major diplomatic incident.

I think this could be the beginnings of a hazy framework of a plan for Iraq. We just slowly start to walk away. If anyone asks we just say "Whoops! We just got lost and wandered over here. No harm, no foul, right? Look over there! It's Superman!" Then we bolt. The Swiss are brilliant. They had a 10-minute invasion. That's what I call "Shock and Awe"!

Jerry Falwell, Comedian and Climatologist

Jerry Falwell blames global warming on Satan. Well, actually, he blames Satan for using the ruse of global warming to distract Christians from their true mission of evangelism. Speaking to his congregation in Lynchburg, VA, last week, Falwell said that even though some Christian leaders have been "duped" into believing the "science" of global warming, "the jury is still out" on whether humans are causing, or could stop, global warming. He added that the Bible teaches that God will maintain the Earth until Jesus returns, so Christians "should be responsible environmentalists, but not first-class nuts." And since every good speech is rounded out with a good joke, Falwell finished up with this zinger, "'An Inconvenient Truth' should have been titled 'A Convenient Untruth.'"

This is good news. God is taking care of the earth, so we can relax a little bit. I just threw 12 styrofoam containers full of glass and old hypodermic needles out my office window onto an elementary school playground. No worries! Jesus has it under control.

It is a little strange because previously Jerry Falwell has stated that "The whole (global warming) thing is created to destroy America's free enterprise system and our economic stability." So which is it? Is Satan using global warming to distract evangelism or is he using it to make America poor? Or maybe both at once? Maybe the basis of evangelism is to promote America's free enterprise system? That can't be right. Jerry Falwell boggles the mind.

And just for good measure, here are a few more Jerry Falwell gems to brighten your Thursday:

Jerry Falwell on 9/11: "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"

Jerry Falwell on AIDS: “AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals”

Jerry Falwell on Religion: “If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being”

Jerry Falwell on the separation of church and state: “The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country”

The only thing Jerry Falwell has going for him is that he doesn't like Fred Phelps:

"Fred Phelps does not give the religious right a bad name, because nobody claims kin to that guy."