Iraq's first war hero

Despite differences in opinions between the authors of the Good Times Blog and some of its readers we would like to dedicate this post to the courage and bravery of the men and women of the armed forces. In my opinion these men and women exhibit that courage and bravery, courage and bravery that can be shown in so many ways. Some of the troops continue to support the war, some have come out against it, while some have challenged specific military policies. Regardless their personal stories all exhibit that when it comes to the Armed Forces you just can't find a better group of guys...and gals!

I thought I'd highlight one them. Please feel free to post any tributes/shout outs in the comments. I should say that this story personally resonates with me and that is why I chose it, not because he's a military hero and (some of) his beliefs are consistent with my "left-leaning" ideology. I respect and admire just as much those who may not agree with my politics.

Eric Alva

"Alva...was a decorated staff sergeant who had served in Somalia and Japan. As troops began to push into Iraq, on March 21, 2003, Alva was leading 11 Marines among 75 or so sailors and Marines in a 50- to 55-vehicle convoy on its way from the desert in Kuwait to Basra, Iraq. It was a logistical convoy moving through the desert at night, lights out, night-vision goggles on. The sand was so kicked up it was nearly impossible for Alva to even keep track of the vehicle in front of him. At one of three stops along the way, Alva, who hadn't eaten for a full day, was heating up an MRE when he went to get something out of his Humvee. 'I took maybe a step or two,' Alva said, 'and that is when the explosion went off.' It was a land mine."

Alva was visited at Bethesda Naval Hospital by President George W. Bush, first lady Laura Bush, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Donald Rumsfeld, and Michael Jordan.

None of them knew he was gay.

Although he kept it a secret from his commanding officers over the years, Alva says plenty of soldiers knew he was gay and it was never a problem:

"I told tons of people. A lot of my friends, my buddies, my closest Marines, people I had served in combat with. Straight guys, married, with children and everything, three of them which I have become their sons' godfather now. Everybody was just respectful and was just like ordinary. 'That's it? That's your big news?' Being on the front lines and serving with the people who even actually knew that I was gay, you know, that was never a factor. We were there to do a job. We were [there] to do a mission. I don't think people would have a hard time with it because they know that the person right next to them is going to be there to protect them, in our terms, 'have their back.'"

Alva is to be commended for his service to the country. What is to be commended of these men and women is that they do put politics aside, and when given the order will fight to the death for their country. They leave the debating and disagreeing to the rest of us (which we do so well, even here at the GTB). That said, Alva is also to be commended for challenging such a discriminatory and detrimental policy. Since this policy went into effect, 11,000 individuals have been discharged from the military. That's 11,000 people that, in retrospect we couldn't really afford to lose.

BREAKING NEWS: Iraq is Stable****

Once again you are rewarded for being a loyal reader of the Good Times Blog.

Iraq is a stable country. That's right, it came straight out of the mouth of the First Lady.

Last night on Larry King Live Laura Bush said this about Iraq:

"And many parts of Iraq are stable now. But, of course, what we see on television is the one bombing a day that discourages everybody"

Just a couple of problems with that quote.

Number One: One bombing a day is too much. As I sit here typing they are flashing on CNN that a bomb in Ramadi just killed 18 kids playing soccer. Well Laura, at least now that the bombing du jour has happened were all safe for another 24 hours.

Oh except that leads me to point number 2. There is a lot more going on than one bombing a day:



So according to this figure (thanks to Thinkprogress.org) as of November 2006 there were on average 185 attacks a day by militias and insurgents. Ok, ill give it to Laura that not all of these attacks are technically "Bombings" so maybe she's right. Maybe back in October there were 184 snipings and only one bombing, and that's why the country is so stable.

But of course if you want to get technical there is of course this tidbit:

"The soccer field attack followed terrorist bombings in Baghdad at a popular ice cream shop, a parking lot and a restaurant that killed eight people and wounded 24 on Tuesday....

...

Tuesday's deadliest reported bombing took place in a popular ice cream shop in central Baghdad's mostly Shiite Karrada district. A suicide car bomber slammed into the shop, killing five people and wounding 10 others, according to an Interior Ministry official.

In the city's Tayaran Square, another bomber hid explosives inside a restaurant, where the blast killed two people and wounded eleven, the official said.

In a separate attack, Iraqi police said a car bomb blast Tuesday in a parking lot in the Karrada district killed one person and wounded three others."

Well that's definitely more than one a day.

So the truth is Iraq has gone to Shit. The next big question is how do Laura and George handle this?

BUSH:...we go to church. We exercise together, we watch movies together. We do all the other things that -- watch baseball on television, for instance -- that we both find relaxing.

KING: Do you -- do you talk about it a lot?

BUSH: We talk about it a lot. I mean, we live it.

Enjoy your baseball Laura, in the meantime Iraq has turned into a shit sandwich

***Headline in no way implies that anyone in the reality based community actually believes Iraq is stable. In fact 9 out of 10 reality based community members agree that Britney Spears is more stable than Iraq*

*No they don't I made that up.

And The Award Goes To...

It has been awhile since we have given out one of these, but I felt this story warranted recognition.

A middle school teacher from Murray, Kentucky was arrested last week and charged with conspiracy to traffic in controlled substances within 1,000 feet of a school, possession of marijuana and possession of drug paraphernalia after accidentally texting a request for drugs to a state trooper instead of her dealer. The teacher, Ann Greenfield, texted the trooper, Trevor Pervine, regarding the possible purchase of marijuana. After realizing the texts weren't a joke, Pervine set up a plan to meet Greenfield and exchange the goods. When she arrived for the meeting, she was placed under arrest. The Kentucky State Police Spokesman, Barry Meadows, had this to say about the incident:

“She learned her lesson. Program your dealers into your phone."

Well said Mr. Meadows, well said.

Chinese Zoos, Maybe Not So Safe

It seems that China may have a safety problem at its zoos. In an incredibly sad story, yesterday, a 6-year old girl, who had paid $2.00 to have her picture taken with a tiger, was eaten by said tiger when it was startled by the camera. After a little digging, an anonymous source* was able to find documentation of several other bizarre incidents at various Chinese zoos.

In October 2005, a zookeeper who was trying to collect bile from 6 bears was eaten alive. The bears were so angry that zoo workers had to wait 2 hours for the bears to calm down enough that they could enter the enclosure and retrieve the man's body. Interestingly enough bear bile fetches more cash per ounce than most narcotics and the extraction process is incredibly painful for the bear.

A mere 2 days after the "bear eats zookeeper" incident, another zookeeper, on his first day of work, accidentally wandered into a restricted lion enclosure where he was immediately attacked by 3 lions. Luckily, the man lived, but he is still recovering from his injuries.

It seems to me that zoos in China really need to lay down a few simple ground rules to protect their workers and patrons. For instance, maybe a program where you get your picture taken with a wild tiger, isn't a great idea. I would suggest pictures with a man dressed like a tiger or a tiger-like cardboard cut out. I also think that if you are going to "milk" the gall bladders of wild bears to sell their bile to be made into wines and shampoos, maybe an "animal sedation before bile extraction" procedure should be put into place. Finally, maybe a map of the wild animal park should be put into every new zookeeper orientation packet. You know, just a quick Xerox copy with "x" over the enclosures that are full of man-eating lions.

In all seriousness, our hearts go out to the families of the injured and deceased. It is sad to see tragedy stem from sheer stupidity. All you can hope is that somebody somewhere has learned something that will prevent any of these sorts of incidents from happening again. Sigh.

*Dave is the anonymous source we mention above.

Evolution Hard At Work

A duck named Stumpy was born in the UK with 4 legs. A cat named Extra was born in Australia with 26 toes (instead of the usual 20). Extra climbs faster and more efficiently than other cats and is also a better scratcher. Stumpy is going to be a TV star and therefore, won't be eaten. I don't know about you, but this smells like evolution to me. Pat Robertson is quickly coming up with a bible quote predicting the appearance of a 26-toed cat and a 4-legged duck at the end of the world while Al Gore is combing the scientific research to prove the abnormalities are caused by global warming. Too bad they are both wrong, it is simply Mother Nature, making ducks and cats better than they were before.

Now, I'm no evolutionary biologist, but these new developments have convinced me that if I have a kid, it will be born with wings and enormous talons. These attributes will enable my child to get me beers and probably write this blog. Just a heads up on some exciting things to come here at the GTB!

*Thanks to TumTum for the tip

Chivalry Not Dead in Wisconsin

In Oconomowoc, Wisconsin on February, 12th, James Van Iveren thought he heard a woman being raped in the apartment above his. Iveren grabbed his family's heirloom cavalry sword and charged out of the apartment he shares with his mother. After banging on his neighbor's door, Van Iveren kicked the door in and demanded that his neighbor tell him where he was keeping the damsel in distress. It turns out Van Iveren had actually heard screams from a porn movie his neighbor was watching. He has been charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage and disorderly conduct. The combined misdemeanors could carry up to a 33-month jail sentence. When asked to comment, Van Iveren said, "Now I feel stupid. This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake." Police have taken possession of Van Iveren's sword.

Shouldn't he be covered by some sort of Good Samaratin law? You know like, you perform CPR on somebody who has keeled over, they can't sue you for breaking their ribs. Or, you bust in on your neighbor watching porn tapes and force him, at swordpoint, to show you around his apartment to prove that he isn't raping somebody...ok maybe it isn't the same thing, but 33 months in jail seems a tad excessive. If I were the judge I would have him pay retribution in the form of: 1 set of headphones for his upstairs neighbor and perhaps suggest that one of them consider moving in order to avoid an awkward encounter at the mailbox.

This Peanut Butter Tastes Like...Ick

Salmonella contaminated peanut butter has infected about 300 people in 39 states during the last month. While scary, Salmonella doesn't usually kill people so I don't think this recent scare will slow our own consumption, but we feel it is our duty to inform our readers. If your kitchen cabinet currently contains Peter Pan Peanut Butter (or Wal-mart's "Great Value" brand, which I hesitate to even mention because if you have peanut butter from Wal-mart, you probably wouldn't be reading the GTB), throw it out. We don't have enough readers to risk any of you ending up in the hospital without internet for even a few days.

In other news, while researching this little announcement, I stumbled upon an article on this topic that was accompanied by the photo to the right. Perhaps people are getting sick because they are eating peanut butter from 1982.

Shocking Revelation by John McCain!

While speaking at a retirement community in South Carolina on Monday, John McCain had some not pretty things to say about Donald Rumsfeld's handling of the war in Iraq. McCain told the crowd of about 800 that "We are paying a very heavy price for the mismanagement-that's the kindest word I can give you-of Donald Rumsfeld, of this war...I think that Donald Rumsfeld will go down in history as one of the worst secretaries of defense in history."

Way to step up and point out the obvious John McCain. A little too late to make a difference in Iraq though, the damage there is pretty much done. I guess better late than never and this way it is "new material" when he uses it to fire up crowds at pre-primary campaign rallies!

Does Dubya Hate our Troops?

Being that we are in the middle of a war, might be starting another one with Iran, have a President who is trying to send 21,500 more soldiers into the conflict, and on the horizon is an estimated 26% increase in the number of soldiers who will require on-going medical care when they return from the Middle East, I would have wagered that Bush’s "balanced budget by 2012" proposal would include huge increases in spending for the Veterans Affairs Administration. Given that there has been an 83% increase in VA spending over the course of the Bush Presidency, surely further increases had to be assumed when the Administration submitted their plan, right? The budget needs balancing, but I’m sure that cuts to things like NIH and NPR would be where this balance would happen. Bush would never cut something as near and dear to his heart (and ours) as funding for the welfare of our troops, would he? Yep, I was wrong.

The budget proposal that the Bush Administration submitted to Congress includes cuts to VA spending for 2009 and 2010, and then freezes the budget at the 2010 level until 2012.

Everybody seems to recognize that this will not work. Politicians on either side of the aisle have decried the proposal as “impossible” and “absurd” given the recent history of steady increases in VA spending (and the little problem of the influx of troops returning from Iraq and Afghanistan). When questioned about the cuts, White House budget office spokesman Sean Kevelighan, said that the proposed numbers "don't reflect any policy decisions. We'll revisit them when we do the (future) budgets." (To be read: "Silly you, we made up those numbers on an Arby's napkin.")

There are two options here. A.) George W. Bush hates our troops. Or more likely, B.) The Bush Administration made up a plan to balance the budget that they know cannot succeed. I kind of like how they did it. I think I will make my next budget the same way. “Well, I have $10 in the bank. I’ll write down here on this budget sheet that I will use that $10 to buy a jetliner. Look! I bought a jetliner with $10! Hooray.” Oh, imagine the world we could live in if budgets were made with fantasy math and pixie dust and the government gave everybody an apple pie just for being American.

*Thanks to Jenny for the tip.

Is It Cold In Here?

There is trouble in paradise and the GTB thinks that somebody better fix this before we end up starring in "Cold War II: Time To Learn Russian".

It all started last week when U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates said in testimony to Congress, “We don’t know what’s going to develop in places like Russia and China, in North Korea, in Iran and elsewhere”. Being grouped with the Axis of Evil (and China) was a bit of a slap in the face to Russia who thought that after a few years of on-again/off-again dating, things with the U.S. were finally getting serious.

Then, over this past weekend, a jilted Vladimir Putin spoke at the Munich Conference on Security Policy in Germany and had this to say about the U.S.:

“We are seeing a greater and greater disdain for the basic principles of international law. And independent legal norms are, as a matter of fact, coming increasingly closer to one state's legal system. One state and, of course, first and foremost the United States, has overstepped its national borders in every way. This is visible in the economic, political, cultural and educational policies it imposes on other nations. Well, who likes this? Who is happy about this?” (It actually got worse from there. You can see the whole transcript, here).

The U.S. response to Russia was, “One Cold War was quite enough.” (to be read “settle down, you are acting crazy!”). Now Gates is heading to Russia to try to make nice with Putin.

The GTB suggests that Gates bring Russia something nice, maybe take a gander at this website we found about flower giving customs in Russia. For Valentine’s Day, the site suggests the following: “If you want to impress your beloved ones, you can give a heart-shaped centerpiece of fresh flowers.” Who knows if it will really smooth things over, but maybe it will keep the U.S. from sleeping on Russia's couch this Valentine's Day.

Formal Announcements!

We are followers and since everybody is doing it, we want to do it too! Please pay attention to the following announcements:

Scooter of the highly informative Good Times Blog would like to formally announce his candidacy for "father of Dannielynn". Scooter says that he really loved Anna Nicole and would like nothing more than to be the father of the 5-month-old. Scooter joins Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, the fake prince, Anna Nicole's body guard, and her deceased husband in the bid for custody.

Lulu of the incredibly witty and always hilarious Good Times Blog would like to formally announce her candidacy for President of the United States. Being the only person not running, Lulu has decided to join the fight and promises to change her political position so often that you will never be completely sure what she stands for (think Mitt Romney), but assures you that, like most politicians, she won't actually do anything once elected, so it doesn't really matter what she believes.

We hope you, our readers, will support us in our individual endeavors.

Silly Karl! Those Jobs are For Guest Workers!

Karl Rove accidentally stepped in it last Thursday while speaking at a Republican Women's Luncheon. On the topic of Bush's comprehensive immigration reform plan, Rove's argument for the Administration's "Guest Worker Program" included the statement:

"I don't want my 17-year-old son to have to pick tomatoes or make beds in Las Vegas."

While there is no audio or video tape of the event, the White House has pretty much confirmed the snafu through White House Deputy Press Secretary Dana Perino who told ABC News, "the White House does not deny that Rove made the remark but it has been taken out of context."

I've racked my brain and can't think of a context in which this statement wouldn't be considered elitist and awful, but then again, I wasn't invited to the Republican Women's Luncheon, so I can't say for sure.

Anna Nicole Not Gonna Be Buried Anytime Soon

A life story that couldn't get more bizarre has taken a final grisly twist. A judge ruled today that Anna Nicole Smith's body will be preserved pending a paternity hearing scheduled for February 20th. Lawyers for Larry Birkhead, one of the men claiming to be the father of Smith's baby Dannielynn, are worried that someone might pull a "bait and switch" with the child and would like for Anna to remain available if confirmation of Dannielynn's identity is required.

I'm not sure why they need to keep ALL of Anna Nicole around. If I remember from that time I got my degree in Biology, you don't need a whole body for a DNA sample (I slept through the majority of Genetics, but I think I would have remembered this one). Do they plan to haul her into court and perform the testing there, just to make sure the DNA used to confirm Dannielynn's identity came from the actual Anna Nicole? I don't think they'd go through this much effort to confirm who is the rightful King of England, but I guess Dannielynn could end up being worth more. What a sad and sort of sick ending. I hope when this is all over, Anna will finally find some peace. She'll just have to wait another 12 days.

HooHaa in the Hell do You Think You Are?

In Atlantic Beach, Florida, a group of law students are staging a production of "The Vagina Monologues" as a benefit for charity. After a complaint from a passerby about the posting of the word vagina, the theater decided to change the marquee that advertises the play to read "The HooHaa Monologues".

The complaint came from a woman who was driving with her neice when the little girl asked her "What is a vagina?" (I say little because I couldn't find out how old this girl is. For all I know she could be 19 and given the rest of the story, I wouldn't be shocked). When Bryce Pfanenstiel, of the Atlantic Theater asked the woman how she replied to her niece's inquiry, the woman told Pfanenstiel "'I'm offended I had to answer the question." Rather than cause a controversy, the Atlantic Theater, which is also a comedy club, decided to change the sign, replacing "vagina" with the child slang word "HooHaa". The play's director has asked that the marquee be changed back.

Did I wake up in 1955? Are girls who are old enough to read not old enough to know the correct name for a part of their bodies? Isn't that part of the "Don't talk to strangers/Don't take candy from strangers/Your body is your business" presentation in elementary school? Has knowing what a vagina is somehow been linked to an increased likelihood of teen pregnancy? Somebody help me out here, I have to be missing something.

Ted Haggard Pronounced "Heterosexual", PHEW!

It has been a tense few months, but you can rest easy, Ted Haggard has been declared "Completely Heterosexual" by a board of four ministers who oversaw his 3 weeks of intense therapy aimed at modifying his behavioral issues. For those who don't remember, Reverend Haggard is the former president of the National Association of Evangelicals. He resigned last year after a male prostitute named Mike Jones alleged that Haggard had paid him for sex, almost monthly, for the last 3 years. In addition, Jones accused Haggard of methamphetamine abuse. I'm sure you all remember the story, but it is really too good to not tell over and over and over again (kind of like that time Aaron Carter ran over the mattress in his SUV and it caught on fire).

Yesterday, the panel overseeing Haggard's "recovery" released its findings that Haggard is not gay. On the small matter of his involvement with a male prostitute, the panel had this to say:

''He is completely heterosexual. That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing. If we're going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly. We're into this thing over 90 days and it hasn't happened.'' (Who knew that 90 days was the statute of limitation for 'He's gay' allegations against an evangelical? Mental note.)

I had to read this 8 times, but I think what they are saying is:

"He was only gay when he was actually having sex with that male prostitute every month for 3 years. When he wasn't having sex with that male prostitute, he wasn't gay. If no other men have come forward to say that they have had sex with him, then there are probably no other men, which means that he's not gay. Paying another man for sex monthly for 3 years doesn't make you gay, it just makes you rebellious."

Well, I'm glad we got this sorted out. Haggard and his wife have announced that they both plan to go back to school to pursue Master's degrees in Psychology which will presumably help them both to further investigate Haggard's “acting out" and maybe come to some conclusions about how to prevent further indiscretions.

It is good that Haggard didn’t have an affair with say, another evangelical from his church. If he had, and that man had as much to lose as Haggard did, that guy probably would have never come forward. Then Haggard never would have been exposed and never would have gotten the help he needed. I shudder to think that there might be other men out there who aren’t coming forward and aren’t getting the help that Haggard has, but it has been 90 days so I guess they are in the clear! Phew!*

*Thanks to Jackie and Jenny for the tip!

Marriage is for Babymaking

Dr. Bombay and Gris Gris you've been warned!

Jenny, you're ok. For now.

You better pop out a baby as soon as possible or your marriage may be invalidated.

A group calling itself the Washington Defense of Marriage Alliance has begun a ballot initiative process to require procreation as a condition for marriage, so you've been duly warned. More specifically if passed by Washington voters, the Defense of Marriage Initiative would:

• add the phrase, “who are capable of having children with one another” to the legal definition of marriage;
• require that couples married in Washington file proof of procreation within three years of the date of marriage or have their marriage automatically annulled;
• require that couples married out of state file proof of procreation within three years of the date of marriage or have their marriage classed as “unrecognized;”
• establish a process for filing proof of procreation; and
• make it a criminal act for people in an unrecognized marriage to receive marriage benefits.

Hmm, so Jenny it sounds to me like you might have to PROVE that little baby caroline is YOURS and you didn't buy her on the same black market where TomKat bought baby Suri. I can't wait to see you on Maury Povich: "Jenny, you ARE the mother of baby Caroline"

Ok, so are you shocked? What you might find even more shocking is that this the GoodTimesBlog and its authors fully support this initiative. Usually groups out there defending marriage are no fans of the leftist propaganda spewed out on this blog, but these people would be. They are actually on our side! Huh, you ask? Let me explain.

The Washington ruling striking down gay marriage did so on the basis that "legitimate state interest” allows the Legislature to limit marriage to those couples able to have and raise children together. Yup, they pulled the procreation card. So these clever folks are calling them out on it. If that's what you believe make it the law. And if this is made into law, it will be struck down as unconstitutional in a second. And if this is unconstitutional how can it be used as the rational argument for preventing gay marriage.

In other words to all the righties spitting out this bile and calling it a reasonable argument against gay marriage they are saying, "shit or get off the pot!"

Brilliant!

*Thanks to http://popuppupop.blogspot.com/ for the great drawing*

AstroNUTS: A Tale of Love Lost

I think NASA has the same guy who was in charge of “making sure we don’t lose the moon landing tapes” in charge of “screening the astronaut program for crazy people”.

Navy Capt. Lisa Marie Nowak was arrested on Monday and charged with battery, attempted kidnapping, attempted burglary to a vehicle, and destruction of evidence after she allegedly attacked a woman who was having a relationship with a man that Nowak was interested in. I should mention that Nowak is married with 3 kids and the man in question is not her husband…but he is a fellow astronaut! Nowak claims her relationship with Bill Oefelein was "more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship." That smells like friendship to me, but Nowak saw it differently.

Police alleged that Nowak drove from Houston to Orlando to confront Colleen Shipman, Oefelein’s actual girlfriend, in the parking lot of the Orlando Airport. En route to Orlando, Nowak wore diapers to eliminate pit stops. When she arrived in Orlando, Nowak stalked Shipman (who had arrived by plane) to her car where she shot her in the face with pepper spray. Shipman was able to drive to a toll booth and contact the police who found Nowak disposing of a wig and a BB gun in a parking lot trash can.

What makes this story so OUT OF THIS WORLD (pun intended) is that it has astronauts behaving like Jerry Springer guests and that makes me feel better about myself! If an astronaut can wear diapers to avoid bathroom breaks when she heads out to attack her co-worker’s girlfriend, so can I!

Lady Hits Jackpot, Wins Baby!

I wanted to post about this before somebody asked me "Lulu, was that YOU that gave birth at that Casino?!?" The answer is an emphatic no, but somebody did! At about 9:30 AM this past Saturday, Nyree Thompson went into labor on the Casino floor at the fabulous Resorts Hotel & Casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey. She gave birth to a healthy baby boy that she named Qualeem, about 5 minutes later. Little Qualeem was immediately issued a Resorts Destination Casino Club Card, a coupon for free Valet Parking (valid through February 2007), and $5.00 in buffet comps!

For the record, Scooter and I have stayed at the fabulous Resorts Hotel & Casino. After we checked in, we proceeded upstairs to our room, only to find that there was a man already sleeping in the bed we had just paid for. Given our experience there, I'll vouch that it's a real classy place to have a baby!

Science for Sale!

The UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) recently came out with a report that can be summarized with four words: "Al Gore's onto something"

Not that the whole world has been saying this for years or anything but apparently this report is a big deal.

So it is not surprising coming from the country that refused to abide by the Kyoto protocol, that the right-wing response from those tied to the administration is, "We'll pay scientists ass-loads of money to say this report is crap".

The American Enterprise Institute (AEI), which is a think tank funded by none other than ExxonMobil sent out letters to scientists offering 10,000 dollars to those who "thoughtfully explore the limitations of climate model outputs."

I wonder what other scientific facts can be countered when enough cash is shelled out?

So...Are we Going to War with Iran?

In an attempt to put an end to the buzz around the globe regarding future plans for the U.S. Military, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates announced today “Nobody is planning, we are not planning for a war with Iran.” This should make me feel better, but given its execution, I often feel that the U.S. “didn’t plan” for war with Iraq either and look where we are now. Is he saying “We are definitely not going to go to war with Iran”? Or “our modus operandi of flying by the seat of our pants will remain the same when we go to war with Iran…which will probably be soon.” I guess only time will tell! I can barely stand the suspense.

HOT TIPS!

Introducing our newest feature! Since we can't post about every amazing thing our readers send us for investigation, we're starting "Hot Tips: A Quick and Dirty Rundown of Things We Wouldn't Want You to Miss". If you have a hot tip, feel free to e-mail it to us at:

GoodTimesBlog[at]gmail[dot] com

Now for the tips:

• Did you know you can get drunk off of hand sanitizer? I didn’t, but an inmate at a Maryland Correctional Facility did! The sheer brilliance of the idea astounds me. Turns out Purell isn’t any more dangerous than drinking regular alcohol and it will get you drunk much quicker with its 70% alcohol content. Thanks to Reebs for the tip.

• New Jersey (my favorite state) has warned its residents to not eat squirrel more than twice a week since some squirrels have been eating at the toxic waste dump and have been found to contain higher than average amounts of lead. I wish this was a joke, but it isn’t. New Jersey has a toxic waste dump, and squirrels that eat there, and it has people who eat said squirrels, apparently more than twice a week on average. Wow. That story couldn’t be much better. Thanks to Claire for the tip.

• There is a funeral home in Wisconsin that is decorated with stuffed dead animals posed to look like they are doing amusing things like playing basketball or hula dancing. The owner of the home says, "This is to show kids when they come for a funeral and they cry”. The guy gets props for trying, but I think if I was a kid and I was at a funeral home wondering “what will happen to Grandpa in the afterlife?”, I would be a little confused if my query was answered with a trip to see a display of dead squirrels made to look like they are playing cards in a dimly lit saloon. Thanks to Anonymous for the tip.